A Week of New Identity

Later, after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM.

I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to my dad and granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before, sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in ‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other posters.

The next morning, I went down to the Union and set up the poster. Then I worked on our presentation for my Creative Problem-Solving class. After that I went to my Anthropology of Food class where I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. I also got out I realized that maybe at ASPO we could have an on-line conversation where members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others can see that others in their circle might be autistic. Then I got a new Susan B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger building. After that I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our presentation. I also got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room, and he asked about my poster on my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.

I made some more plarn at dinner. Then I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to my granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II homework.

The next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto Facebook. I also shared an article on ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate, and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner with some people from my hall. After that I worked on my yarn painting some more. 

While I ran, I saw Teigan had messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great friend for doing that. I also asked her that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and she responded with a smiley face. I realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group, not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a true family. I got back and wrote a few poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to feel important. Then I wrote a few more poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:

Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
 

               That night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but from themselves and then realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.

            I got back and made some more plarn at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I got back to my dorm and went down to Late Night where I started knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12 o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his, who happened to be Chinese too. He also invited me to go fishing with him and Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Dr. Mayfield. Soon after that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said he did really good.

            I had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk around UCM. I walked by the fraternity house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO; then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St. Louis. As I crossed the street heading back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl; then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café.  Then I went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a puzzle and three belts. I got back and started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched the baseball game. Then we went to eat Mexican food in the town. We got back and watched the game some more. Then we went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.

                The next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to my granddad, who I learned had just gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and he was very sympathetic. I also undid my original attempt at crocheting plarn. I saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding, and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I also sat with him and Josh. Afterwards, including some of the time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out how to crochet, and finally got it.

                On Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara, Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked more on my plarn belt and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth-floor lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented me on it. I got back and worked on my belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her journal entries. Then I worked on my belt some more.

                The next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my crochet belt. After my last class, Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds while I crocheted some more. Then I worked on my belt and crocheted some more.

                On my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.” I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy, much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies, rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”

                Not promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”

                As I left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I should be there to show the right way for. I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that could be true.

I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward my hard work. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices and some small Altoids. Also, that night, Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of North Ellis.

That night I dreamt that another girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two girls. Sara also joined us, and as we sat, I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were doing for Hook and Reeder. I went downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look like the things on pinball machines. At the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of Associations.

                I got out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold to. And in the dream, when I realized every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream, indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet last year. I realized one thing: that the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture, upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.

As I took a shower, I remembered what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone experienced it the same. Accepting oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the public school system. 

                As I walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know.  Just some guy.” 

                After that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine. 

                The next morning, I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went to that class where I learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their lands. After that class I read a little bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me, and I talked to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this weekend.

                After my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so long. The feeling was only for four hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period, wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy.  I felt significantly better after class got out, and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief, albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and many autistics still feel. After Late Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting sequences. I realized that before I left Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism was not a part of. The next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it relates to the work of Temple Grandin.

                The next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday party, I saw a grasshopper and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American, and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to Hasting’s with me sometime. 

                The next morning, I sat with Amanda and Paige. I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from plarn. After that I wrote my paper for my Anthropology of Food class. I got back and worked on my belt some more and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism community. I got back and talked to my granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked more on my belt. I got back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.

                On the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my Cinematography class. The day after that Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous right then. After that I e-mailed Sean about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference and then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge and realized that much like music is for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including some art majors. At the table I still got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers, Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.

The next morning, I found my blinds had been fixed. Later, while I sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in and seemed very happy to see me. Mom texted me asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after class. Later on, I ate dinner with Josiah and Josh. I also worked more on my two belts and my toilet paper roll wall art and got a new bottle cap from my new beers that I got recently. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. I also called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center today. After that I went down to Late Night where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food (or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of those places. After that I finished the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.

The next day after my Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After I got out of class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom. 

I got home and saw that my mom had left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with my mom, who during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple Grandin.” The thought seemed almost overwhelming to me.

