Preparing for Exams Again

On the first day of December, I got the idea to glue my non-crown bottle caps to an old record as a reference to song from the quote from Thorin Oakenshield, “If more of us valued food and drink and song and cheer over hoarded gold and silver, a much merrier world this would be.” Then I went down to Walgreen’s and got some shampoo and toilet paper. After that I fixed my god’s eye while I saw Sara. TI also went down to the OAS Office to schedule my Anthropology of Food exam. Then I went to the Union bookstore and got some hooks for my god-eye. I got back and hung it up, along with my yarn painting of Gandhi.  After that I made some more plarn. I also went to my Cinematography class where I got a 16.5% out of 30 on the exam, but it counted for less than 10% of my total score. After that I called Mom and asked her when I might say I can work until before we go to Colorado, and she said the 26th. I called Hen House and found out Rick wasn’t there out, he was going to be there tomorrow. Then I went down to Crazy Dog’s and had some honey barbecue wings. Later I went down to the Rec Center and saw Sara along the way and we talked. While I was there, I worked on another drawing. I said another sankalpa (Buddhist affirmation for the next day) that night. 

The next morning, I went to my appointment with Krisana and I enrolled for the Geography of the Former Soviet Union, Native American Religions, American Naturalist and Realist Literature, and Comparative Cultures. During that time, Krisana said I had ninety-eight credit hours, which meant I was due to graduate the next semester and ought to apply for graduation soon. I thought that couldn’t be and I only had ninety-two credit hours, fifty from JCCC and forty-two from UCM, and still had two more semesters. In any case, I did not think I could start the Autistic Student and Peer Organization in just one more semester, and it was something that meant so much to me and that I had put so much work into. 

Soon after that I called Hen House, but they told me to call back later. After classes got out, called Hen House and gave Rick my schedule. After running, I talked to my dad, who said he does have some records for me to use for my bottle cap peace signs that we can check out the next time we go to my grandmom’s and granddad’s house. After that I went to Late Night where I saw some new American Dad!. The next morning, I went to work with my Creative Problem-Solving group, and we finished our model, assigned speaking roles, and I filled out my evaluation worksheet. After that I went to see Cathy at the OAS Office and got my accommodation letters sent out, and I told Cathy about my concerns about the number of credit hours I had being miscounted and she printed off a degree audit, which confirmed my ideas, and told me to talk to my academic advisors about it. Later I made some more plarn. 

Later I reposted The Friend of Autism Pledge on Facebook. Then I had dinner with Josiah, who gave me his number before he moves out into Foster/Knox. I got back and saw three more people, including Jess, had liked The Friend of Autism Pledge, and I added their names to my list. I also finished my Anthropology of Food paper. Later I saw Jennifer Smith from the Autism Society of the Heartland had liked The Friend of Autism Pledge. After that I went down to Break Time where I got a new Snapple cap for my collection from my drink and picked up and recycled a bottle I found. 

After my Anthropology of Food class, the next morning I took a short nap. I also worked on my bottle cap wind chimes. Then I sat with Mardy, Alex, Mary, Blair, and Ellie at lunch. During my Creative Problem-Solving class my teammates and I worked more on our project. Soon after I got back to my dorm I went to the mandatory meeting for our hall. Then I had some cookies for National Cookie Day at dinner. Later I made my first sing from several of the crown bottle caps in my collection, using wood I brought from home during the break, saying “Now.” I was rather pleased with how it turned out. That night I also recited a sankalpa.

The next morning, I went down to the hardware store to buy some more, and then Bi-Lo Mart and got two drinks along with a four-pack out drinks. I got back from the Rec Center and talked to my dad, who said he saw Sean Swindler today, and he was very full of good things to say about me and said that he thinks I really changed the culture of JCCC. Later Josiah gave me a bag, which was full of candy canes. Then we watched some College Humor videos together. After that I walked down to Break Time and got some Altoids. That night I recited a sankalpa again.

