Great Losses

The next morning I made a braided leather bracelet and read my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa textbook while I was at breakfast. I also realized I’m doing a lot of good for the autistic community by providing information on local resources. Then I worked on some bracelets, which will have some Thich Nhat Hanh quotes, and some necklaces, which will say “UCM,” made from my leather scraps. I also ate dinner with Alex, Anna, Amanda, and Kriti, the former of who told me Culture Night is next Saturday at 6. She also told me of the Thai iced tea they had down at Siam.

I got back and read that Zen teaches that any art, whether painting, calligraphy, or tea ceremony, can be an object of meditation when they are finished. I watched a lot of The Bicycle Thief and was amazed that I was able to pick up on some of the Italian with the help of the English subtitles.  While running, I read a lot of the reading for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class and talked to Jacob and Wonyang. When I got back I told my granddad how I had started growing tired of arts and crafts, including flute-playing and photography, and would have loved to do something like archery, or even horse-back riding, one of the eight original contemplative arts, of it were available in this environment, and he said I had a lot of talent and needed to take some time for myself. I almost felt as if I had no work this weekend. I thought while I took a shower that I could pay my flute outside as few people will be out there in that weather, and I could use it to lift the spirits of people walking in this weather, but also that I could do some rock-climbing at the Rec Center, which could be a meditation on bravery, and I could invite Sinho along, as well as Hillary and Philip if they’d be willing to brave this weather. I read about a lot of the Tibetan Buddhist saints in my Lonely Planet books trying to get a perspective on my creative apathy, and I read that many of them were poets, singers (I play the flute, as I’m not much of a singer most times), artists, activists, and inventors, and suddenly I felt more connected to my usual passions, and that somehow, all was truly wonderful.

                The next morning I figured out more of my travel plans to Tibet. After meditating and showering I ate breakfast with Autrey. I got back and collected some sand on my floor from my shoes into one of my Altoids tins. I watched more of The Bicycle Thieves. Then I had dinner with Connor before getting back to watching finishing the movie. I also started on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa post which I didn’t finish today because it was due for full credit today at 3, not 12, and it now basically doesn’t matter when I get it in before the deadline. After running I finished my Film Appreciation paper. I also took a shower again to keep myself awake for my meditation journal. 

    

The next day I also ate munch with Anna, Oscar, Mary, and Levi. Afterwards I saw a link Laci had shared about a fundraiser that was to something to do with helping people who dealt with a loss, but I hardly could pay attention in my dazed state of mind and liked it instantly. I realized that she could really be nervous about her presentation, which I could understand from going on television with Chris Hernandez. I also took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal with another shower. 

I sorted some more recycling before going to bed the next morning. Later I also saw Barbara liked my warrior picture, and Jamie liked my post about Alexis Wineman’s call for acceptance, and that Brittany Pallone from my high school, and Michael liked my post on the Combat Autism Act. I ate at Siam afterwards and had some delicious Thai Iced Tea for the first time with my meal. I got back and made another heart-shaped pin from straws. I worked on my yarn made from plastic bags while I ran on the treadmill. I got back and I talked to Tyler and wished him a happy birthday, then to my dad, while I worked made another flower and two more heart-shaped pins from straws, and my dad told me that if one girl can like Tyler, then so can another. At Late Night I worked on my plarn for my bag.

I wrote my thank you note to Uncle Andy and Aunt Marge, and then read a lot of the reading for my Film Appreciation class, during which time I decided to check out and watch some of those films they mention on DharmaFlix and other Buddhist reviews, especially the comedy ones like American Beauty, to help figure out my filmmaking style some more. Then I mailed my note before going to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group meeting. There we decided to e-mail agendas to people to get their interest level up, while Barbara thought of some potential guest speakers such as a man who started a sports team for people with disabilities, which could cause people in my group to join and introduce others who might join to my group, and someone from the speech clinic, while I suggested someone from Trio. I also decided we could send out a Survey Monkey survey to the THRIVE students about what times would work for them and what activities they would like, and that I could invite the THRIVE students to an informal gathering in the Chic Filet area so I could speak to them about the group, and get together to see a movie at the Union theater with THRIVE students as well as Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and invite members and potential members along, and send e-mails out to the heads of groups like the Association of Student Social Workers and the Psychology Club, to forward to their members in case they’re interested, and Barbara told me that there’s an organization of education and special education students. I realized that the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group having eighty members should really spread a lot of awareness about autism and in a small town like Warrensburg it could do a lot more, and Barbara suggested we could open up the group to high school students in Warrensburg. She also liked my idea of me giving prizes to the THRIVE program for their award ceremonies.  She also said the sorority that helped set up the THRIVE formal may be willing to help us.