After dinner, I told my mom one thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to start all over the country. My mom said, “Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to replicate.”

After that I talked to Erin and my granddad. I also made some more plarn and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Coming Out of the Autism Closet

The day after I got back to school, I went with Hillary to Hasting’s, where I got the book Tanaina Tales of Alaska about stories from the native Tanaina people of Alaska. I felt tired that night, feeling, more than ever, like I had aged from years of trying to advocate for autism. The next day after class was out, I went on the page through Facebook for the event Tell Dr. Phil and the Media that Issy Stapleton is the VICTIM, about a severely autistic girl Issy Stapleton, whose mother Kelli tried to murder her, rationalizing it by saying there “weren’t enough services” for her daughter. To try and get Dr. Phil not to sympathize with Kelli, I wrote:

Honoring a woman for trying to murder her autistic daughter is tantamount to genocide. If a woman was honored for trying to murder her gay son, what would that say about our attitudes towards homosexuals. Yes, autistics do suffer from discrimination, but murder is not the way families show sympathy for groups and individuals whose rights and dignity they respect. If we care about the crisis of autism discrimination, we need to raise attention to the issue without devaluing autistic lives. Issy's mother does not represent any mother or parent of an autistic child that I know, including autistics who you would call mild and severe. Let's not liken them to murderers, but show their sacrifice and courage to give their children the best life under the best and worst of circumstances, and in doing so let us give support to the millions of parents with autistic children facing the daunting task of nurturing them under discrimination and create a better, more hopeful world for autistics and their caregivers.

I also filled out the paperwork to reserve a room in the Union for the group, which I decided to call the Autistic Student and Peer Organization. That night I went to bed, so tired, feeling, more than ever, like I had aged from years of trying to advocate for autism, and wondering how I would find myself able to keep up with all my school work let alone the UCM autism group. The next day I went to my meeting with Barbara. I told her that I thought we needed to change the name of the Autism Spectrum Support Group to something different; something that made it sound less like the students in it were going there for help. She liked that idea. She also recommended we replace the old displays about autism in the OAS’s display case, and she said that there was a THRIVE student interning at the Muleskinner, who may be willing to interview us about the group, which would be an ideal way to put out that we are looking for peer mentors. 

I got back and saw Sara as I was going to return my books to the library. I then went to the library and returned my books, which were due that day. I got back and read more of my book for my American Renaissance class. On my way back, feeling that I did not have the time or the energy to walk down to the sheltered workshop to recycle my bottles, I called Hillary to ask her for a ride down there. She said she was unable to because she had an event to go to but said that Philip could give me a ride. I went upstairs and made another bracelet and started on another one. Then Philip drove me down to the sheltered workshop where I recycled my glass and his recyclables, found three more bottle caps for my collection, and collected his things to repurpose. I got back and Josiah gave me his receipts. I saw Sara coming back and forth and she smiled and blushed as she saw me, while I made another coaster for the silent auction and finished the one I started on. After that I finished the bracelet I started on earlier. 

I saw Sara going down to dinner and I went with her. She held the door open for me on the way down and I told her how I was making a bracelet every day until November. She asked me what that was for, and I told her it was for a silent auction for a group I was a part of. She asked me what group that was, and I said it was the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. She said, “That’s cool.”

As we went into the dining hall, she told me where she was going to sit. After I sat down, she sat down with me. I learned then that she wasn’t on Facebook and that she loves The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies. After we left, she told me she’s watched all The Lord of the Rings extended versions back-to-back taking over nine hours. As I got up, she held the door open for me again. About half an hour after that, I noticed the feeling of having aged that I was so accustomed to had lessened significantly.

Later I made another paracord bracelet to sell for the silent auction. Soon after that I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that it was a good idea to change the name of the UCM group. After that I worked on my final copy for my paper for my American Renaissance class. Then I went to Late Night with Hillary and Philip. After that we went down to Break Time and bought a twenty-pack of beer, for which Philip gave me the receipt for. I also got a paracord bracelet, which had a unique pattern that I thought I could do myself.  We got back and hung out with Hillary’s and Philip’s friends Tay and Kelsey. 

