A Week of New Identity

Later, after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM. 

                I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to Dad and Granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before, sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in ‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other posters.

                The next morning I went down to the Union and set up the poster. After that I worked on our presentation for my Creative Problem-Solving class. Then I went to my Anthropology of Food class where I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. After I got out I realized that maybe at the Autistic Student and Peer Organization we could have an on-line conversation where members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others can see that others in their circle might be autistic. After that I got a new Susan B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger building. Then I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our presentation. After that I got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room and he asked about my poster on my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.

                I made some more plarn at dinner. Then I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to Granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II homework.

                The next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto Facebook. I also shared an article on ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate, and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner with some people from my hall. After that I worked on my yarn painting some more. 

While I ran, I saw Teigan had messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great friend for doing that. I also asked her that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and she responded with a smiley face. I realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group, not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a true family. I got back and wrote a few poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to feel important. Then I wrote a few more poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:

Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
 

                That night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but from themselves. I also realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.

 

                I got back and made some more plarn at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. Then I got back to my dorm, and went down to Late Night where I starting knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12 o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his, who happened to be Chinese to.  He also invited me to go fishing with him and Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Barbara.  Soon after that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said he did really good.

                I had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk around UCM. I walked by the fraternity house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO; then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St. Louis. As I crossed the street heading back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl; then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café.  Then I went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a puzzle and three belts. I got back and started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched the baseball game. Then we went to eat Mexican food in the town. We got back and watched the game some more. Then we went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.

                The next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to Granddad, who I learned had just gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and he was very sympathetic. I also undid my original attempt at crocheting plarn. I saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I also sat with him and Josh. Afterwards, including some of the time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out how to crochet, and finally got it.

                On Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara, Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked more on my plarn belt, and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth floor lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented me on it. I got back and worked on my belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her journal entries. Then I worked on my belt some more.

                The next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my crochet belt. After my last class, Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds while I crocheted some more. Then I worked on my belt and crocheted some more.

                On my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.”  I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy, much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies, rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”

                Not promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”

                As I left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I should be there to show the right way for. I talked to Granddad, and he agreed that could be true.

I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward my hard work. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices and some small Altoids. Also, that night, Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of North Ellis.

That night I dreamt that another girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two girls. Sara also joined us, and as we sat I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were doing for Hook and Reeder. I went downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look like the things on pinball machines. At the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of Associations.

                I got out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold to. And in the dream, when I realized every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream, indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet last year. I realized one thing: that the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture, upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.

As I took a shower, I remembered what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone experienced it the same. Accepting oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the public school system. 

                As I walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know.  Just some guy.” 

                After that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine. 

                The next morning I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went to that class where I learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their lands. After that class I read a little bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me and I talked to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this weekend.

                After my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so long. The feeling was only for four hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period, wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy.  I felt significantly better after class got out, and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief, albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and many autistics still feel. After Late Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting sequences. I realized that before I left Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism was not a part of. The next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it relates to the work of Temple Grandin.

                The next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday party, I saw a grasshopper, and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American, and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to Hasting’s with me sometime. 

                The next morning I sat with Amanda and Paige.  I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from plarn. After that I wrote my paper for my Anthropology of Food class. I got back and worked on my belt some more, and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism community. I got back and talked to Granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked more on my belt. I got back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.

                On the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my Cinematography class. The day after that Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous right then.  After that I e-mailed Sean about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference, and then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge, and realized that much like music is for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including some art majors. At the table I still got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers, Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.

The next morning I found my blinds had been fixed. Later, while I sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in, and seemed very happy to see me. Mom texted me asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after class. Later on I ate dinner with Josiah and Josh. I also worked more on my two belts and my toilet paper roll wall art, and got a new bottle cap from my new beers that I got recently. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. I also called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center today. After that I went down to Late Night where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food (or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of those places. After that I finished the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.

The next day after my Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After I got out of class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom. 

I got home and saw that Mom had left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with Mom, who during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple Grandin.” The thought seemed almost overwhelming to me.

After dinner, I told my mom one thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to start all over the country. My mom said, “Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to replicate.”