“What sorority was that?” I asked.

“Alpha Sigma Alpha.”

I saw my mom had thanked me for sending her the petition about the Combat Autism Act and said she would see what she could do. Then I set up another meeting for next Wednesday, and e-mailed Sean asking if he could send me all the papers we used for the JCCC group when he had the chance, though I later found out I sent it to the wrong address. I worked some more on my yarn while running and when I got back I told my dad about all the ideas Barbara and I had for the group, and he thought they were really good. Then at Late Night, I saw Hillary and Philip, and worked on my yarn.  Again I took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal.

The next morning I had lunch with Anna and another THRIVE, both of whom saw me and just sat down next to me, while I read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I also decided to use the wood I found for wood burning and buy balsa wood, or whatever my dad said is the softest type of wood preferred by woodcarvers, to carve Buddha and Merlin figurines student, I did see Laci walking by after class, too far from me for me to greet her, though she saw me, and indeed there was a touch of fear in her face. Then I got back and worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam, which I decided to just to give one of away for door prizes. I also talked to my granddad, who liked all the ideas Barbara and I came up with yesterday. I read more of the reading for my Film Appreciation class afterwards. Then I found out I got a ten out of ten on last week’s post for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. I watched Bartholomew’s Song, and wrote and saved my post for it, though I didn’t yet post it as the computer wouldn’t let me, and I found out it’s not due for full credit until Sunday so I didn’t have to take care of it just now. Later that night I talked to my mom who also liked our ideas for the group before going down to a gas station and getting some snacks, including two bottled drinks with new caps for my collection, including, for the sake of collecting, a Monster Energy drink. On my way back I picked up several more recyclables, and when I got to my dorm I found that, to my surprise, the Monster Energy drink did not taste so bad, though I didn’t think I would be drinking it again. 

The next morning, before going to bed, I realized that I really gave Emily a reason to like me when she, Jack, and I were at a drugs and alcohol talk and the speaker asked us all if we had ever lost a loved one due to drugs and alcohol, and Emily, who had, started crying and I caressed her back, and the next morning in class the subject of a friend of hers who died a long time ago came up, and she started crying, and I caressed her back again, and she started crying and I caressed her back, and when Jack’s mom died and she started crying I put my arm around her. I also had a dream where Emily was staying near me for a while and talked to me in a very romantic voice as though she hadn’t realized we hadn’t talked for the last few months and wondered if that meant we were back together if I wanted it to be so, which I wouldn’t have minded in the dream, though I realized we would still be in a long-distance relationship. After meditating and showering, I looked up ‘ex-girlfriend’ in the dream dictionary, and it said it doesn’t necessarily mean you still have feelings for the girl, but that you’ve come a long way since the relationship, but you can also perhaps have fond memories of it, and something about that relationship may be manifesting in a current relationship. I took my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa test and I’m most certain I did well on it and may even have gotten one hundred.  Then I saw on Laci’s Facebook page a fund for the families of two female UCM students in Alpha Sigma Alpha who had been killed in a car wreck on March 1^st, and I realized Laci probably knew them through Greek interaction, so I posted on her page saying I would attend the vigil on the 12th, which I read about in the e-mail, and that I was of a mind that she knew those students and in that case I wanted to offer my condolences as much and as powerfully as I could, though it’s just not enough, and I shared the link on my page, wishing much metta to the girls and their loved ones. I somehow thought back strongly to Emily. I also learned I later posted a post about a vigil for disability advocates who were murdered by their trusted caregivers, wishing them much metta, which Brittany liked very quickly.  I invited several friends to like the National Council on Independent Living and the Kansas Center for Autism Research and Training, and Elizabeth accepted my invitation to the first and Jamie and Britney accepted my invitation to K-CART.  Two friends unfriended me perhaps because of all these invitations, but that was ok as I don’t need them. I ate dinner later with Connor, Mary, and Paige.  I also talked to my granddad about what I did with Laci and he said I had a way with words and was bound to show Laci I was thinking of her and the circle of people affected by these deaths, and it would mean a lot to Laci, and that how I comforted Emily gave her all the more reason to like me.  I worked on my plarn some more on the treadmill, and when I got back I talked to my dad, who was sure that my words to Laci would mean a lot to her, who I suddenly felt so bad for, along with many others.  I called my dad again to ask him what was considered to be the best wood for woodcarving and he said bass, which you could get on Amazon. I then went down to Break Time and got a new non-crown bottle cap from my drink there and some Altoids, and picked up and recycled some recyclables on my way back. I made another heart-shaped pin and three more flowers from straws. I called my mom to tell her I was doing well on medication and she said she had some new bottle caps for me from Hawaii. I took a shower again to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized that it was kind of interesting that Emily kept having ways to bring up her friend’s deaths and cried so many times. Somehow, not as if these two things were related, I remembered Facebook also told me that Emily was a mutual friend of Laci’s, perhaps from the Rush Week, where Emily had been invited to her organization. Something was going on in my head, yet at the time I seemed to be unable to make heads or tails of it. 

