The next morning I made a braided leather bracelet and
read my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa textbook while I was at breakfast. I also realized I’m doing a lot of good for
the autistic community by providing information on local resources. Then I worked on some bracelets, which will
have some Thich Nhat Hanh quotes, and some necklaces, which will say “UCM,”
made from my leather scraps. I also ate
dinner with Alex, Anna, Amanda, and Kriti, the former of who told me Culture
Night is next Saturday at 6. She also
told me of the Thai iced tea they had down at Siam.
I got back and read that Zen
teaches that any art, whether painting, calligraphy, or tea ceremony, can be an
object of meditation when they are finished. I watched a lot of The Bicycle
Thief and was amazed that I was able to pick up on some of the Italian with
the help of the English subtitles. While
running, I read a lot of the reading for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class and talked to Jacob and Wonyang. When I
got back I told my granddad how I had started growing tired of arts and crafts,
including flute-playing and photography, and would have loved to do something
like archery, or even horse-back riding, one of the eight original
contemplative arts, of it were available in this environment, and he said I had
a lot of talent and needed to take some time for myself. I almost felt as if I had no work this
weekend. I thought while I took a shower
that I could pay my flute outside as few people will be out there in that
weather, and I could use it to lift the spirits of people walking in this
weather, but also that I could do some rock-climbing at the Rec Center, which
could be a meditation on bravery, and I could invite Sinho along, as well as
Hillary and Philip if they’d be willing to brave this weather. I read about a lot of the Tibetan Buddhist
saints in my Lonely Planet books trying to get a perspective on my creative
apathy, and I read that many of them were poets, singers (I play the flute, as
I’m not much of a singer most times), artists, activists, and inventors, and
suddenly I felt more connected to my usual passions, and that somehow, all was
truly wonderful.
The
next morning I figured out more of my travel plans to Tibet. After meditating and showering I ate
breakfast with Autrey. I got back and
collected some sand on my floor from my shoes into one of my Altoids tins. I watched more of The Bicycle Thieves. Then I
had dinner with Connor before getting back to watching finishing the
movie. I also started on my Modern
Sub-Saharan Africa post which I didn’t finish today because it was due for full
credit today at 3, not 12, and it now basically doesn’t matter when I get it in
before the deadline. After running I
finished my Film Appreciation paper. I
also took a shower again to keep myself awake for my meditation journal.
The next day I also ate munch
with Anna, Oscar, Mary, and Levi. Afterwards I saw a link Laci had shared about a fundraiser that was to
something to do with helping people who dealt with a loss, but I hardly could pay
attention in my dazed state of mind and liked it instantly. I realized that she could really be nervous
about her presentation, which I could understand from going on television with
Chris Hernandez. I also took a shower to
keep myself awake for my meditation journal with another shower.
I sorted some more recycling
before going to bed the next morning. Later I also saw Barbara liked my warrior picture, and Jamie liked my
post about Alexis Wineman’s call for acceptance, and that Brittany Pallone from
my high school, and Michael liked my post on the Combat Autism Act. I ate at Siam afterwards and had some
delicious Thai Iced Tea for the first time with my meal. I got back and made another heart-shaped pin
from straws. I worked on my yarn made from
plastic bags while I ran on the treadmill. I got back and I talked to Tyler and wished him a happy birthday, then
to my dad, while I worked made another flower and two more heart-shaped pins
from straws, and my dad told me that if one girl can like Tyler, then so can
another. At Late Night I worked on my
plarn for my bag.
I wrote my thank you note to
Uncle Andy and Aunt Marge, and then read a lot of the reading for my Film
Appreciation class, during which time I decided to check out and watch some of
those films they mention on DharmaFlix and other Buddhist reviews, especially
the comedy ones like American Beauty,
to help figure out my filmmaking style some more. Then I mailed my note before going to the UCM
Autism Spectrum Support Group meeting. There we decided to e-mail agendas to people to get their interest level
up, while Barbara thought of some potential guest speakers such as a man who
started a sports team for people with disabilities, which could cause people in
my group to join and introduce others who might join to my group, and someone
from the speech clinic, while I suggested someone from Trio. I also decided we could send out a Survey
Monkey survey to the THRIVE students about what times would work for them and
what activities they would like, and that I could invite the THRIVE students to
an informal gathering in the Chic Filet area so I could speak to them about the
group, and get together to see a movie at the Union theater with THRIVE
students as well as Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and invite members and potential
members along, and send e-mails out to the heads of groups like the Association
of Student Social Workers and the Psychology Club, to forward to their members
in case they’re interested, and Barbara told me that there’s an organization of
education and special education students. I realized that the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group having eighty
members should really spread a lot of awareness about autism and in a small
town like Warrensburg it could do a lot more, and Barbara suggested we could
open up the group to high school students in Warrensburg. She also liked my idea of me giving prizes to
the THRIVE program for their award ceremonies.