After that I talked to Erin and Granddad. I also made some more plarn and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Many Meetings

The first Friday of October was here, and it was the day I went to Horizon to speech to Mrs. Lindgren’s high school literature class about my experiences after Horizon as an autistic man. My granddad drove me, as I had forgotten to bring my medications home, and I got there buzzing in at the front door, and then went into the main office. There I met my old high school, middle school, and elementary school principal, Sharyl Kennedy. We said hello, and I filled her in on my events of the seven years. Then a short woman with shoulder-length brown hair arrived as though looking for me. She smiled and said, “Hi, are you Ben?”

                “Yes,” I said.

                “Hi, I’m Mrs. Lindgren. I’m the high school literature teacher. Mrs. Asher’s told me about you. Thanks for coming. If you would like to just follow me downstairs?”

                I followed her and we stopped at an empty classroom, in which was my former high school teacher, Vicki Asher, looking the same as she had always done since I was here.

                “Hi, Ben, you can come on in here if you like.”

                I walked in and sat down. Mrs. Asher explained to me that her class was learning in a different classroom and asked me what had been happening since I last saw her. I told her about joining the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, and how I had been pursuing a degree in Cultural Studies, which after school I hoped to use to help the autistic community. She said, “Well, you already know how to do that, not that a degree in Cultural Studies wouldn’t help.”

                I told her also about trying to start the first ever autistic student club at UCM, and how so many autistics were reluctant to join for fear of “coming out of the autism closet” for both to others and themselves. She said, “Well, it’s like the five-stages of grief; not everyone deals with it the same way. Sooner or later it’s best that they embrace it sooner or later and accept the strengths and challenges that come with it.”

                Soon another teacher arrived, one with short blonde hair, who I remembered very well: my former art and music teacher. She led me down to a room, the Blackbox Theater, explaining excitedly how she was teaching drama since the last two years. Suddenly Mrs. Asher, followed by Mrs. Lindgren and my former school counselor Brad Epsten came in and started setting up chairs in front of the stage. Mrs. Asher took a stool and set it right behind the top of the steps.

                “Is that where…”

                “We were going to have you sit here if that’s alright,” Mrs. Asher answered for me.

                I got up and sat myself down on the stool. Soon nearly two dozen people showed up, not including Mrs. Asher, Mrs. Lindgren, Mr. Epsten, a tall plaid-dressed man with a mustache, and another one of my former high school teachers from eleventh grade, Alice Jones. The students sat down, their eyes all on me.

                Mrs. Asher cleared her throat and spoke.

                “So, it turns out we were going to have the entire high school class come and talk to you, just so they can learn for when they get out of Horizon how to navigate life outside school, not just as people on the autism spectrum, but people with different intellectual abilities in general, so if you could go ahead and introduce yourself?”

                I took a deep breath, and said, “Hello, my name is Ben Edwards. I am twenty-five years old and I am an autistic man. I go to the University of Central Missouri, and I am majoring in Cultural Studies. I also write two autism blogs, and I am a member of the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City, and I am trying to start a student organization for autistic students at UCM.” Mrs. Asher turned on her eye-pad and aimed it at me. “So, with that in mind, what would you like to know?”

                A student in the front right row raised his hand.

                “Yes?”

                “What is it like for you to have autism?

                “Well, that is a good question. I think the main difference between me and other non-autistic people is that I tend to sense things differently, and that sometimes impacts my learning, though I have learned I can do things to accommodate for it and learn just like the rest of my peers.”

                Mrs. Jones raised her hand.

                “Yes?”

                “I have a question, Ben. Could you tell us a little bit about these sensory differences and how they are for you?”

                “Ok, well, the thing is, I experience so many things differently. Different pieces of art or music may stand out more to me, and I may be more receptive to certain colors or sounds or tastes.”

                A student raised their hand.

                “Why do they call it the autism spectrum?”

                “That’s a good question. To me it’s because all autistic people are different, not so much in a linear way, but they do have various sets of abilities. Some would not be speaking up here but might be using a type machine. Some may not go off to college as I did but might find other work to do. What I’ve found is those with certain abilities may be able to help those who don’t have those abilities, but regardless I think all autistic people can contribute something and we together are a great voice for ourselves.”

