Senior's Final Project Week

The post for ASAN-KC for National Philanthropy Day appeared to have been a success, and on the 15^th and 16^th I noticed the chapter got about twenty more likes on Facebook. On Monday I went to breakfast, where I ran into Kriti, who was working at the dining hall, and said I’ve put some very fascinating posts on Facebook.  Then I recited a gatha to help get me through my reading for my Cinematography class. After that I started the reading. After about ten pages, I took a break to get lunch, coffee, and draw in the cafeteria, where someone walking by saw my drawing and complimented me on it. I also finished all the reading for my Cinematography class. I went to that class, during which time I decided to keep doing Ben’s Blog after I finish school, to talk about the future of my group and other groups like it, my art, my poetry, my ASAN work, the future of The Friend of Autism Pledge and the Autism Rights Movement, though I still wasn’t sure whether I would go to grad school afterwards, but in any case, wanted to continue these pursuits for the betterment of the autistic people. After dinner at Crazy Dog’s, I got back and did a lot of reading for my American Renaissance class. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I ran saw Beth and Jessie. I got back and went to Late Night where I did some more drawing. I also learned of the Buddhist practice of reciting a sankalpa, or intention, every night before bed to feel better the next morning from Elephant Journal’s article on Facebook Do These 5 Things Before Bed and Wake Up Happier. That night, I said one before bed.

                During my Anthropology of Food class where I decided to put my Eat, Drink, Vote book in my backpack today so I don’t forget to bring it home. Afterwards I realized that ASPO could be a good bridge between ASAN-KC and ASAN-SL, as well as ASAN, Alpha Sigma Alpha, the Autism Society of the Heartland, and THRIVE. Then I read some more of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After that I worked on some more on my drawings. During my Creative Problem-Solving class, I got back my latest assignment with an 86% and worked some more on our model with my group. I also heard there is a new Facebook page called Boycott Boycott Autism Speaks, which has gotten ten likes since it started yesterday, and is now giving free publicity to the real Boycott Autism Speaks. After that I treated myself to a chocolate chip brownie and a white chocolate blast while I learned that five years ago, the Alpha Xi Delta chapter of Miami, Ohio held a party in the Underground Railroad Museum, which they trashed and urinated all over out of drunkenness, and on a slave’s pen, and I realized that the black community would not respond very well to that. I also recited a sankalpa that night.

The next day I worked on our group project for my Creative Problem-Solving class with my group, where I ran into Sara, and I spent some more of the day working on my drawings. Later I hung out with Josiah and Josh. I got done a lot more of the project for my Creative Problem-Solving class the next day before my American Renaissance class and during my Creative Problem-Solving class. I worked some more on it the next day until my Granddad came to pick me up. As I was packing, I noticed Kaitlyn had put her name on The Friend of Autism Pledge. As I got ready to go, I saw Sara leaving, introduced her to my granddad, and said goodbye to her. I saw her as I got into the parking lot, and she smiled at me. 

                My granddad drove me home and took me to Minsky’s to eat on the way. As we drove, I learned of a Black autistic boy named Reginald Latson, who was arrested for “suspicious behavior” from Boycott Autism Speaks on Facebook on my phone. On the hashtag #freenelilatson, I wrote, “Neli's sole reason for his suspicion was that he was black and autistic. You wouldn't find this with a white neurotypical. Neil was found guilty of assaulting a law enforcement officer when he tried to get him off him, and being on him caused him several bruises and a shattered ankle. The cop was a grown man armed with a gun. Neli was a young teenager who was unarmed. I hope the judge and jury are stripped of their respective privileges for some time and that the cop is suspended. Being black and autistic are not reasons to suspect someone had a gun, and teenagers should not be sentenced for defending themselves against an armed man. Free Neli Latson ‪#‎freeneli.” 

While we were at dinner, my granddad told me that my mom told him that Donna gave a painting of hers to the Mission Project art auction, which made me realize I was grateful, in addition to her generosity, that I introduced Jack to her. I also called Hen House, and learned I wasn’t on the schedule yet. Then I got and worked on some more plarn.