The next day I made another receipt coaster and finished another one. Then I went down to Those Were the Days and bought some more embroidery floss. I also began thinking more about how mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn, used to say when asked by people if pure attention in Buddhism had anything to do with Attention Deficit Disorder, and how he would answer that the Buddha would say everyone in our society has Attention Deficit Disorder. I decided I was going to write a letter to him asking him to stop saying that, feeling that was demeaning and offensive towards people with AD/HD such as me. I got back and worked on my yarn painting some more. Soon after that I talked to my granddad, who I told about my idea to write a letter to Jon Kabat-Zinn asking him to stop quoting the Buddha as to saying everyone has ADHD and about how as an autistic I feel so underrepresented in Buddhism, and he said I he thought my letter was a good idea and that I had a lot of good points that he never thought about before. Then I worked on another coaster. After running I talked to Dad, who liked my letter idea. Then I worked on my yarn painting some more. After that I talked to Tyler, and I promised to call him again tomorrow.

The next day worked more on my yarn painting. Soon after that I had dinner with Jess, Josh, Drake, and Larry. After that I worked more on my bottle cap wind chimes and found a place to store all of them in my old hot glue stick bags in my old jellybeans bag. Then I started another receipt coaster. I also ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. Soon after that I realized I might not need to worry about feeling unappreciated at UCM for my autism work because Teigan might be coming here next year. After that I went down to Break Time and got two packs of beef jerky and Doritos. On my way back I picked up and recycled a bottle I found on the ground. When I got back, I talked to Tyler and decided each time I talked to him I would praise his advice because it makes him feel good, and in some ways, he does have good advice. I also saw how he can be much smarter than people think. 

I worked more on one of my plarn belts. As I took a shower, I decided that since I only had two Vyvanse pills left, I would skip them the next day or the day after that so I could take them on Thursday and drive home them. I went down to Walgreen’s to get them refilled, but they said it was too early. Never-the-less I did pick up and recycle several recyclables I found on the ground and picked up several receipts which I used to complete three more receipt coasters when I got back. I also realized that if I focused less on my feelings of being unappreciated as an autism advocate, of being unsupported, and how dire the task were, I might be more productive in coming up with ideas, and that, if stimming can help one regulate one’s focus, one could also use it to focus on the things that make them happy. Later I turned my form for the testing center into Dr. Yelton. Then I went down to the bank, deposited my check from my grandmom, and got several quarters. I got back and did some laundry, during which time I worked on my crochet belt. I also decided not to focus so much on my love life for a while, so I’ll have less stress over that and be more able to focus on the group. After that I had dinner with Josiah, Tyler (different Tyler), and a few of Tyler’s friends. I got back from the Rec Center and started two coasters. After that I went to Late Night where I joined Josiah and Josh. Later I worked more on my final papers for my American Renaissance class.

The next day I vacuumed my room. Then I took out my trash and recycling. After that I cleaned them out.  I also signed on to Pinterest. Then I ate with Jacob and Josh in the cafeteria. I ran on the treadmill while I worked on my plarn belt. I also worked on my final papers for my American Renaissance class. That night I hung out with Josiah and Josh in my room. The next day I went to all three of my exams, making some plarn in between my first and second one, got checked out of my dorm by Jess, and drove home with my mom. 

 

 

 

A Weekend for ASAN

The day after I got home, I spent part of the day in Starbuck’s reading J.R.R. Tolkien’s The Silmarillion, and to my surprise, managed to get over twenty pages into it. On my way back I went to Rimann’s Liquor Store and got a new bottle cap for my collection from a giant bottled water I got there. Unfortunately, that night my cold that I had been developing over the past few days started getting worse.

                The next morning I drove down to Johnson County Community College to attend the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City’s presentation at JCCC’s Autism Beyond the Diagnosis Conference. I got there and went down to the Nerman Buidling, where I found Sean Swindler, the man who had helped me so much at starting the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group, as I went to get my nametag. He smiled at me, held out his hand, and I shook it.

                “Ben,” he said. “It’s good to see you. How are you?”