The next day I sat with Blair at breakfast, before finishing the final revisions for my Anthropology of Food class. After that class, I sat with Jade at lunch while enjoying a delicious spicy chicken burrito. Then I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. During that class, we talked about our author Fuller’s view of having children, a mother saying how her son has Asperger syndrome and learned to read encyclopedias at nine years old, and despite being neglected by the school system and having his rights infringed upon is no in his second semester of college. I thought about the idea that girls can’t be autistic because they don’t stick out, and I realized that point of view is not only misogynistic, but is also based on a strong belief in autistic stereotypes (girls being quiet, not flapping their arms, etc.)

After my last class, I went down to Those Were the Days and got eleven more postcards, thinking longingly of all of them being framed in groups and individually next to each other in my future home. Then I went to Hasting’s and saw that the seven military classics of Ancient China were heavily based on Taoist principles, and emphasized speed, stealth, flexibility, and a minimum of force, in contrast to the modern Western military strategies. I got The Seven Military Strategies of Ancient China as well as Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West and Minecraft Essential Survival Guide, perhaps to help someday set up Minecraft activities in school, as the organization the Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism had suggested as a way to help school’s extracurricular activities be inclusive of autistic people. After that I ate dinner at King’s Chef Buffet. I got back and made another bracelet.

I went down to the Alcohol Trivia night and got several free things afterwards, which everyone, winners and losers (our team lost) got. Then I made another paracord bracelet. After that I talked to Dad and Granddad. Then I went down to Late Night. I soon felt too tired to really be able to help Hillary with her English Composition I homework, and then I saw her, and she said she was too tired to work on it too, so we agreed to do it next week. After that I sorted a lot of recycling on campus. I got back and saw a lot of Saving Silverman with Mardy, who was watching it on his computer, and I was reminded of how much I loved that movie, and the part where Neil Diamond plays one of his songs on his guitar at the end to get a couple back together reminded me of the power poets and songwriters have on the minds of people, not just generators of words.  

The next morning, I sat in the dining hall with Paige, Levi, Allyssa, a new THRIVE student who I meet, Anna, and Blair, who decided to sit next to me. Then I looked at my UCM e-mail account, but for some reason did not see any e-mail about the meeting plans for ASPO. I did get an e-mail from my Creative Problem-Solving teacher though saying I had left my notebook behind in class and could come by her office before five to pick it up. I also learned about haigu, paintings Japanese haiku poets used to make based off their haiku and decided to make some yarn paintings based off mine for the silent auction. Later I made three more paracord bracelets. I then went down to the bank and got some quarters to do laundry. After that I got my notebook that I had left behind in my Creative Problem-Solving class. I got back and did a food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class.  Then I made another bracelet.  After that I made some more plarn for a belt for the silent auction. I later went down to the treadmill and started making another friendship bracelet and kept working on it when I got back to my dorm. I also realized that the screen on my phone won’t come on, due to a crack in it from a year earlier, and I need to go down to the Verizon store to get it fixed.

I had brunch with Paige, Amanda, a new THRIVE student who I met, and Haley, a blind student who I’ve seen around campus but never really talked to, while I worked on my bracelet from last night. Afterwards I worked on it some more. Then I went down to the Verizon store, where I called Mom and Dave, and left them a message about my phone situation. They told me at the store, however, that they wouldn’t be able to fix my phone, and the only place that could do that was the computer store in Warrensburg, which was closed on weekends. On my way back I picked up several more recyclables.

