Disability Deadlines

 

On the Monday after I got back from my third weekend at home, I took pictures of the lighting set-up I did for my shot remake for my Cinematography class and sent them to my teacher. I also decided to post The Friend of Autism Pledge on Facebook and tell people in my post that if they agreed with the pledge, to like it or put their name in the comment section. After I did this, I noticed I had gotten an invitation from Joshua John, a THRIVE mentor, to Disability Awareness Week taking place down in the Union that day until the 31^st. I accepted the invitation and went down there. Once there, I helped set up tables and met Barbara, who I asked about TheFriend of Autism Pledge, and she said she was ok with me putting her name on my sheet. Soon I saw my mom had liked The Friend of Autism Pledge, and asked me to add her name, along with two other Facebook friends. I also met a woman from the Social Work program, who Barbara and I told about the Autistic Student and Peer Organization, and she suggested I submit an article to the Non-Traditional Student Organization’s newsletter, as so many of their members were parents and possibly had an autistic child. I agreed with her. The deadline was by the 29^th. Also, a deadline for writing for the autistic community was the day Autistic Speaking Day on November 1^st when autistics from around the world submitted short written works (poems, essays, articles, etc.) for the Autistic Speaking Day blog in order to promote the idea that autistics can speak for themselves.

              On Friday I called the Ellis maintenance about my new broken blinds (the second time in that semester), went to the library and found an article from an issue of The New England Quarterly to do the article summary for my American Renaissance class, checked it out, got back and e-mailed my instructor asking for his approval for this article, and did a journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class before its due date at 5:00.  I then looked at my UCM e-mail account and saw Kristie had responded to my submission saying she would be happy to have the article in there. I also saw Erin from Camp Encourage had e-mailed me back, saying she saw The Friend of Autism Pledge, and would be happy to let me add her name to it.  

As I ran on the treadmill, I saw a picture on Pinterest made from bottle caps of god’s eyes of different sizes with each layer being a different color because they were made from different types of bottle caps.  After seeing that, I knew what I wanted to do to repurpose many of the duplicate bottle caps I had.  After all that I enjoyed one of the Grape Smirnoffs I had gotten the last Sunday (though I don’t really like vodka), from which I got another bottle cap, making this one perhaps the three hundred sixty-third bottle cap I had collected so far.  Josiah, meanwhile, helped me work on my bottle cap picture, using his math skills to help me figure out the number of different types of duplicate bottle caps I would need for each diamond.

                The next morning, I saw, to my relief, my post on the Autistic Speaking Day website, just as I had written it. After that I went to the hardware store and got some hot glue and a hammer. Then I went to Walgreen’s and got some toothpaste, a twenty-five dollar debit card, and some beers. I spent part of the afternoon putting up links to it on the Autistic Speaking Day website and The Autist Dharma on The Autist Dharma and Facebook. I started on my bottle cap picture, which was really fun, and I got most of the way through it. I also talked to Granddad, who was pleased to hear the news about my publication and was interested in my picture. Then, while on the treadmill, I got the idea to use the bottom of an aluminum can to make the top of my wind chimes. Then I got started on my wind chime. I went to Break Time afterwards and along the way got a great picture of the black-and-white night sky above the lit-up Rec Center.

 

 

A Weekend for ASAN

The day after I got home I spent part of the day in Starbuck’s reading J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion, and to my surprise, managed to get over twenty pages into it. On my way back I went to Rimann’s Liqour Store and got a new bottle cap for my collection from a giant bottled water I got there. Unfortunately that night my cold that I had been developing over the past few days started getting worse.

                The next morning I drove down to Johnson County Community College to attend the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City’s presentation at JCCC’s Autism Beyond the Diagnosis Conference. I got there and went down to the Nerman Buidling, where I found Sean Swindler, the man who had helped me so much at starting the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group, as I went to get my nametag. He smiled at me, held out his hand, and I shook it.

                “Ben,” he said. “It’s good to see you. How are you?”

                “Good. How are you?”