She also said the sorority that helped set up the THRIVE formal may be
willing to help us.
“What sorority was that?” I asked.
“Alpha Sigma Alpha.”
I saw my mom had thanked me for
sending her the petition about the Combat Autism Act and said she would see
what she could do. Then I set up another
meeting for next Wednesday, and e-mailed Sean asking if he could send me all
the papers we used for the JCCC group when he had the chance, though I later
found out I sent it to the wrong address. I worked some more on my yarn while running and when I got back I told
my dad about all the ideas Barbara and I had for the group, and he thought they
were really good. Then at Late Night, I
saw Hillary and Philip, and worked on my yarn.
Again I took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal.
The next morning I had lunch
with Anna and another THRIVE, both of whom saw me and just sat down next to me,
while I read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I also decided to use the wood I found for
wood burning and buy balsa wood, or whatever my dad said is the softest type of
wood preferred by woodcarvers, to carve Buddha and Merlin figurines student, I
did see Laci walking by after class, too far from me for me to greet her,
though she saw me, and indeed there was a touch of fear in her face. Then I got back and worked on my coasters
made from paper plates and Styrofoam, which I decided to just to give one of
away for door prizes. I also talked to
my granddad, who liked all the ideas Barbara and I came up with yesterday. I read more of the reading for my Film
Appreciation class afterwards. Then I
found out I got a ten out of ten on last week’s post for my Modern Sub-Saharan
Africa class. I watched Bartholomew’s Song, and wrote and saved my post for it, though I didn’t yet
post it as the computer wouldn’t let me, and I found out it’s not due for full
credit until Sunday so I didn’t have to take care of it just now. Later that night I talked to my mom who also
liked our ideas for the group before going down to a gas station and getting
some snacks, including two bottled drinks with new caps for my collection,
including, for the sake of collecting, a Monster Energy drink. On my way back I picked up several more
recyclables, and when I got to my dorm I found that, to my surprise, the
Monster Energy drink did not taste so bad, though I didn’t think I would be
drinking it again.
The next morning, before going
to bed, I realized that I really gave Emily a reason to like me when she, Jack,
and I were at a drugs and alcohol talk and the speaker asked us all if we had
ever lost a loved one due to drugs and alcohol, and Emily, who had, started
crying and I caressed her back, and the next morning in class the subject of a
friend of hers who died a long time ago came up, and she started crying, and I
caressed her back again, and she started crying and I caressed her back, and
when Jack’s mom died and she started crying I put my arm around her. I also had a dream where Emily was staying
near me for a while and talked to me in a very romantic voice as though she
hadn’t realized we hadn’t talked for the last few months and wondered if that
meant we were back together if I wanted it to be so, which I wouldn’t have minded
in the dream, though I realized we would still be in a long-distance
relationship. After meditating and
showering, I looked up ‘ex-girlfriend’ in the dream dictionary, and it said it
doesn’t necessarily mean you still have feelings for the girl, but that you’ve
come a long way since the relationship, but you can also perhaps have fond
memories of it, and something about that relationship may be manifesting in a
current relationship. I took my Modern
Sub-Saharan Africa test and I’m most certain I did well on it and may even have
gotten one hundred. Then I saw on Laci’s
Facebook page a fund for the families of two female UCM students in Alpha Sigma
Alpha who had been killed in a car wreck on March 1st, and I realized Laci probably knew them through
Greek interaction, so I posted on her page saying I would attend the vigil on
the 12th, which I read about in the e-mail, and that I was of a mind that she
knew those students and in that case I wanted to offer my condolences as much
and as powerfully as I could, though it’s just not enough, and I shared the
link on my page, wishing much metta to the girls and their loved ones. I somehow thought back strongly to Emily. I also learned I later posted a post about a
vigil for disability advocates who were murdered by their trusted caregivers,
wishing them much metta, which Brittany liked very quickly. I invited several friends to like the
National Council on Independent Living and the Kansas Center for Autism
Research and Training, and Elizabeth accepted my invitation to the first and
Jamie and Britney accepted my invitation to K-CART. Two friends unfriended me perhaps because of