                “Good. How are you?”

                "Good. I just wanted to tell you the group you started is going great. We get about twenty-five people to come each meeting.”

                “Wow! That’s great!”

                “Yes, it’s going great. And you started it all.”

                I then saw another familiar face I recognized from JCCC, Mary-Jane Billingsley, a faculty member from the school who was a great supporter of the great. I approached her and she was overjoyed to see me. She said a JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group member recently presented at the conference and it had one of the largest turnouts they had had in a while. Soon I met up with Pam, Daniel, Spencer, Skyler, a young female ASAN-KC member, and a tall bearded member, Bart Ewing, a social worker who worked with autistic children and I met for the first time. 

                As it was time for the presentation to start, I went into the designated room and met Elizabeth, Elise from Horizon, and Erin from Camp Encourage, as well as a middle-aged blonde women and a wiry-haired, broad-shouldered black young man. I talked to Elise, who told me she was going to the movie benefit for Camp Encourage, which I had invited her to on Facebook later that day. 

11:30, the time we were supposed to start, was approaching, yet Teigan and Marshall had not yet arrived. Spencer went up to the stand and said that they called and had car troubles and were running late. As 11:30 came, they had not yet arrived and Spencer began the introduction, explaining the mission and history of ASAN and its local Kansas City chapter. Soon after, he finished and Pam continued, telling the audience about person-first language vs. identity-first language (person with autism-denying autism as part of a person vs. autistic person where one acknowledges it), and mentioned how still if an autistic person prefers person-first language, you should use it around them. The young female member went up to the stand next and spoke on autism rights. Skyler went up next to tell the audience about self-advocacy. Bart then spoke about accommodations for autistic and disabled people. Then, finally Teigan and Marshall arrived and gave their part of the presentation.  Marshall spoke at length about neurodiversity, and then Teigan spoke about cross-disability activism.  As the presentation ended, the floor opened to questions. The blonde women asked about her son with Asperger syndrome, and how they felt he might fit into the group. Teigan answered saying anyone who agreed to our rules on respect for disabled people were welcome to come. Then Erin raised her hand and said, “I agree with your idea of accepting autistic people the way they are. I just wanted to ask, how do you ask an autistic person whether they want you to use person-first or identity-first language?”

                Elizabeth spoke up.

                “I think just the way you worded it is fine.”

                The presentation ended and I met the audience and ASAN members outside the room. I approached Teigan and asked her when we were having the silent auction. She said we weren’t going to have it, as she couldn’t reserve a room at UMKC, but we might have it in January. I also told her about The Friend of Autism Pledge, and she said if I e-mailed her with it, they might be able to put it up on their website. The blonde woman approached me and asked, “Are you Ben Edwards?”

                “Yes,” I said.

                “Well, I just wanted to let you know I read your blog and thought it was just great, all that you chose to put on there. I love how autistics are just so honest.”

                I laughed.

                “Well if you liked my blog, there’s something else I did that you might like.”

                She nodded.

                “It’s called The Friend of Autism Pledge. Basically it’s a pledge of how one agrees to treat autistics, it’s on my other blog, and if you agree with what it says you can add your name to the comment section and I will put your name on a list outside the door of my dorm at school. I’m trying to get more autistics there to be able to be open about their condition so I can start a group for autistic students.”

                “Ok, well I will look at that. Can I get there from your other blog?”

                “Yes.”

                The young Black male held out his hand and I shook it. 

                “Hi, my name’s Cole,” he said.

                “Hi, I’m Ben.”

                “She’s my mom," he said, pointing to the woman.

                Soon I met up with Erin and Elizabeth. I told Erin about The Friend of Autism Pledge and said I could send it to her via e-mail, and if she agreed to it, I would put her name on my list.

                “Ok,” she said and gave me her e-mail address.

                We all went out into the Nerman lobby and sat down. Several of the ASAN members were saying that in the future they would like to have an idea of what the room they would present in looks like beforehand, to avoid sensory overstimulation. A dark-haired woman sat around them and listened to them. She saw me and spoke to me.