                "Good. I just wanted to tell you the group you started is going great. We get about twenty-five people to come each meeting.”

                “Wow! That’s great!”

                “Yes, it’s going great. And you started it all.”

                I then saw another familiar face I recognized from JCCC, Mary-Jane Billingsley, a faculty member from the school who was a great supporter of the great. I approached her and she was overjoyed to see me. She said a JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group member recently presented at the conference and it had one of the largest turnouts they had had in a while. Soon I met up with Pam, Daniel, Spencer, Skyler, a young female ASAN-KC member, and a tall bearded member, Bart Ewing, a social worker who worked with autistic children and I met for the first time. 

                As it was time for the presentation to start, I went into the designated room and met Elizabeth, Elise from Horizon, and Erin from Camp Encourage, as well as a middle-aged blonde women and a wiry-haired, broad-shouldered black young man. I talked to Elise, who told me she was going to the movie benefit for Camp Encourage, which I had invited her to on Facebook later that day. 

11:30, the time we were supposed to start, was approaching, yet Teigan and Marshall had not yet arrived. Spencer went up to the stand and said that they called and had car troubles and were running late. As 11:30 came, they had not yet arrived and Spencer began the introduction, explaining the mission and history of ASAN and its local Kansas City chapter. Soon after, he finished and Pam continued, telling the audience about person-first language vs. identity-first language (person with autism-denying autism as part of a person vs. autistic person where one acknowledges it), and mentioned how still if an autistic person prefers person-first language, you should use it around them. The young female member went up to the stand next and spoke on autism rights. Skyler went up next to tell the audience about self-advocacy. Bart then spoke about accommodations for autistic and disabled people. Then, finally Teigan and Marshall arrived and gave their part of the presentation.  Marshall spoke at length about neurodiversity, and then Teigan spoke about cross-disability activism.  As the presentation ended, the floor opened to questions. The blonde women asked about her son with Asperger syndrome, and how they felt he might fit into the group. Teigan answered saying anyone who agreed to our rules on respect for disabled people were welcome to come. Then Erin raised her hand and said, “I agree with your idea of accepting autistic people the way they are. I just wanted to ask, how do you ask an autistic person whether they want you to use person-first or identity-first language?”

                Elizabeth spoke up.

                “I think just the way you worded it is fine.”

                The presentation ended and I met the audience and ASAN members outside the room. I approached Teigan and asked her when we were having the silent auction. She said we weren’t going to have it, as she couldn’t reserve a room at UMKC, but we might have it in January. I also told her about The Friend of Autism Pledge, and she said if I e-mailed her with it, they might be able to put it up on their website. The blonde woman approached me and asked, “Are you Ben Edwards?”

                “Yes,” I said.

                “Well, I just wanted to let you know I read your blog and thought it was just great, all that you chose to put on there. I love how autistics are just so honest.”

                I laughed.

                “Well if you liked my blog, there’s something else I did that you might like.”

                She nodded.

                “It’s called The Friend of Autism Pledge. Basically it’s a pledge of how one agrees to treat autistics, it’s on my other blog, and if you agree with what it says you can add your name to the comment section and I will put your name on a list outside the door of my dorm at school. I’m trying to get more autistics there to be able to be open about their condition so I can start a group for autistic students.”

                “Ok, well I will look at that. Can I get there from your other blog?”

                “Yes.”

                The young black male held out his hand and I shook it. 

                “Hi, my name’s Cole,” he said.

                “Hi, I’m Ben.”

                “She’s my mom," he said, pointing to the woman.

                Soon I met up with Erin and Elizabeth. I told Erin about The Friend of Autism Pledge and said I could send it to her via e-mail, and if she agreed to it, I would put her name on my list.

                “Ok,” she said and gave me her e-mail address.

                We all went out into the Nerman lobby and sat down. Several of the ASAN members were saying that in the future they would like to have an idea of what the room they would present in looks like beforehand, to avoid sensory overstimulation. A dark-haired woman sat around them and listened to them. She saw me and spoke to me.