I got back and took out my recycling. Then I went to Those Were the Days and got some more embroidery floss.  I picked up and recycled some more recyclables on the way back. After that I worked on my bracelet some more.  I worked on it a bit at dinner, during which time I saw Kelsey, the THRIVE mentor, who told me they’d let me know when the THRIVE students will be working on the float and that they are using Mr. B’s trailer. She also liked the bracelet I was making. After that I borrowed Josh’s phone and talked to Mom, who said they ordered me a new phone thinking it was time for an upgrade anyway, which I could pick up the next day at the Verizon store. I worked on my bracelet some more after that. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while making some more plarn for my belt for the silent auction. I got back and did my laundry while I worked on my bracelet some more, remembering how Mom always was glad there was the autistic community, so I would never feel alone. I also made another bracelet while I realized that if I did date an autistic girl, I might be able to appreciate her for her unique traits as a lover more than other guys would be able to do.

The next day I ate with Anna and Amanda while I worked on my bracelet. I got back to my dorm and worked on my bracelet some more. Then I went down to the Verizon store where I found out I had an order in my account, which would be completed by tonight, but until that time, they would not be able to give me my phone, which Mom explained via their work phone was because they ordered more gigabytes for all our phones. On my way back a car pulled up and the driver, a dark-haired female, called my name from the window. It was April, and she offered to give me a ride to wherever I needed to go. On the way back I told her a little bit about my arts and crafts and she how her brother made crafts for Boy Scouts, which they sold, and she shared with me some donuts, which she said she has because she works at a donut shop, and I enjoyed a delicious glaze donut and a banana-filled chocolate sprinkled donut. I got back and recycled some stuff I found along the way back. 

I went down to the dining hall, joined by April along the way, and learned she takes classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as she also works in Warrensburg. I also remembered that one thing ASAN does is help college students start campus organizations for autistic students. Then I went down to the library and found several books on Amos Bronson Alcott for my American Renaissance class. I picked them out and then started doing my paper. After that I checked out all those books. I got back and went to dinner, where I saw April sitting with a guy from school and joined them. I learned the man was Alex from my Anthropology of Food class, after he asked me how I enjoyed that class, and we enjoyed talking about classes, and I learned that April had Dr. Yelton for an Intro. to Anthropology class.

I got back to my dorm and made another bracelet. Then I continued working on the one I had been working on for the last two days. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn for my belt. I got back and finished making the bracelet I had been working on for the last two days and it looked great.  I also made some more plarn for my belt, while I realized that if my group gets going, I can be a resource for ASAN-KC and all of ASAN to help autistic college students start groups like mine at universities, and that if we educate individual Alpha Xi Delta chapter leaders on Autism Speaks, we can increase the likelihood that the issue will be brought up to the National Council. I also realized that the things we ASAN members make for the silent auction, like the stuff I make, will show the public how committed we ASAN members are to our cause when they see the hard work we’re willing to put into to them.

On Monday I went down to the Verizon store and got my new phone and the protection case.  On my way back I ran into Kriti and she gave me a ride. I got back and read the reading for my Cinematography class. I went to that class where I got ten out of ten on the quiz. Then I just starting feeling frustrated about my struggles to write a good haiku. After class I talked to Erin. I got back and heard Mardy say a guy named Alex was looking for me asking about homework, and I realized it must have been the guy from my Anthropology of Food class. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while reading more of The Art of War. Then I saw Alex at Late Night and he asked if there was any homework due tomorrow, which I told him there wasn’t. I also read down there on my phone that a good haiku commented on something from ones daily life and who it related to life itself. 

I went down to Break Time and got some Doritos, and on my way back I thought about the goose I saw running in the streets of Warrensburg at night, and it reminded me of the saying “Not all who wander are lost.” And that spoke very true to me, like having love interests who are selfish and egotistical and ends up being like a siren to Greek mariners rather than a companion, but we find our way out, just like the goose managed to survive in the city with its cars and traffic. And in the same way, I am like the goose being an autistic in a neurotypical-dominated world. I remembered to that a few yards away, a flock of geese were quacking, as if they missed their member who was missing. Perhaps, I thought remembering how Teigan said they had tried to get me involved with ASAN-KC for a long time, I was the lost goose, and the others were ASAN-KC. Then I thought that goose would make a wonderful subject for a haiku. When I got back Hillary suggested we work on the journal entries another night this week, which was a relief to me. Soon after that I posted on Facebook the news about me good quiz results, to show life as an autistic in college. I also did write a haiku going:

A lone goose

wanders through the streets

in an urban environment.