                People clapped around the room. Another student, a young male on the left-hand side raised his hand.

                Mrs. Jones raised her hand again.

                “I have another question, well more of a comment really, I mean, you never used your autism as an excuse not to do things, I mean, you said in your Student of the Year Award speech when you were here that we can give someone the key, but they have to unlock the door, so it seems for you that we can give you something, but you in the end have to be the one yourself who does the work.”

                “Yes, that is true. And as for the fact that I never used my autism as an excuse, there is also a flip-side to that, that I did not want to admit my autism, even to myself, and it took me some time before I was truly willing to embrace it, and accept it as part of who I am.”

                People clapped again. Then Mr. Epsten raised his hand.

                “I had a question, Ben. Could you tell us what is it of Horizon that you felt prepared you for later in life, like what we did that we should keep doing that could help our other students here for when they graduate and they go out into the world on their own?

                “Yes.  I felt one thing that Horizon did was it prepared me socially in way that I did not have before. Just very subtle ways the school did things helped me learn others' thoughts and ideas that they don’t always say. And in one case, I really think I learned to write well, using lessons later that I learned here, that helps me now that I do my blogs. I would also say the drama classes helped me very well, for I learned very well public speaking, which helped me later as I started an autistic student group at Johnson County Community College, so those of all things I felt really helped me at Horizon.”

                Another round of applause went around the room. Mrs. Jones raised her hand again.

                “Yes?”

                “Well, you’ve said very well what Horizon helped you with, but were there any other ways we could have done things differently that would have made you better prepared for the real world?

                “I have to say after high school there were some times I struggled, a lot of it in classes that I would sometimes drop out of [at JCCC], particularly in math and so on, but I do feel that all that has happened to me is the reason I am here today, and if I would have gotten help when I needed it sometimes, I feel I could have avoided certain struggles I had.”

                Mr. Epsten spoke.

                “So that goes as a lesson for all of us here: ask for help when you need it.

                The room applauded once more.

                Another student, sitting on the left in the first row, raised his hand.

                “Yes?”

                “Were you ever influenced by Marie Montessori, the founder of the Montessori school system?”

                “I can’t exactly say I was because I don’t really know much of Montessori, though I do believe I’ve heard of this person. It is possible that I was because our paths may have crossed somewhere and Montessori may have influenced what later shaped how I think, so…”

                Mrs. Jones raised her hand again.

                “I wanted to ask about jobs, since you had a job since you were here in high school, I mean what can you tell these students about jobs for when they go off into the real world?”

                “Well, yes, when I was here, I had a volunteer job. After I got out of high school in my first year of college, I got a job at Corinth Hen House grocery stores, sacking groceries and taking them outside for customers who wanted it. Sometimes I didn’t always understand what was being asked of me, but I learned you can thrive at a job if you do what you’re asked, be polite, be on time, and ask for help when you need to.”

                Mrs. Asher raised her hand.

                “I’m sorry, Ben, could you repeat those four things for us."

                She aimed the iPad more at me.

                “Do what you’re asked, be polite, on time, and ask for help when you need it.”

                “Ok, thank you.”

                The room applauded once more.

                A student in the second row on the left raised her hand.

                “Yes.”

                “Did you ever feel in college like you were cast aside?"

                “Well, the thing is, I don’t think I was so much cast aside as I cast myself aside. Often times I just worried people would reject me because of my autism that I didn’t do so much with them. It took me a while to trust them and be comfortable around them. Eventually though I started my own social network of the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group at JCCC where I felt very accepted.

                A student in the back of the right side raised his hand.

                “Do you believe you would have done these student groups if you didn’t have autism?”

                “You know I don’t think I would. I may not have seen what goes on with autistic students and may not have realized they needed help.”

                The same girl in the second row on the right raised her hand again.

                “If you could choose not to have autism, would you.”

                “The truth is I don’t think I could.  I couldn’t imagine myself without autism. It would just be like trying to imagine myself as a different race or a different gender, and I don’t think I could picture that.”

                The whole room clapped again. Then Mrs. Asher spoke.