                “Ben?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Hi, I’m Jennifer Smith, the president of the Autism Society of the Heartland.”

                “Oh, nice to meet you,” I said, shaking her hand.

                We sat talking for about another ten minutes until I got up and told them I was going to drive back home. We said goodbye and I drove back to the house.

             After I got back and went down to Starbuck’s again, reading up to thirty pages of The Silmarillion. Soon after, I got the idea to take some of my unflattened bottle caps (which I had duplicates of), flatten them, take some of my flattened ones, and make tambourines like I had last year, only this time with one stick that the caps were connected to by nails. I went down to the hardware store, got a short rod, got back, and made a tambourine. Later that night I also read more of The Silmarillion, getting forty or so pages into it. Unfortunately, my cold still got worse. 

                The next morning I finished scooping Peter’s litter box when I heard a knock on the door.  I went downstairs and saw who it was. It was Riccardo, one of my best friends from high school. 

                I let him in and learned he was here to talk to my mom about doing some work for her. I brought him to her and they talked about it. He also said in a few days he would be going to Italy to visit relatives for about a week. Soon my mom asked if he and I were connected on Facebook, and he said we were. He also said we had a few mutual friends including Teigan Hockman and Marshall Edwards from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City. My mom asked, “Oh, are you a part of ASAN-KC?”

                “Sort of.  I don’t really know much about it.”

                “Well you should talk to Ben and learn about getting involved.”

                “Sure,” I said, my heart racing at the prospect. “We could go down to Starbuck’s and I could tell you about it.”

                “Ok”, he said.

                We walked down there and ordered our drinks. Then we went outside, to a cool October afternoon and sat down with our coffee. Finally I said, “So about ASAN…”

                “Yeah?”

                “Well, we’re a group that pushes for greater inclusion of autistic people in society. We were founded eight years ago by two young autistic college students, Ari Ne’eman our president, and Scott Robertson our vice president. We have chapters all across the country including York, Sacramento, Michigan, and of course, Kansas City. We also have chapters in Australia and New Zealand.”

                “Well that’s good.”

                “Yeah. Anyway, one thing a lot of us do at ASAN is use identity-first language when talking about autistic people, meaning we say 'autistic person,' rather than 'person with autism,' basically to denote that we don’t think autism is something that needs to be hidden about one’s self for them to be respected.”

                “That’s good,” he said, nodding.

                “We also believe in a concept called neurodiversity, where we believe all brains of people, whether they are autistic, not autistic, dyslexic, or whatever, should be respected the way they are and people with them should have equal rights to society.”

                “Good,” he said, looking interested.

                “And we also are a cross-disability group, meaning we work with groups of people from all different disabilities to promote equality and access for all of us. So we work with organizations of people with Down syndrome, dyslexia, Tourette’s syndrome.”

                “Well, I have a question?”

                “Yeah?”

                “How can I get involved?”

                Relief came into my body.

                As we walked back to my house I told Riccardo how ASAN-KC met every month and how if you couldn’t attend in person, you could attend on-line through Google+. I also told him about my Friend of Autism Pledge, and that I could send it to him, and if he agreed with it, I could add his name to the list of names on my door. He agreed to let me send it to him, and when we got back, he gave me his e-mail address. 

                He hung out at our house for a little while, watching the football game with us. Meanwhile, my cold had gotten almost unbearable. Soon Riccardo left, and around that time, I got packed up, and my mom drove me back to school, while I felt too tired to drive myself. We got back and she insisted on vacuuming the room herself for a little while. She also located a package in my room that I hadn’t opened yet, and inside it turned out to be a whole bag of Wasabi peas, which she said would be could for my sinuses. She left me with some cough drops, and later I went down to dinner. I got back to my hall, deciding to just rest, and went out into the lounge and read more of The Silmarillion, getting almost fifty pages into it. 

A Week of New Identity

Later, after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM. 

                I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to Dad and Granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before, sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in ‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other posters.