Not exactly the traditional haiku structure, but oh well.

The next morning, I had breakfast with April. Then I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After class I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class, while I sat with Josiah. After my Creative Problem-Solving class I got myself a white chocolate blast at Jazzman’s as a reward for all my hard work. I also saw on Facebook that I had gotten a message from a woman named Katie Lindgren, who told me she was a literature teacher at Horizon Academy, and that my former teacher of mine, her colleague, Vicki Asher, referred her to me, saying I had started an autism group at Johnson County Community College. She and her class had just finished reading John Elder Robison’s book Look Me in the Eye about his life with Asperger syndrome, and they really connected to it. They also wanted someone to come talk to them about opportunities out there for adults with autism and wanted to know if I were able to come speak to her class about my transition from Horizon to adulthood. Realizing I don’t have classes on Fridays, I messaged her back saying I could speak to them next Friday. She responded saying that would be great. I realized how we the autistic community, I realized that, like any culture, the beliefs of us autistic people, both temporal and religious, have been shaped by our common experiences. 

That night I ended up missing dinner time in the dining hall. I made another bracelet and then a coaster, realizing afterwards that I needed to make three more coasters to have six sets. I soon came to realize that autism discrimination against females is basically another form of rape because without the right social skills, autistic females may rely on physical intimacy more to stay in a relationship and might not know how to assert their boundaries in such a capacity. I later made another friendship bracelet for the silent auction. Later I went down to Late Night and had a coke while I made a bracelet from plarn. Then I went to Break Time and got some Altoids, trying to ease my sense of disorientation, before going to Planet Sub and eating a big meaty sandwich to make up for the dinner I hadn’t had. I was awake well into the night, and ended up drinking a beer before sleep, getting a new bottle cap for my collection along with it. The next day I then had a realization: that autistic people worked so hard to pretend to be “normal” (not autistic), and that going to an autism group would mean they have to work harder to pretend by having to make sure no one they knew found out they were in it, and thus might not come to the group for that reason. Instantly, I went down to the OAS Office to make an appointment with Barbara on how to mitigate that problem. 

On Saturday I went down to Hillary’s room and met her friend John. After that I met her dad and after we went to the bookstore to get some medicine for his back, which he hurt last night mowing the lawn, we ate brunch outside the Union and got plenty of free stuff. We saw President Ambrose after that, and then went to his lawn where I saw Barbara and Mr. B, and met Jane, a new THRIVE intern, and got plenty more free stuff.  Hillary’s dad left and then she, John, and I went to the football game. She left in the middle to take John home and then I wrote down a list of Autist Dharma posts I wish to do, which numbered to ten. I got back to my dorm and worked on a friendship bracelet for the silent auction, during which time Tyler called. I decided later this weekend I would call him back. I went down to the Burg Fest with Hillary, where I had some old-fashioned root beer. We got dinner and sat down watching a band perform. During that time, I was inspired to write to more haiku from two pictures I shared on Facebook, and I learned that due to Boycott Autism Speaks, Panera Breads had also stopped sponsoring Autism Speaks. Hillary and I also shared kettle corn. Mardy joined us and we saw a fire dancer. Then we were joined by Michelle and I had a caramel apple. The four of us shared funnel cake and I got the idea to use my root beer bottle to make a ship-in-a-bottle for the silent auction, for which I realized I would need really long tweezers that I could probably order off Amazon.