That next morning however I did not get one second of sleep. I could not help but think of the girls, Erin Hook and Jennifer Reeder, and the people who were affected by it, and I knew all too well why. I thought of the parents and how the heard of this accident with no warning on what seemed like an ordinary day and what caused it would never change. I cried unable to help myself, and as I waited for a video on my phone on the deaths to come up, I simply panicked saying, “Come on!”  As Sinho heard me moaning as if I had been stabbed, he said calmly, “Are you alright? Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine, Sinho. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Ah, no, no, no.”

I also suddenly felt it was interesting to note that when Emily had cried about the loss of her friends two years ago while in our Learning Strategies class, and I caressed her back, I remembered our teacher, Mrs. Carter smiled at me and said, “Ben, it’s ok.” Moreover, I remembered how for one of our assignments on goal setting, I put “find a girlfriend,” and during the THRIVE meeting I had with her (something all students did), she mentioned that goal, and offered as a bit of friendly advice to, “surround myself with friends and when I least expected it, it would happen,” remarkably similar to what my granddad had said when he heard Emily and I were dating. I felt better as I ate with Mary, Anna, and Paige, who all planned to go down to Planet Sub with anyone who would come, and I said I’d come if they’d like that, and Mary said very serenely that I could come and hang out with them whenever I wanted. I remembered how Buddhism teaches that love is the bond that awakens us all from our illusion of separateness, which is in fact, the source of our suffering. I went down with Oscar and Paige-Mary went home for that day-and I heard Ryan knew the two girls. I went down to Ryan’s room and gave him my condolences and offered to go down to the vigil on Wednesday, and he appreciated it, hugged me, and lent me a shirt for the service. Ryan also said the THRIVE group might meet on Monday at 7:30 in the Ellis TV Lounge. I decided I would make those coasters for Aunt Laura over the break and donate a portion of the money to the scholarship fund created in one of the girl’s honor, and another portion to the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I also wrote a post on my other blog The Autist Dharma, wishing all the loved ones of Hook and Reeder my condolences, and then (partly for feeling I had to reward my viewers for reading a post that was not directly autism or Buddhism-related, wrote a post evaluating a summit meeting on autism in November of 2013. It had been my first two Autist Dharma posts in months, even if only one was what I intended to do with the blog, and really wanted to go out and celebrate. I went to the Culture Night, where one performance that interested me was the Buddhist dance from Korea, and I videotaped several performances until my camera had no more memory. I went back to my dorm and went to sleep without writing in my meditation journal as I was so tired and felt so bad because I promised to write in here the next day, for my children, and felt a little annoyed.  