all these invitations, but that was ok as I don’t need them. I ate dinner later with Connor, Mary, and
Paige. I also talked to my granddad
about what I did with Laci and he said I had a way with words and was bound to
show Laci I was thinking of her and the circle of people affected by these
deaths, and it would mean a lot to Laci, and that how I comforted Emily gave
her all the more reason to like me. I
worked on my plarn some more on the treadmill, and when I got back I talked to
my dad, who was sure that my words to Laci would mean a lot to her, who I
suddenly felt so bad for, along with many others. I called my dad again to ask him what was
considered to be the best wood for woodcarving and he said bass, which you
could get on Amazon. I then went down to
Break Time and got a new non-crown bottle cap from my drink there and some Altoids,
and picked up and recycled some recyclables on my way back. I made another heart-shaped pin and three
more flowers from straws. I called my mom
to tell her I was doing well on medication and she said she had some new bottle
caps for me from Hawaii. I took a shower
again to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized that it was kind of
interesting that Emily kept having ways to bring up her friend’s deaths and
cried so many times. Somehow, not as if
these two things were related, I remembered Facebook also told me that Emily
was a mutual friend of Laci’s, perhaps from the Rush Week, where Emily had been
invited to her organization. Something
was going on in my head, yet at the time I seemed to be unable to make heads or
tails of it.
That next morning however I did
not get one second of sleep. I could not
help but think of the girls, Erin Hook and Jennifer Reeder, and the people who
were affected by it, and I knew all too well why. I thought of the parents and how the heard
of this accident with no warning on what seemed like an ordinary day and what
caused it would never change. I cried
unable to help myself, and as I waited for a video on my phone on the deaths to
come up, I simply panicked saying, “Come on!”
As Sinho heard me moaning as if I had been stabbed, he said calmly, “Are
you alright? Are you sick?”
“No, I’m fine, Sinho. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“Ah, no, no, no.”
I also suddenly felt it was
interesting to note that when Emily had cried about the loss of her friends two
years ago while in our Learning Strategies class, and I caressed her back, I
remembered our teacher, Mrs. Carter smiled at me and said, “Ben, it’s ok.” Moreover, I remembered how for one of our
assignments on goal setting, I put “find a girlfriend,” and during the THRIVE meeting
I had with her (something all students did), she mentioned that goal, and
offered as a bit of friendly advice to, “surround myself with friends and when
I least expected it, it would happen,” remarkably similar to what my granddad
had said when he heard Emily and I were dating. I felt better as I ate with Mary, Anna, and Paige, who all planned to go
down to Planet Sub with anyone who would come, and I said I’d come if they’d
like that, and Mary said very serenely that I could come and hang out with them
whenever I wanted. I remembered how
Buddhism teaches that love is the bond that awakens us all from our illusion of
separateness, which is in fact, the source of our suffering. I went down with Oscar and Paige-Mary went
home for that day-and I heard Ryan knew the two girls. I went down to Ryan’s room and gave him my
condolences and offered to go down to the vigil on Wednesday, and he
appreciated it, hugged me, and lent me a shirt for the service. Ryan also said the THRIVE group might meet on
Monday at 7:30 in the Ellis TV Lounge. I
decided I would make those coasters for Aunt Laura over the break and donate a
portion of the money to the scholarship fund created in one of the girl’s
honor, and another portion to the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I also wrote a post on my other blog The Autist Dharma, wishing all the loved
ones of Hook and Reeder my condolences, and then (partly for feeling I had to
reward my viewers for reading a post that was not directly autism or
Buddhism-related, wrote a post evaluating a summit meeting on autism in
November of 2013. It had been my first
two Autist Dharma posts in months,
even if only one was what I intended to do with the blog, and really wanted to
go out and celebrate. I went to the
Culture Night, where one performance that interested me was the Buddhist dance
from Korea, and I videotaped several performances until my camera had no more
memory. I went back to my dorm and went
to sleep without writing in my meditation journal as I was so tired and felt so
bad because I promised to write in here the next day, for my children, and felt
a little annoyed.