                “Ben?”

                “Yeah.”

                “Hi, I’m Jennifer Smith, the president of the Autism Society of the Heartland.”

                “Oh, nice to meet you,” I said, shaking her hand.

                We sat talking for about another ten minutes until I got up and told them I was going to drive back home. We said goodbye and I drove back to the house.

             After I got back and went down to Starbuck’s again, reading up to thirty pages of The Silmarillion. Soon after, I got the idea to take some of my unflattened bottle caps (which I had duplicates of), flatten them, take some of my flattened ones, and make tambourines like I had last year, only this time with one stick that the caps were connected to by nails. I went down to the hardware store, got a short rod, got back, and made a tambourine. Later that night I also read more of The Silmarillion, getting forty or so pages into it. Unfortunately, my cold still got worse. 

                The next morning I finished scooping Peter’s litter box when I heard a knock on the door.  I went downstairs and saw who it was. It was Riccardo, one of my best friends from high school. 

                I let him in and learned he was here to talk to my mom about doing some work for her. I brought him to her and they talked about it. He also said in a few days he would be going to Italy to visit relatives for about a week. Soon my mom asked if he and I were connected on Facebook, and he said we were. He also said we had a few mutual friends including Teigan Hockman and Marshall Edwards from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City. My mom asked, “Oh, are you a part of ASAN-KC?”

                “Sort of.  I don’t really know much about it.”

                “Well you should talk to Ben and learn about getting involved.”

                “Sure,” I said, my heart racing at the prospect. “We could go down to Starbuck’s and I could tell you about it.”

                “Ok,” he said.

                We walked down there and ordered our drinks. Then we went outside, to a cool October afternoon and sat down with our coffee. Finally I said, “So about ASAN…”

                “Yeah?”

                “Well, we’re a group that pushes for greater inclusion of autistic people in society. We were founded eight years ago by two young autistic college students, Ari Ne’eman our president, and Scott Robertson our vice president. We have chapters all across the country including York, Sacramento, Michigan, and of course, Kansas City. We also have chapters in Australia and New Zealand.”

                “Well, that’s good.”

                “Yeah. Anyway, one thing a lot of us do at ASAN is use identity-first language when talking about autistic people, meaning we say 'autistic person,' rather than 'person with autism,' basically to denote that we don’t think autism is something that needs to be hidden about one’s self for them to be respected.”

                “That’s good,” he said, nodding.

                “We also believe in a concept called neurodiversity, where we believe all brains of people, whether they are autistic, not autistic, dyslexic, or whatever, should be respected the way they are and people with them should have equal rights to society.”

                “Good,” he said, looking interested.

                “And we also are a cross-disability group, meaning we work with groups of people from all different disabilities to promote equality and access for all of us. So we work with organizations of people with Down syndrome, dyslexia, Tourette’s syndrome.”

                “Well, I have a question?”

                “Yeah?”

                “How can I get involved?”

                Relief came into my body.

                As we walked back to my house I told Riccardo how ASAN-KC met every month and how if you couldn’t attend in person, you could attend on-line through Google+. I also told him about my Friend of Autism Pledge, and that I could send it to him, and if he agreed with it, I could add his name to the list of names on my door. He agreed to let me send it to him, and when we got back, he gave me his e-mail address. 

                He hung out at our house for a little while, watching the football game with us. Meanwhile, my cold had gotten almost unbearable. Soon Riccardo left, and around that time, I got packed up, and my mom drove me back to school, while I felt too tired to drive myself. We got back and she insisted on vacuuming the room herself for a little while. She also located a package in my room that I hadn’t opened yet, and inside it turned out to be a whole bag of Wasabi peas, which she said would be could for my sinuses. She left me with some cough drops, and later I went down to dinner. I got back to my hall, deciding to just rest, and went out into the lounge and read more of The Silmarillion, getting almost fifty pages into it. 

A Week of New Identity

Later, after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM.