The next morning I realized that you can remember the great times you have with people like those girls without feeling sorrow, like I do about many things in my life that have come to pass, and that my thoughtfulness towards the people affected will show I can appreciate what they feel. I also realized that I helped quite a few THRIVE students and Horizon students by being a role model for good social skills, and that I could take more pictures by getting some on my computer and deleting them on my phone. That day I ate with Antwon and made a lot of plarn for a belt, but got so frustrated as it could tangled up and I got short with Sinho as he tried to help and shook the plarn in my anger and the yarn seemed to whip him in his face.

“Ow, you hit me.”

“Oh, Sinho. I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, feeling guilty, and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “It’s ok.”

When I ran on the treadmill, I didn’t even bother sorting the recycling because I was too tired. I did make a lot of progress on the belt, which I wanted for the vigil so I could have a nice belt, as my current one was very raggedy. 

 

The next day I did a lot of work on my belt, and the day after that I got up early to read some reading for my Early American Literature class and do some laundry. Patty, the kind elderly woman who worked at the swipe-in counter, saw my belt and inquired. I told her about it and she nodded sympathetically. She also said, “Honey, you’re shaking. You need to eat more.” I heard in my Early American Literature class a person saying that one of the girls, an elementary education major, made some kids at the Warrensburg school stop wearing those bracelets that said “Boobies,” and that there were so many more important things going on. I did not feel upset about how they talked about Hook. On the contrary, I felt rather glad for them: I was happy they could be so unaffected, unlike how I was. I saw on Alpha Sigma Alpha’s Facebook page that Philip liked several posts about the girls, and saw Hillary had changed her Facebook picture to those girl’s pictures and knew them. I felt better thinking of the bottle caps Mom had for me and when I saw some apple pie in the cafeteria. I went down to Crazy Dog’s thinking that if I had both apple pie and found another bottle cap that night, it was a sign that universe wanted me to be happy, and I got two new bottle caps from a soda and a beer, and would get a new bottle cap from a different beer the next night. I didn’t enjoy it like I would have because I saw a girl sitting at a table and on the back of her shirt it said “Alpha Sigma Alpha,” and I wanted to wish her my condolences and finish my beer so I could leave afterwards if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I figured She won’t enjoy those girls for the rest of her life, so I can give up enjoying beer for one night, and I said I realized she was from ASA, and after I wished her my condolences, her face just lit up and she thanked me. 

The next day I also finished my belt. I also got a new bottle cap from a beer that, this time, I decided to savor at Crazy Dog’s. I sorted some recycling at the Rec Center as usual. I called Hillary via Ryan’s phone and we agreed to go down together with Ryan, Philip, and Mardy. I told her about how I had cried over the loss and she seemed rather surprised, as well as touched by it. She said she had also lost a pet and a grandparent this semester.  I asked Hillary, “These two girls, did they have boyfriends?”

“Yes,” said Hillary.  “And they are just devastated!”

I thought though that the girl’s significant others would learn to love from this experience in a way that would enrich any relationship they had in a year from now, which is often how long it takes to move on. I realized there’s more to grief than mourning: there’s rediscovering your identity. I realized that I however, have always had something to give me an identity. 

I saw Hillary the next morning and she agreed with me on the girl’s boyfriends. I also met John as I met with Hillary after her Trio classes. I realized the kindness I show the people suffering is contagious, and the kindness I show people in general is contagious, as is the kindness you show all people about anything. As I was going down to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group Game Night I saw Laci going in that direction, and I said, “Hi, how are you?” and she smiled widely, looking me straight in the eye and said, “Good. How are you?” She did look kind of shaken as she looked at me.  She walked down to the end of the hallway where our room was, only to go up the stairs in a direction that she could have taken on the floor above me.