The next morning, I started on my American Renaissance paper. Then I made two more coasters while I saw Drake demand Sara give him back his flip-flops, which he threw at her, and she said to me, “watch out,” and threw them back at Drake. Then I made some more plarn. I called Tyler and apologized for not being able to talk to him yesterday, and then Erin. I got back and made some more plarn while I heard Mom say she and Dave would be in Colorado until next Monday, and she suggested I get a ride home with Granddad on Thursday. Then I finished most of my American Renaissance paper while I worked on another friendship bracelet, while I also saw Sara wrestle Drake outside her dorm. I talked to Granddad, who said that either he or Grandmom would be able to give me a ride back home. Then I went to Break Time and got some Doritos and Altoids. Then I went into the lounge where I hung out with two girls from my hall, Desiree and Kaitlin, and a guy from another hall named Dakota, and we were quickly joined by Sara. I went to the doorway to our hall to talk to them, and then I saw on Sara’s right foot a tattoo that looked strangely like the autism awareness puzzle piece ribbon with purple, blue, red, and yellow puzzle pieces, almost able to tell what the shapes within the ribbon were. I casually sat down to get a better look at it, and she started running her fingers through and twirling her hair, eventually saying she had a knot in it and had to leave to go comb it. Desiree looked over at me smiling.

 

The next Monday I then read more of my Alaskan myth book during brunch. I also realized that if I were to get people to “come out of the autism closet,” I would have to be the first to do so, as Gandhi once stated, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And suddenly an idea came to me, one that seemed a bit nerve-racking. I took my mind of it, drawing the figures for the diorama for my Cinematography class. After that I drew a poster for with the letters ‘A-S-A-N’ at the top, the words ‘Autistic Self-Advocacy Network’ below that, the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network’s logo below that, the words ‘Kansas City’ below that, the words ‘Nothing about us without us’ below that with the last two words underlined in red as they were at the very bottom, and below that ASAN-KC’s website and Facebook profile picture below it, and posted it out on my door. I realized that most people may know an autistic person or someone who knows an autistic person but would good would it do if so many of these people are not open about their condition. I left for class, feeling anxious about putting the sign on the door, remembering how last year I seemed to do all I could to stay in the autism closet.

After my Cinematography class got out at 6:20, I had some pieces of bread for dinner, as the dining hall closed at 6:30 and the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City meeting started at 7. In the meantime, I worked more on my American Renaissance paper and wrote another haiku. Then I went to the meeting where we talked about an autism app that allowed people to use flowcharts to help them make decisions about work, social media, and face-to-face interaction, and Elizabeth suggested I get several THRIVE students to test it, and I agreed to bring it up to Barbara at my meeting with her on Wednesday. Soon after that we talked about our petition to Netflix, and I agreed to share it with some of my autism groups on Facebook. After that we talked about how we would be presenting at Disability Mentoring Day at Mid-American Nazarene University on October 17. Then we talked about our presentation at JCCC and planned to meet at Spencer’s (one of our members) house to practice for it.

After the meeting I talked to my dad and granddad, telling them about the meeting and the sign I put up on my door, which they thought was a great idea. The day went by and people in the hall still talked to me and treated me very much the same, some even friendlier. The next day after all my classes, I went to the Union and on the way got a good picture of a squirrel up close. There I did a post on Facebook saying:

I have been trying for almost two years to start an autism student organization at my college, the University of Central Missouri, and have been having limited success in getting students to join. What I've heard said is that autistic people often spend their day trying to pass for "normal," or pretending to fit in, and it becomes so exhausting trying to do so and figure out what everyone is thinking. So basically, my goal at each college I have been to is to create a thriving, open autistic culture at them, where autism is not seen as some abnormality, but part of the fabric of the place where people are accepted; a place where people, as I heard it said, can "come out of the autism closet." At JCCC, I believe, I was certainly successful. I started the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Club and it rose up to at least eighty members in under five years, and is on the official list of student organizations. At UCM, the problem has been more difficult. Autistic students live closer and are more frequently in contact with people who might not be so accepting of them as autistic people, people who I have seen more than I wish to at UCM. So therefore, when you take into account the challenges mentioned earlier of trying to fit in, the students also have to sort of hide the fact that they are in an autism group, which we have now decided to call the Autistic Student and Peer Organization instead of the Autism Spectrum Support Group to sound less pathologizing. Basically my challenge is to create a campus where autistics are open and out of the autism closet, and I realized I have to start the trend myself, in other words, "Be the change I wish to see in the world." So yesterday, I found kind of a way to let my school mates and hall mates know I am on the spectrum. I drew a poster with the name of the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City, as well as ASAN's (national) logo, and the ASAN-KC web page and Facebook photo, which I hung outside my door. And I noticed nothing happened to me. People on my hall treated me just the same, saying hi to me and talking to me just as normal. Some even seemed more friendly towards me because I had come out of the autism closet. 