I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to my dad and granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before, sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in ‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other posters.

The next morning, I went down to the Union and set up the poster. Then I worked on our presentation for my Creative Problem-Solving class. After that I went to my Anthropology of Food class where I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. I also got out I realized that maybe at ASPO we could have an on-line conversation where members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others can see that others in their circle might be autistic. Then I got a new Susan B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger building. After that I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our presentation. I also got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room, and he asked about my poster on my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.

I made some more plarn at dinner. Then I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to my granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II homework.

The next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto Facebook. I also shared an article on ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate, and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner with some people from my hall. After that I worked on my yarn painting some more. 

While I ran, I saw Teigan had messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great friend for doing that. I also asked her that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and she responded with a smiley face. I realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group, not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a true family. I got back and wrote a few poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to feel important. Then I wrote a few more poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:

Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
 

               That night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but from themselves and then realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.

            I got back and made some more plarn at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I got back to my dorm and went down to Late Night where I started knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12 o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his, who happened to be Chinese too. He also invited me to go fishing with him and Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Dr. Mayfield. Soon after that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said he did really good.

            I had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk around UCM. I walked by the fraternity house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO; then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St. Louis. As I crossed the street heading back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl; then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café.  Then I went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a puzzle and three belts. I got back and started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched the baseball game. Then we went to eat Mexican food in the town. We got back and watched the game some more. Then we went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.

                The next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to my granddad, who I learned had just gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and he was very sympathetic. I also undid my original attempt at crocheting plarn. I saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding, and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I also sat with him and Josh. Afterwards, including some of the time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out how to crochet, and finally got it.

                On Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara, Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked more on my plarn belt and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth-floor lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented me on it. I got back and worked on my belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her journal entries. Then I worked on my belt some more.

                The next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my crochet belt. After my last class, Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds while I crocheted some more. Then I worked on my belt and crocheted some more.

                On my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.” I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy, much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies, rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”

                Not promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”

                As I left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I should be there to show the right way for. I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that could be true.

I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward my hard work. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices and some small Altoids. Also, that night, Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of North Ellis.

That night I dreamt that another girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two girls. Sara also joined us, and as we sat, I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were doing for Hook and Reeder. I went downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look like the things on pinball machines. At the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of Associations.

                I got out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold to. And in the dream, when I realized every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream, indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet last year. I realized one thing: that the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture, upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.

As I took a shower, I remembered what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone experienced it the same. Accepting oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the public school system. 

                As I walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know.  Just some guy.” 

                After that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine. 

                The next morning, I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went to that class where I learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their lands. After that class I read a little bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me, and I talked to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this weekend.

                After my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so long. The feeling was only for four hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period, wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy.  I felt significantly better after class got out, and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief, albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and many autistics still feel. After Late Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting sequences. I realized that before I left Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism was not a part of. The next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it relates to the work of Temple Grandin.

                The next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday party, I saw a grasshopper and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American, and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to Hasting’s with me sometime. 

                The next morning, I sat with Amanda and Paige. I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from plarn. After that I wrote my paper for my Anthropology of Food class. I got back and worked on my belt some more and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism community. I got back and talked to my granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked more on my belt. I got back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.

                On the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my Cinematography class. The day after that Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous right then. After that I e-mailed Sean about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference and then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge and realized that much like music is for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including some art majors. At the table I still got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers, Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.

The next morning, I found my blinds had been fixed. Later, while I sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in and seemed very happy to see me. Mom texted me asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after class. Later on, I ate dinner with Josiah and Josh. I also worked more on my two belts and my toilet paper roll wall art and got a new bottle cap from my new beers that I got recently. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. I also called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center today. After that I went down to Late Night where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food (or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of those places. After that I finished the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.

The next day after my Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After I got out of class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom. 

I got home and saw that my mom had left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with my mom, who during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple Grandin.” The thought seemed almost overwhelming to me.