National Philanthropy Day

After a hardy weekend of blogging, I did some more crocheting on one of my belts. After that I took a walk down to a gas station clear my head before I needed to do it at night. Then I did a little bit of the reading for my Cinematography class, though I used the pictures in the book to help guide me a little bit. After that I took a walk down to Break Time and got some Flaming Hot Cheetos’s.

                I went to my Cinematography class where I got a ten out of ten on the quiz, and it helped rekindle my passion a little bit for filmmaking. Afterwards I went down to Crazy Dog’s and enjoyed some boneless honey barbecue chicken wings, and got a canned coke instead of a beer, cutting down on the glass consumption to take to the recycling center, while still not consuming non-recyclable products. I got back and saw Sara, Kameron, and Beth as they were about to go down to Late Night and joined them, at the same table that April and Morgan were sitting at, shortly joined by Drake, and Sara and Beth later went back to the grill to get some more food, before which Sara asked if I wanted anything. After deciding to go up to see what else was being served, I stood in line with Sara and Beth, enjoying their company. Sara, Beth, and Kameron soon finished eating, and Sara asked if I was ready to go back, and I went back up with them, during which time she held the door to the third floor open for me. Soon after that I read more of The Divine Madman. The next morning, I enjoyed a breakfast of donuts and bacon. Then I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class, reading two chapters (which are all very short) at a time, and focusing only on other things after I’ve done them. After that I went to that class where I took part in the discussion and found out I got a B on the first draft of my article summary. 

                After class I made an appointment with Krisana West for the 25^th, the earliest time she had available. I got back and worked on another wind chime made from bottle caps. Then I called Hen House, talked to Rick, and told him I was available to start working on the 23rd. After that I went to dinner where I wrote another haiku. Afterwards I played Candy Rain for a bit. After that I made some more plarn while running on the treadmill. Then I got back and ate at Late Night with April, Morgan, and Drake, while I saw on my Facebook messages a message from Marshall Edwards from ASAN-KC saying he thought they might be able to do something for National Philanthropy Day and asked if I could write a post for their Facebook page. I responded saying of course.  Later I played Candy Rain some more and saw Sara at the same time. I also realized I was going to need to reschedule my appointment with Krisana if I’m going to start working by the 23rd.

                The next morning, I worked on one of my belts made from plarn. Then I went to the Office of Academic Advising and rescheduled my appointment with Krisana for 8:30 on December 2^nd. I got back and worked on an article for ASAN-KC for National Philanthropy Day, while I saw Sara pass through the lounge, and we said hello. After I finished the article, I sent it to Marshall, and he said he and Spencer would take a look at it. Then I worked on my belt some more. After that I finished reading all of yesterday’s reading for my American Renaissance class, again seeing Sara pass through the lounge going from her room to her car on her way to a friend’s house, and then back to get her cell-phone charger. Then I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class while running on the treadmill. I got back and went to Late Night where I saw April and Morgan leaving. Soon afterwards I read a lot more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I took a walk to the Union outside where I danced with Hook, on my way realizing that maybe the walk to the Union, much like the journey to the sites in Tibet, Nepal, and Bhutan for Buddhist pilgrims in northern India is what the pilgrimage is about, and just as the journey that led me to that part of the Union the night, I danced there has been an incredible journey. On my way back I thought longingly of flaming hot Cheetos's realizing that maybe foods do have temperatures like the Greek philosopher Galen had said. Over time, my passion against Autism Speaks was growing stronger and stronger, and I thought Maybe it was time to get Alpha Xi Delta’s attention on the issue by creating a volley of one-star reviews on their page for their support of AS, until their average drops so much that we get their attention, and I should be the one to start it.  Feeling too tired to write anything though, I simply gave them a one-star review for the time.  The next day after my classes got out, I decided it was time to do it, but I was scared, remembering stories of fellow autistics protesting Autism Speaks who faced threats, harassment, and even violence for their beliefs, but as I got on Facebook, I saw a post that Desiree had shared showing World War II soldiers on D-Day with a quote saying, “Courage does not mean you are not afraid.  It means you do it anyway.”

                My heart racing, I went on AZD’s page where I saw a post of a poster of a very attractive blonde girl, Jackie Boyland of the sorority saying, “I can’t imagine what it’s like to hear your child has autism.  Now you know your life is changed forever.  It happens every twenty minutes.  In a split second, tomorrow will never be the same.”