                The next morning I went down to the Union and set up the poster. After that I worked on our presentation for my Creative Problem-Solving class. Then I went to my Anthropology of Food class where I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. After I got out I realized that maybe at the Autistic Student and Peer Organization we could have an on-line conversation where members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others can see that others in their circle might be autistic. After that I got a new Susan B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger building. Then I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our presentation. After that I got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room and he asked about my poster on my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.

                I made some more plarn at dinner. Then I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to Granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II homework.

                The next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto Facebook. I also shared an article on ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate, and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner with some people from my hall. After that I worked on my yarn painting some more. 

While I ran, I saw Teigan had messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great friend for doing that. I also asked her that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and she responded with a smiley face. I realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group, not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a true family. I got back and wrote a few poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to feel important. Then I wrote a few more poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:

Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
 

                That night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but from themselves. I also realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.

 

                I got back and made some more plarn at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. Then I got back to my dorm, and went down to Late Night where I starting knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12 o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his, who happened to be Chinese to.  He also invited me to go fishing with him and Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Barbara.  Soon after that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said he did really good.

                I had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk around UCM. I walked by the fraternity house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO; then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St. Louis. As I crossed the street heading back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl; then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café.  Then I went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a puzzle and three belts. I got back and started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched the baseball game. Then we went to eat Mexican food in the town. We got back and watched the game some more. Then we went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.

                The next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to Granddad, who I learned had just gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and he was very sympathetic. I also undid my original attempt at crocheting plarn. I saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I also sat with him and Josh. Afterwards, including some of the time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out how to crochet, and finally got it.

                On Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara, Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked more on my plarn belt, and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth floor lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented me on it. I got back and worked on my belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her journal entries. Then I worked on my belt some more.

                The next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my crochet belt. After my last class, Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds while I crocheted some more. Then I worked on my belt and crocheted some more.

                On my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.”  I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy, much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies, rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”

                Not promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”

                As I left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I should be there to show the right way for. I talked to Granddad, and he agreed that could be true.

I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward my hard work. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices and some small Altoids. Also, that night, Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of North Ellis.

That night I dreamt that another girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two girls. Sara also joined us, and as we sat I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were doing for Hook and Reeder. I went downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look like the things on pinball machines. At the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of Associations.

                I got out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold to. And in the dream, when I realized every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream, indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet last year. I realized one thing: that the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture, upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.

As I took a shower, I remembered what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone experienced it the same. Accepting oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the public school system. 

                As I walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know.  Just some guy.” 

                After that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine. 

                The next morning I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went to that class where I learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their lands. After that class I read a little bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me and I talked to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this weekend.

                After my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so long. The feeling was only for four hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period, wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy.  I felt significantly better after class got out, and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief, albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and many autistics still feel. After Late Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting sequences. I realized that before I left Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism was not a part of. The next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it relates to the work of Temple Grandin.

                The next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday party, I saw a grasshopper, and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American, and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to Hasting’s with me sometime. 

                The next morning I sat with Amanda and Paige.  I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from plarn. After that I wrote my paper for my Anthropology of Food class. I got back and worked on my belt some more, and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism community. I got back and talked to Granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked more on my belt. I got back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.

                On the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my Cinematography class. The day after that Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous right then.  After that I e-mailed Sean about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference, and then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge, and realized that much like music is for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including some art majors. At the table I still got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers, Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.

The next morning I found my blinds had been fixed. Later, while I sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in, and seemed very happy to see me. Mom texted me asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after class. Later on I ate dinner with Josiah and Josh. I also worked more on my two belts and my toilet paper roll wall art, and got a new bottle cap from my new beers that I got recently. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. I also called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center today. After that I went down to Late Night where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food (or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of those places. After that I finished the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.

The next day after my Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After I got out of class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom. 

I got home and saw that Mom had left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with Mom, who during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple Grandin.” The thought seemed almost overwhelming to me.

After dinner, I told my mom one thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to start all over the country. My mom said, “Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to replicate.”

After that I talked to Erin and Granddad. I also made some more plarn and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.