After dinner, I told my mom one thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to start all over the country. My mom said, “Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to replicate.”

After that I talked to Erin and my granddad. I also made some more plarn and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Next Rush Begins

After I got back from Labor Day again made another bracelet for the silent auction. The next day I went outside, trying to spend some time outdoors as I heard it relieves stress, and read a lot of Walden for my American Renaissance class. I saw Sara walking by, though having forgotten her name, and she smiled and waved at me and we both said hello. I later went into the dining hall to get some coffee and relax, when I saw her. We both said hello and I said to her, feeling bad, “I’m sorry, I forgot your name.”

                “Sara,” she said.

                “Ok,”

                As she was getting some food, I told her, “If you want you can come sit with me.”

                “Ok,” she said.

                I sat down and after she was done getting food she joined me. We sat together and got to know each other a lot. I learned she was a Criminal Justice major, a junior, was from Lee’s Summit, had three older siblings, and didn’t like to watch TV, but loved to read. She was amazed by how I did my class schedule, saying she feels like she can only work with an organized schedule. I also learned she was taking Creative Problem-Solving with a different instructor. I told her about my coasters and art, and she said, “I could never do anything creative.” And I told her, “Well, remember what they say in class about how everyone has creativity.” I asked her if she had any pets, and she said she and her boyfriend both have a dog who lives in his apartment in Warrensburg. She asked, “Is your family coming down for family weekend?” I said, “No, there not.” It felt very nice that day being in her company.

                Later I returned my library books, deposited my pay checks, got a new student ID at the bank because mine was bent and they told me I could get a free replacement if I still had it at the bank, and bought some tape and glue at the Union bookstore to make some more receipt coasters for the silent auction. Then I read more of Walden this time indoors. After that I ate dinner with my hall. I skipped my exercise on the treadmill that night so I could finish my Creative Problem-Solving homework, which was due the next day. Then I started on my bracelet for today. Hillary got to my room and I helped her with her Composition I homework and agreed to be her tutor for that class. Then I finished my bracelet.

                The next morning I got up an hour earlier to do the rough draft for my Anthropology of Food class, which was due at the beginning of class at 9:30 that morning and was met by Paige, who I sat with, and she asked if I could meet her at the dining hall later today. We eventually decided on 4, and I agreed to be there. Then as I finished breakfast I saw President Ambrose of UCM come in and sit with a group of students, and went to say hello to him. He got up, shook my hand.

               “How are you doing?” he asked.

               “Good,” I said.

               “Yeah, and how are the new students?”

               “They seem pretty good. I’ve met a few of them this year though not all of them. I graduated a year ago.”

  “And you’re still here?” 

  “Yes,”

  “Well, I’m proud of you. Keep up the good work. How are classes going?”

  “Good,” I said.

  “Well, that’s great. You let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.”

  “Ok,” I said.       

                Wow. That felt good I thought as I left the hall.

                Sure enough I did get my paper typed up and turned in at the beginning of class. I also signed up for a paper tutorial the next Wednesday at 1. Then I responded to an e-mail from Nannie thanking me for my card, which she loved, and asking about my classes. After that I found Amos Bronson Alcott to write about for my American Renaissance research paper and e-mailed my instructor about it. I then read more of Walden. I went to my American Renaissance class where my paper proposal was approved of and I did the weekly writing and took part in our class discussion. When I got back and made another bracelet.

                I went and took my glass and other recyclables I found along my trip to the sheltered workshop. On my way back I went to the gas station where I got a new Snapple cap from my drink and saw Sara, whose hair looked like it had just gotten out of the shower. I got back and I made another bracelet. Then I made another coaster from receipts, while Jack called, during which time I told him I would be home next weekend and he invited me to come over and see his apartment, the Mission Project, his workplace, and order pizza, watch a movie, and go for a walk around the neighborhood. After that I went down to the bowling alley with people from my hall. I got back, and realized that if we, the autistic community who is dissatisfied with Autism Speaks’ impact on the autism community, were to give Alpha Xi Delta several one-star reviews on Facebook, telling them why we’re angry at the organization they support, we might be able to send a message out to them.