I also put a picture of my poster up with it. Soon afterwards, my friend Riccardo from Horizon shared the post and told Teigan and Marshall from ASAN-KC about it.  Marshall said, “Way too cool!  Thank you Ben, Riccardo.” Soon he and Teigan shared it, along with ASAN-KC, and Ari Ne’eman, the president of ASAN national. A Facebook friend, a father of a teenage autistic boy, who was autistic himself wrote, “Good work, Ben!” Joyce Downing from THRIVE wrote, “Being a positive example is a great first step.” My aunt Laura said, “This is great, Ben. Was wondering if you'd mind if I shared your post to my other Facebook friends? I think it's really well written. And well drawn, too.”  I thanked her and told her she could share it.  My grandmom wrote, “I'd like to share it too Ben. This was a wonderful idea!” My aunt Nini wrote, “Beautifully written, Ben! Here's hoping it will open some doors and some people's minds!” The first one, the father, also wrote, “Ben, if what you're doing were easy, everybody would do it. I tried for three years to get a friend's autistic college student to do some mentoring with my son, but he had worked so hard through high school to "pass" that he had no interest in stepping back into the autistic world. He would have been a great mentor, but was focused on the road ahead. I understood and respect him for his accomplishments (earned a CPA) and a corporate-cube job. Guys like you focus on the road ahead, but figure they may as well make it a bit easier for those coming behind, while they're at it. I applaud you for that.” Beth Rutt, the director of the Rec Center said, “Ben if there is anything we can do to help with your student organization please come see me. I would love to visit with you about the organization and maybe some things we can do to break down a barrier or two.  I'm really sorry to hear that you feel like it's been harder for you to fit in at UCM. If you want to visit come by the Student Activities Office, union 217 or the Student Rec Center. If I'm not at either one Tom or Paula can make an appointment. Hang in there Ben you are a man of great potential.”

On my way back I saw a flock of birds in the sky, realizing that they reach the sky when they work together. I got back and wrote in my poetry journal:

A flock of birds

fly through the sky

together.

             I decided I would do one yarn painting of several birds flying.

Later I hung out with Sara, Cameron, Jessie, and a friend of Sara’s. I then got a closer look at Sara’s tattoo and saw the shapes in there were indeed puzzle pieces. All the while I worked on another friendship bracelet for the silent auction, and a guy from my hall named Giovanni came up to me and said he would pay for a friendship bracelet like the one I was making to be done in green, white, and red, the colors of the Italian flag. Sara, Cameron, Jessie, and I all went down to Late Night together, and as I was about to tell Sara about my squirrel picture she shushed Cameron. Then we went up to watch the movie together, though Sara left some time before it started, and I went to go see where she was. After not finding her, I went and sorted some recycling around campus. Then I got back and made some more plarn.

Later I knocked on Sara’s door, around twelve, and said, “Hi, I…"

She said, “Sssuusshh. Keep your voice down.”

             She was right. I didn’t realize how loud it was and it was past quiet hours, and I was glad she had my back. I explained to her that I didn’t see her during the movie and was wondering where she’d been. She said she had gotten back a little later after I left. Then she noticed my plastic bags, asking, “What are you doing with those?”

             “Just making some plastic bag yarn, or plarn.”

             “Ok, well have fun with that.”

             She smiled and went back into her room.