The next morning I realized that
you can remember the great times you have with people like those girls without
feeling sorrow, like I do about many things in my life that have come to pass,
and that my thoughtfulness towards the people affected will show I can
appreciate what they feel. I also
realized that I helped quite a few THRIVE students and Horizon students by being
a role model for good social skills, and that I could take more pictures by
getting some on my computer and deleting them on my phone. That day I ate with Antwon and made a lot of
plarn for a belt, but got so frustrated as it could tangled up and I got short
with Sinho as he tried to help and shook the plarn in my anger and the yarn
seemed to whip him in his face.
“Ow, you hit me.”
“Oh, Sinho. I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, feeling guilty, and he looked me straight in the eye and
said, “It’s ok.”
When I ran on the treadmill, I
didn’t even bother sorting the recycling because I was too tired. I did make a lot of progress on the belt,
which I wanted for the vigil so I could have a nice belt, as my current one was
very raggedy.
The next day I did a lot of work
on my belt, and the day after that I got up early to read some reading for my
Early American Literature class and do some laundry. Patty, the kind elderly woman who worked at
the swipe-in counter, saw my belt and inquired. I told her about it and she nodded sympathetically. She also said, “Honey, you’re shaking. You need to eat more.” I heard in my Early American Literature class
a person saying that one of the girls, an elementary education major, made some
kids at the Warrensburg school stop wearing those bracelets that said
“Boobies,” and that there were so many more important things going on. I did not feel upset about how they talked
about Hook. On the contrary, I felt
rather glad for them: I was happy they could be so unaffected, unlike how I
was. I saw on Alpha Sigma Alpha’s Facebook page that Philip liked several
posts about the girls, and saw Hillary had changed her Facebook picture to
those girl’s pictures and knew them. I
felt better thinking of the bottle caps Mom had for me and when I saw some
apple pie in the cafeteria. I went down
to Crazy Dog’s thinking that if I had both apple pie and found another bottle
cap that night, it was a sign that universe wanted me to be happy, and I got
two new bottle caps from a soda and a beer, and would get a new bottle cap from
a different beer the next night. I
didn’t enjoy it like I would have because I saw a girl sitting at a table and
on the back of her shirt it said “Alpha Sigma Alpha,” and I wanted to wish her
my condolences and finish my beer so I could leave afterwards if it wasn’t the
right thing to do. I figured She won’t
enjoy those girls for the rest of her life, so I can give up enjoying beer for
one night, and I said I realized she was from ASA, and after I wished her my condolences,
her face just lit up and she thanked me.
The next day I also finished my
belt. I also got a new bottle cap from a
beer that, this time, I decided to savor at Crazy Dog’s. I sorted some recycling at the Rec Center as
usual. I called Hillary via Ryan’s phone
and we agreed to go down together with Ryan, Philip, and Mardy. I told her about how I had cried over the
loss and she seemed rather surprised, as well as touched by it. She said she had also lost a pet and a
grandparent this semester. I asked
Hillary, “These two girls, did they have boyfriends?”
“Yes,” said Hillary. “And they are just devastated!”
I thought though that the girl’s
significant others would learn to love from this experience in a way that would
enrich any relationship they had in a year from now, which is often how long it
takes to move on. I realized there’s
more to grief than mourning: there’s rediscovering your identity. I realized that I however, have always had
something to give me an identity.
I saw Hillary the next morning
and she agreed with me on the girl’s boyfriends. I also met John as I met with Hillary after
her Trio classes. I realized the
kindness I show the people suffering is contagious, and the kindness I show
people in general is contagious, as is the kindness you show all people about
anything. As I was going down to the UCM
Autism Spectrum Support Group Game Night I saw Laci going in that direction,
and I said, “Hi, how are you?” and she smiled widely, looking me straight in
the eye and said, “Good. How are
you?” She did look kind of shaken as she
looked at me. She walked down to the end
of the hallway where our room was, only to go up the stairs in a direction that
she could have taken on the floor above me.
Tom was at Game Night and I felt
truly myself there, but still very shaken by the girl’s deaths. I went down to Crazy Dog’s and got that other
bottle cap there and had a beer to make up for the one I hadn’t enjoyed the
last night. As I walked back I picked up
some recyclables and a woman at the Campus House saw me doing that there and
called out “Thank you,” to me. Ryan came
to my room and I gave him a brownie from the game night that Barbara had made,
hoping to give one to Hillary, Philip, and Mardy, but Ryan and I ended up
meeting the others at Mardy’s room. At
the vigil I let Ryan and another guy use my candle to light theirs and had my
arm around Hillary and Ryan a lot of the time.