                That was it. I went to my review, and I wrote:

 I am a twenty-five year old man, have a job, and can speak perfectly, yet according to Alpha Xi Delta, I am a speechless six year old who is consistently having tantrums.  That is their basic overall impression of Autistic (yes, I say autistic because I’m not ashamed) like me.  You won’t hear anything about Jerry Seinfeld or Daryl Hannah who have all claimed to be autistic.  You never see any other type of information from them or their partner Autism Speaks.  I believe that to believe their organizations message of curing autism, you have to believe one of two things: either that autism prevents one from living a happy, fulfilling life; or that it somehow makes your personhood less than that of non-autistic people.  I along with other autistic activists like Lydia Brown, Amy Sequenzia, Temple Grandin and so on, show that is not true.  Some of us can’t speak or live up to conventional markers of success, but we can contribute far more than AXiD or AS gives us credit for.  None of AXiD’s money that it has raised has helped autistics live fully independent lives with their current condition as I am able to do now, but support eugenic research on autism akin to what has happened to Down syndrome for so many years.  Look it up on Autism Speaks tax returns on their own website.  Autism Speaks and their partners have done this by using material that portrays autism to be the equivalent of a car wreck or being struck by lightning.  We deserve better than that.  And all the while, AS includes no autistic people in its board or governing decisions in becoming the most trusted name in autism politics.  AXiD will not give you information or services geared towards helping autism, only demonizing stigma and propaganda.  They probably just looked for the first thing they found when they looked up autism to be their philanthropy so they could have a charity to be recognized without having to put in any effort, as there are so many other organizations with less harmful spending, membership, and informational qualities, such as the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, the Autism Women’s Network, the Autism Society of America, and the Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership.  In short, AXiD does the bare minimum in trying to help the autism world.  You won’t find any information, material, or services here: just stigmatizing, infantilizing, rhetorical propaganda.  I give this organization one star because I can’t give it zero.

                Suddenly my heart was racing. I was ready for all the hate mail and threats from AZD members. I was just glad they didn’t exist at UCM, or I would have been afraid to go out at night alone for fear of being assaulted. I thought though, that if I was the first to do it, other autistics who may want to speak up against AZD’s support of Autism Speaks might be able to do it to. I got back to my dorm, and called my granddad, telling him what I did. He said it was good I finally did that. I told him about Jackie Boyland’s quote, and he thought it was laughable, and he agreed that Sandy Edwards, AZD national president, is probably just a young twenty-year-old who doesn’t know how to lead a group, so rather than deal with criticism, she censors everyone in her sorority who doesn’t agree with her. He had told me that his dad always said the problem with fraternities and sororities is that they are run by nineteen-year-olds, and he experienced that problem when he was in his old college fraternity. I did agree to send him a copy of my review and my Scream through e-mail.

                I spent most of the rest of the afternoon drawing, completing my picture of the Autistic Scream. Then I went out into the lounge and worked on some more drawings, including two from The Tales of Aragorn and Arwen from the appendices of The Lord of the Rings of Aragorn as a ranger before the events of The Lord of the Rings, while I sat out there with Josiah, Josh, and Katie. Katie saw me drawing and asked to see some of my work. I handed me sketchbook to her, still unready to show the Autistic Scream to just anyone yet, but as she flipped through the pages, they all saw the picture and thought it was just The Scream, not noticing the unique cultural nuances to it, for which I was grateful. I liked and trusted the three of them very much but knew few of the world outside the autistic community knew about the controversy of Autism Speaks and did not feel able to explain it to them. They did see all my drawings though and were very impressed with my work.

                I called my dad that night, and told him about what I did today, and he understood why I was nervous. He laughed when I told him the quote by the blonde AZD girl, and thought, like my granddad, that perhaps these young girls did not have the leadership skills to deal with criticism of AS within their organization and agreed that AZD’s support of AS was different from that of Home Depot or Dollar General because these girls would not be part of AZD for their whole lives. I did feel some comfort knowing that AZD’s post of that blonde girl’s quote had only gotten two likes, and their posts about AS in general got less than forty likes, so perhaps moral for AS was low in AZD. Still, it was with great anxiety that I went on Facebook on my phone, but saw to my relief, that I had not yet gotten any “hate mail” from angry AZD members.