                “Thank you, Ben for your great words. We’re out of time now, but I just wanted to say we always knew you were headed towards greatness, and we wanted to thank you for coming here to share your great understanding and awareness, and we wish you luck wherever you go.”

                The whole room clapped again. I got up and went over to the door.  As the students left, they shook my hand and said, “Thank you.”

                As they all left, Mr.  Epsten approached me and said, “Well thanks, Ben. I also wanted to let you know I’ve enjoyed reading your blog. If you have time, would you like to take a quick tour of the school?”

                “Sure.”

                We went upstairs, and he showed me around the old floor that I had taken classes on. It was very much the same except there was a brand new wooden floor and one of the old rooms had now been converted into a “panic room,” where stressed out students could go to relax anytime. He told me he heard that many autistic people were uncomfortable saying they had autism but were also alright with saying they had ADD. We also talked about the tendency I mentioned of being reluctant to get help. He said, “I kind of think if you’re not willing to get help, no one can make you do it.”

                We finished the tour and I got ready to leave. We said goodbye and he thanked me for coming there. I met my granddad on the far east parking lot and got in his car. He said, “So how did it go?”

                “Good.  I think I did really well.”

                “Well good. I knew you would. You’ve helped a whole lot of people today, more than you’ll ever know.”

                I got home saw Mrs. Asher sent me a Facebook message thanking me for my words. Then I went down to Starbuck’s, where I got two new bottle caps for my collection from my drinks. I got back and finished my food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class before five o’clock. I also found out where Spencer’s house was for the ASAN meeting.

 

                The next morning after breakfast, cuddled up in a blanket on the couch with Peter in the living room, remembering fondly how I used to love hanging out in that living room back in high school when the seasons got colder, and I spent every day at that house. Soon afterwards I went to Spencer’s house where my grandparents drove me, as I still did not have my medication, and meet him and several other ASAN-KC members, who it felt really great to be in the company of, and we prepared a bit for our presentation at JCCC. Teigan and Marshall arrived, and Teigan told me how she planned to attend UCM next semester because she heard the disability services at UMKC were very second-rate, and Vocational Rehab didn’t want to pay for her to go to KU, which was outside her home state of Missouri. I also heard Marshall mention to Teigan a young man named Riccardo, like I had gone to school with, who he liked very much and learned was also autistic. Eventually, when over half a dozen ASAN members had gotten there, we worked on deciding what we would say at the conference. We decided to say that, “the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network was started in 2006 by Ari Ne’eman and Scott Robertson, and that our chapter in Kansas City had grown to twenty active members, and we have since partnered with the Autism Society of the Heartland; our mission was advocating greater equality and inclusion for autistic people; run by and for autistics and their allies; we also used identity-first language (most of us anyway) to indicate that autism is not something we believe you can separate from an autistic person; we believed in neurodiversity-that all different neurological identities (Down syndrome, dyslexia, autism) were equal, and we were willing to work with different disability organizations to promote access for people with all abilities; we also agreed we would not answer questions about bodily functions, such as ‘why does my kid smear poop on the wall’ or ‘can you have sex?’” Soon however, my grandparents texted me saying they wanted to get home before it got to dark, so fifteen minutes later I told my group and had to leave and said goodbye. I got back and went down to down to Starbuck’s. Then I got back and hung out with Peter while I worked on my plarn belt.

                The next day I put away all my recyclables that I brought to store at home and scooped up Peter’s litter box. I also realized that Mom had left a new bottle cap for my collection on my bedside table. I went back to school with my grandmom and granddad, and when I got back, I took a nap for an hour and forty-five minutes. Then I went to Planet Sub with Jessie, Josh, Collin, and Drake. After I got back, I returned my library books. Then I ran on the treadmill for about half an hour and saw Jessie while I was at the Rec Center running on the track. I got back and saw Sara, who asked if I got a new haircut, and I said I probably just forgot to comb it, and she teased me saying that was probably the case. I got back to my dorm and talked to Granddad who was a little optimistic about the prospects of the group with Tom, Teigan, me, and others at the UCM group being able to attract more students for my group, which he said was great. My dad also agreed that the four or so of us should be a really good start for the group.