Candle light always seemed to have something moving to it, and I thought
perhaps that was why it has been used for meditation in the Tibetan Buddhist
faith. I teared up when I heard one of
the girl’s friends hear about how the girl’s died when she was expecting to
hang out with them after work in her hometown an hour’s drive away, and how one
of the girl’s was going to be an aunt. Of
all of us, Mardy seemed to be the most composed of the group, though I thought
to myself that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I saw Mckenzie, and went up to her and asked
if she was alright, and she looked me straight in the eye and said she
was. I asked Emily from my Drawing I
class, who teared up in a friend’s arms if she was alright and she said she was
ok. Afterwards, the five of us went down
to New China Buffet together, talking about the girls, and I organized a toast
to them. I also heard Hillary say no one
had heard from Emily and they didn’t even know if she was still alive. I said, “Well I guess Emily was a little
immature.
The next morning I thought of
how the significant others may need a year or so to move on, but even then, in
that time, they may develop fondness and closeness for people around them. That next day I felt much better about the
girls, though still too tired to read that much of the reading for my Early
American Literature class. I realized some
days are just harder than others, and whatever we need to do to grief, we just
need to do. As the day progressed
however, I thought of what Hillary said about Emily and my heart starting
aching and I couldn’t focus on anything else. I had said the night before that she was a typical immature
attention-loving college girl. I wished
I had said she was loyal, selfless, hard-working, brave, polite, and a good
friend. She invited me to everything she
went to, stuck by my whenever I vented my about anything Cassie-related on her
or Jack, always interested in hearing about what was going on with Cassie and
I, and comforted me when it looked bleak, even though she liked me, was at
Jack’s mom’s funeral with me, knew her rights as someone with ADHD in school and
was able to stand up for herself, and was very good with children. Had Emily joined Alpha Omicrom Pi, as she
had been invited to, would they have
given her such a wonderful vigil? I felt
Emily deserved it at least as much as Hook and Reeder. As I entered my World Archaeology class and
sat down, Yelton seemed to have some sympathy to his demeanor that I had not
noticed in him before. I was relieved
anyway to find gotten a ninety-five percent on my test which he handed
back.
I did find out Emily was alive
though and that her grandfather at age seventy-five had died on December 4th. As my mom arrived at UCM, I was relieved to
hear her say, “I guess you’re kind of tired to drive, huh?”
I explained to her that this was
indeed the case, and how the girl’s deaths had affected me. She was shocked, considering I had only met
them once or twice at the THRIVE formals, and said, “As hard as it is, people
do move on.”
I told her about Emily, and after
talking about it for a few minutes, she said, “Ben, I wonder, maybe a girl who
would be best is for you is,” she paused, and continued, “a girl on the
spectrum: someone who understands what you have.”
I sighed. Part of me in fact, still had trouble resisting
that idea. I also thought a great deal
back to Cassie, and thought how strange it was that so many of the things I
loved about her-her socially isolated sort of existence, her often frantic
desire to keep up with all her school demands, her messy hair, her youthful
looks, her incredible singing voice, and her pursuit of a helping
profession-were all things that Tania Marshall, the world’s leading specialist
in girls with Asperger syndrome, mentioned in girls as common traits of
Asperger syndrome. I also knew that had
Cassie been still at UCM, she would have indeed been very comforting and
compassionate towards my grief over these girls.
After I got home I talked to
Erin to plan for us to get together over Spring Break, so we could both give
each other our Christmas and birthday presents we had gotten each other,and
catch up on our lives. She seemed very
friendly after I had told her about the girls and how I broke down in tears
over them. A few minutes later I saw on
my phone a text that said, “Hey.”
“Hey.” I replied. “Who is this?”
“Emily.”
“I’m sorry which Emily? It’s just I know a lot of Emily’s.”
“From THRIVE.”
We started texting back and
forth, as if we had never gone a long period without talking, and eventually I
told her how two girls who we met at the THRIVE formal and with the sorority that
organized it, had died in a car wreck.
“Aww.” She texted. I mentioned to her that I had broken down in tears after hearing about
it, and at the vigil.
“Aww. Im sorry.”
She texted back.
“Thank you.” I texted her.
I guess Emily had not wanted to be
my girlfriend still. That was ok. Part of me believed, hoped, felt, or perhaps
knew that something great appeared to be on its way, even if it ever seemed
unlikely to me, or anyone, that it was in fact a good thing for me.