                The next day, I went down to breakfast and was joined by Paige while Mom called and said that she saw Rick at Hen House, and he said he got a note thanking him for my hours from me and was really impressed by it, and asked her to let me know that he’s always willing to give me work when I’m home for the breaks. I read a little bit about Walden in my latest issue of Sufi magazine, in an article about the spiritual environmental movement, and thought that might be something I’d love to get involved in with my writing and work. Afterwards I started working on some coasters while Josiah came and looked at our room and was impressed by the artwork I made. He showed me a battle ax he made from beer cans that he drank from and said that I ought to show Sara my art and mentioned that she always talks to me when she passes me. He and Mardy played some video games while I finished my coaster. I then went down to Those Were the Days and bought several new post cards to frame and some red embroidery floss. Soon after I got back, I saw several posts on Alpha Xi Delta’s Facebook page about their work with Autism Speaks, and realized we, the autism community who are not happy with Autism Speaks, were to gather in numbers and put several comments on those posts, we might get across to them. I talked to my granddad and he liked that idea. Then I went down to a gas station and got some more beers. Later on I went down to the new Fitzgerald diner where I sat with Mardy, Levi, his fiancée Rebecca, Blaire, Kriti, Josh, and several other THRIVE students. When I got back to the dorm, I felt tired and aching, and wrote a poem on how I felt like I had climbed a huge mountain every day from years of advocacy, bullying, and discrimination.

                The next morning, I went down to breakfast where I ate with Paige and two other THRIVE students who I met: Ellie and Sally. Afterwards I read a great deal of Walden outside for two hours. Then I did my laundry. During that time I sorted a lot of recycling. I also took my pictures for my Cinematography class.

                During dinner I commented on a Facebook post about Autism Speaks sponsors saying we should avoid the events of, comment on the posts about Autism Speaks from, and give one-star reviews criticizing Alpha Xi Delta’s involvement with Autism Speaks for the reasons we dislike it to Alpha Xi Delta. Then I shared the link urging people who disliked what AS does to the autistic community to avoid and unlike the pages of any of their sponsors that they had liked. I got back to my dorm and made another bracelet for the silent auction. I read more of Walden on the treadmill and when I got back I learned Ink4Autism decided to stop advising businesses to donate to Autism Speaks and donate to other groups instead and Drew Carrey, who was originally going to donate to Autism Speaks in solidarity of an autistic boy who was hurt during the Ice Bucket Challenge, instead decided to donate to a different organization after several people tweeted him telling them what Autism Speaks does to the autistic community. I then worked on my box and my Buddha a little more. I got the idea to carve some infinite signs, one for myself and one for the girl who turns out to be the right one for me, and started doing it. I went out into the lounge to relax, and again saw Sara pass me by, waving at me, carrying a bag.

                The next day I sat with Blair, Ellie, Kelsie, Shay and her boyfriend, and Mardy at lunch. Afterwards I read more of Walden outdoors. I also figured out how many white bottle caps I would need to make an autistic pride rainbow infinite sign. I then went into the dining hall to get a soda and saw Sara and Cameron there and we both said hello to each other, Sara giving me a very genuine smile. I figured out more of how I would make my bottle cap wall fish after that, and said goodbye to her before I left. After that I read more of Walden. Then I saw Sara through the doorway of the stairwell. She saw me and waved at me, smiling very wide. As we parted ways as she and Cameron went to the Rec Center, she turned around, smiling so widely she showed her teeth, and waved. Then I got to the Union bookstore and got some sticky pads. 

                After class I gave Hillary, Mardy, and Josiah all beers before going down to Crazy Dog’s to eat. I went to Crazy Dog’s where I enjoyed their delicious burgers and got a new bottle cap for my collection from my delicious ginger beer. I got back and as I was unlocking my door to go into my room, I saw Alex and he said he saw my snack wrapper collage and was really impressed and almost thought it was a painting. I went to Late Night where I met Hillary, Mardy, and Josiah. Then I carved my Buddha figurine some more, learning more of how advanced carving is done. After that I hung up all my prints I bought outside the Union. Then I made another bracelet for the silent auction.