             The next morning, I went to my meeting with Barbara where I realized an article written by Haley Moss on coming out of the autism closet may be a good resource for finding out how to make other autistic UCM students do the same, and interestingly enough, the article is from a girl with autism. I realized that if we could put a poster in the OAS Office’s display case on girls with autism and their signs and struggles, their friends might be better able to prevent them from running into the sorts of struggles those girls often face, and thus UCM’s female autistic population may see it’s better for them to be out of the autism closet than in it.  Barbara also suggested we put The Friend of Autism Pledge on the OAS and THRIVE Blackboard and the OAS subscription e-mail, as well as on the OAS display case. Then I posted The Friend of Autism Pledge on The Autist Dharma. After that I got some staples at the Union bookstore, printed a copy of The Friend of Autism Pledge off at the Lovinger building, and hung it up on my door, with a sheet to sign it behind it, so no one would feel uncomfortable with others seeing their name and autistic students wouldn’t feel like they live on a campus unfriendly to autism if they didn’t see any signatures, but of course I put my name down. After that I took all my pull tabs to the front desk, as Ellis was having a pull tab contest between North, South, and East Ellis.

                It started raining that day and I went to relax in the third-floor lounge. Afterwards I saw Sara walking through the lounge I was sitting in saying she was going to roll up her car window in the rain, though by that time it had already mostly stopped raining. I drank some more coffee afterwards, and then worked on my yarn painting some more. After that I went down to dinner with my hall, where I was joined by a student who I had never seen on the hall before. I made my bracelet for Giovanni, during which time I saw Sara and Cameron walk through the lounge that I was sitting in. Then I gave Giovanni his bracelet, and he paid me for it, for which I would give the proceeds to the screening of Citizen Autistic, for which ASAN-KC was holding their silent auction for. After that I went to Late Night.  I also made some more plarn. Then I sorted a lot of recycling throughout UCM, and then got back to the dorm and made some more plarn, and soon Hillary and Mardy came up and we hung out together.

                The next day I went to study for my Anthropology of Food test, which was the next day. I then went on my UCM e-mail account and saw that I hadn’t noticed the e-mail I had gotten from the Office of Student Activities saying the meeting was scheduled for today at 3:30. Shocked, I sent out an e-mail to all our members and Barbara, though I didn’t expect much attendance from sending it out at the last minute. Suddenly I packed up all my things, went back to my dorm, and worked on creating a sheet of our four basic rules for the group-Compliments, Courtesy, Confidentiality, and Conference, meaning you could meet with a peer mentor if you saw fit), a sheet on the peer mentor’s role, and about the way our group meets, to help the members understand it like I do. I went to the Union computer lab and printed off ten copies of these things. Then I went to the meeting at its scheduled time and Barbara came and met with me. Sure enough, we were the only ones there, but we did discuss some ideas that would help make the group more attractive. 

The next morning, I took my Anthropology of Food test in the Testing Center and felt I did fairly good. After that I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After classes I got the idea to use my bottle from the Burg Fest to make a sand bottle painting. Then Granddad drove me to his and my grandmom's house, and along the way I found out how to do bottled sand paintings on my phone. At their house, Hurley, for the first time, brushed up against my leg, and I realized I forgot my medications and told my grandmom and granddad, and they agreed to give me rides to my destinations his week. Then my grandmom took me to Hen House to get some food for the weekend at home, and on the way, she said I should ask Sara about her tattoo. We went to Hen House where I saw Lee, who seemed happy to see me, and got some drinks with a new bottle cap for me to collect. Then we got the number of Dr. Mays at Bruce Smith Drugs so I could call him, and he could give me a refill of my medication prescriptions so I could get my medication. Then we went to Minskey’s together. After that I got back and called Erin. I also made some more plarn. Soon after that I learned that ASAN-KC is meeting at Spencer’s house at 4 on Saturday from Teigan, as well as that she might be coming to UCM as a commuter student next semester and realized she may be someone who could help in the group.