Tom was at Game Night and I felt truly myself there, but still very shaken by the girl’s deaths. I went down to Crazy Dog’s and got that other bottle cap there and had a beer to make up for the one I hadn’t enjoyed the last night. As I walked back I picked up some recyclables and a woman at the Campus House saw me doing that there and called out “Thank you,” to me. Ryan came to my room and I gave him a brownie from the game night that Barbara had made, hoping to give one to Hillary, Philip, and Mardy, but Ryan and I ended up meeting the others at Mardy’s room. At the vigil I let Ryan and another guy use my candle to light theirs and had my arm around Hillary and Ryan a lot of the time.  Candle light always seemed to have something moving to it, and I thought perhaps that was why it has been used for meditation in the Tibetan Buddhist faith. I teared up when I heard one of the girl’s friends hear about how the girl’s died when she was expecting to hang out with them after work in her hometown an hour’s drive away, and how one of the girl’s was going to be an aunt. Of all of us, Mardy seemed to be the most composed of the group, though I thought to myself that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I saw Mckenzie, and went up to her and asked if she was alright, and she looked me straight in the eye and said she was.  I asked Emily from my Drawing I class, who teared up in a friend’s arms if she was alright and she said she was ok. Afterwards, the five of us went down to New China Buffet together, talking about the girls, and I organized a toast to them. I also heard Hillary say no one had heard from Emily and they didn’t even know if she was still alive. I said, “Well I guess Emily was a little immature.

The next morning I thought of how the significant others may need a year or so to move on, but even then, in that time, they may develop fondness and closeness for people around them. That next day I felt much better about the girls, though still too tired to read that much of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I realized some days are just harder than others, and whatever we need to do to grief, we just need to do. As the day progressed however, I thought of what Hillary said about Emily and my heart starting aching and I couldn’t focus on anything else. I had said the night before that she was a typical immature attention-loving college girl. I wished I had said she was loyal, selfless, hard-working, brave, polite, and a good friend. She invited me to everything she went to, stuck by my whenever I vented my about anything Cassie-related on her or Jack, always interested in hearing about what was going on with Cassie and I, and comforted me when it looked bleak, even though she liked me, was at Jack’s mom’s funeral with me, knew her rights as someone with ADHD in school and was able to stand up for herself, and was very good with children. Had Emily joined Alpha Omicrom Pi, as she had been invited to, would they have given her such a wonderful vigil? I felt Emily deserved it at least as much as Hook and Reeder. As I entered my World Archaeology class and sat down, Yelton seemed to have some sympathy to his demeanor that I had not noticed in him before. I was relieved anyway to find gotten a ninety-five percent on my test which he handed back. 

I did find out Emily was alive though and that her grandfather at age seventy-five had died on December 4^th. As my mom arrived at UCM, I was relieved to hear her say, “I guess you’re kind of tired to drive, huh?” 

I explained to her that this was indeed the case, and how the girl’s deaths had affected me.  She was shocked, considering I had only met them once or twice at the THRIVE formals, and said, “As hard as it is, people do move on.” 

I told her about Emily, and after talking about it for a few minutes, she said, “Ben, I wonder, maybe a girl who would be best is for you is,” she paused, and continued, “a girl on the spectrum: someone who understands what you have.” 

I sighed. Part of me in fact, still had trouble resisting that idea. I also thought a great deal back to Cassie, and thought how strange it was that so many of the things I loved about her-her socially isolated sort of existence, her often frantic desire to keep up with all her school demands, her messy hair, her youthful looks, her incredible singing voice, and her pursuit of a helping profession-were all things that Tania Marshall, the world’s leading specialist in girls with Asperger syndrome, mentioned in girls as common traits of Asperger syndrome. I also knew that had Cassie been still at UCM, she would have indeed been very comforting and compassionate towards my grief over these girls. 

After I got home I talked to Erin to plan for us to get together over Spring Break, so we could both give each other our Christmas and birthday presents we had gotten each other,and catch up on our lives. She seemed very friendly after I had told her about the girls and how I broke down in tears over them. A few minutes later I saw on my phone a text that said, “Hey.”

“Hey.” I replied. “Who is this?”

“Emily.”

“I’m sorry which Emily?  It’s just I know a lot of Emily’s.”

“From THRIVE.”

We started texting back and forth, as if we had never gone a long period without talking, and eventually I told her how two girls who we met at the THRIVE formal and with the sorority that organized it, had died in a car wreck.

“Aww.” She texted. I mentioned to her that I had broken down in tears after hearing about it, and at the vigil.

“Aww.  Im sorry.”  She texted back.

“Thank you.” I texted her. 

I guess Emily had not wanted to be my girlfriend still. That was ok. Part of me believed, hoped, felt, or perhaps knew that something great appeared to be on its way, even if it ever seemed unlikely to me, or anyone, that it was in fact a good thing for me.