                After taking a shower the next morning I went down to breakfast where I was joined by Josiah. During my Creative Problem-Solving class I remembered how at JCCC we used to have role-playing skits at my autism group to demonstrate the right way to act in the social situations we would encounter in our next week’s activity and gave people a copy of our agenda in each week’s meeting, and realized we ought to do that at UCM. So, after class I went down to the Union and scheduled an appointment with Barbara for next Wednesday at 11:30. After making my appointment, I went down to the Union bookstore and got a new pocket notebook to replace my old full one. Then I got myself a white chocolate blast from Jazzman’s as a reward for all my hard work, and sat down in the Union. After that I rested some more before going down to see a presentation about Mexican revolutionary politics during World War I. I got back and wrote down some more of my ideas and got the idea to compile all my poems into a book to show how I left my comfortable urban life to seek something more in rural Missouri. I went to Late Night and afterwards my granddad called to see how everything was going for me, and I told him all about the past few days and what had gone on then. I realized that this time I have down at Central Missouri is sort of like Thoreau’s experience at Walden Pond, leaving behind the city life for something more and learning to be satisfied with less. Then I went to do my Cinematography quiz. I got back and made another bracelet. 

The next morning I had breakfast with Mardy. Soon after that I went to the tutorial with Dr. Yelton, who told me his suggestions for my paper. I was walking back and ran into Karen Fahrmeier from the THRIVE staff, and went up to say hello. She told me the THRIVE students were putting on a float for the homecoming parade, whose theme this year was a puzzle piece, and thought my group would like to join in. I told her we would and thanked her before leaving her. I also saw Jacob, a friend of mine from South Korea, who I had met last year through my roommate, also from South Korea, while I was waiting for the meeting, and he invited me to come to a birthday barbeque of his with several of his friends and I agreed to do that. I also went on Amazon and ordered several plastic hardware buckles to make paracord bracelets for the silent auction, some rainbow paracord (as the rainbow colors are used often by autistic advocacy groups), and a book called The Golden Hat: Talking Back to Autism by Kate Winslet and a mother of a non-verbal autistic teen who together started the Golden Hat Foundation to provide services so children like her son could thrive. The book had quotes from celebrities who were drawn to the Golden Hat Foundation, poems from the woman’s son describing his life with autism, and the story of the Golden Hat, to whom a great deal of the proceeds from this book went to.

I went to the meeting, led by Anna, and at the end, Shay came up with the idea for a puzzle piece frame with a puzzle piece outside it, symbolizing that the viewer is the missing piece in the world of autism and needs to act. I told her I liked that idea before I left. My mom agreed to pick me up after I got back and the next day I went to Late Night with Sara and a few of her friends, where I learned she went home that weekend as she did every weekend, before they went to a party and I stayed behind as I realized I had an on-line quiz for my Creative Problem-Solving due at midnight that night. The next day I went to Those Were the Days and bought some more post cards to treat myself, before going down to the place outdoors, though partially under a canopy owned by UCM campus, where I met a few of Jacob’s friends, both Korean and Westerner, and enjoyed some delicious strips of marinated barbeque. I also got the idea that “the Autism Spectrum Support Group” might sound a little to dehumanizing for students to say they’re a part of to their friends and I thought “maybe the Autistic Student Union.” I put a pin in that and enjoyed some of Jacob’s delicious rum, afterwards feeling a little tipsy, and then had some of him fine whisky. A friend of his drove me back to the dorm, and we both commented on how he could be a great bartender, with me saying, he ought to combine it with a taxi service agency.

                I got back and met my mom, who understood that I was not up for driving and didn’t question my continual need to pull over to use a bathroom. I got home, feeling remarkably more alert, and called my friend Erin, and we got caught up on each other’s lives.