The next day after meditation and prayers, I finished working on The Scream, closing my sketchbook right before Jacob came and joined me at my table, who I was glad to see. While I showered, I got a call on my cellphone, and when I got out, I saw it was from an unknown number in San Francisco and decided not to return the call. Then I worked on writing down lists of words for autism-themed crossword puzzles and word searches and got the idea to make an Autistic Mahjong set, and I got the idea we could give these word searches and crossword puzzles to people who might potentially join the group to get them to rethink embracing their condition while I saw Sara walk by, leaving to go home. Afterwards, inspired by Timber Hawk’s (author of Buddhist Boot Camp) advice to express gratitude on Facebook, I wrote a post on Facebook in the spirit of Thanksgiving saying what I was grateful for in the world of autism, trying to feel better about the situation of the autistic community as it was just then, and it went:

Autism post in the spirit of the holiday-three things I am grateful for: I am grateful to have a wonderful Autistic Self-Advocacy Network chapter in my hometown of Greater Kansas City, whose members are so kind to me and supportive, and whose meetings I can attend on-line while I am away at school at Central Missouri. I am grateful for my enormous help and support being given, at home and at school, for starting a student organization and social network for autistic students called the Autistic Student and Peer Organization. I know because of these groups that far-reaching grassroots impact is possible when you have people committed to doing the job. I am grateful for my abilities I have been given and the support in starting my two autism blogs, Ben's Blog and The Autistic Dharma. The support I have received from my friends, family, and colleagues lets me know that a group of people, no matter how small, unknown, or unheard of, can make a lasting impact in the world that can affect us for the rest of our lives. Happy Thanksgiving, everybody.

 

That afternoon, I went down to the Union bookstore and got some more mechanical pencils.  Then I went down to Crazy Dog’s enjoying some honey barbecue wings as a reward for my standing up to Alpha Xi Delta. I got back and did another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class. I also saw eight people, including Alexandra, Mckinsey, Ari Ne’eman president of ASAN national, and my dad like the post. Then I wrote down some more poems. After that I made another coaster from receipts. I also talked to my granddad, and he said he and my grandmom were both very impressed with my Facebook post, thinking it was a nice refresher from a world where people are always complaining. After running and talking to my dad, I hung my wind chime up. After that I took a walk down to Break Time and got another Snapple cap from my drink.

The next morning, I saw my post that I had written for National Philanthropy Day on ASAN-KC’s Facebook page, just as I had written it, going:

National Philanthropy Day-Why the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network Matters on it

National Philanthropy Day is a day set aside on November 15 every year, signed into law in 1986 by President Ronald Reagan, to “recognize the great contributions of philanthropy—and those people active in the philanthropic community—to the enrichment of our world,” according to the Association of Fundraising Professionals.  In this respect, the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, a 501(c)(3) non-profit organization run by and for autistic people, especially should be recognized among the most well-known faces of the autism community today by people celebrating NPD.  Our organization, founded in 2006 by two college students, Ari Ne’eman and Scott Robertson, is a response to social inequities among autistics, including restraint and seclusion in public schools, underrepresentation in employment and higher education, abuse by police forces, and discrimination in receiving medical treatments, including life-saving operations due to the belief that disabled lessare less of a priority than the non-disabled.  Some of our contributions include the ASAN Toolkit for Advocates on Ending Discrimination in Organ Transplantation, the ASAN Toolkit for Advocates on Health Care and Transitioning into Adulthood, and the ASAN Toolkit on Improving Home and Community-Based Services, which can all be found on their website autisticadvocacy.org.  On that note, ASAN shows great initiative to provide concrete, discernable differences for autistic individuals compared to many larger, more publicized autism organizations.  I believe it particularly deserves recognition among the autism community.

ASAN’s selflessness in utilizing their resources for communities and families is evident because all of our executives are volunteers, with exception of President Ne’eman, who earns $65,000 a year in Washington D.C., running ASAN as a full-time job.  Meanwhile, ASAN played a major role in the Autism Collaboration, Accountability, Research, Education, and Support (CARES) Act of 2014.  Originally the Combat Autism Act, ASAN and their collaborators, such the Global and Regional Asperger Syndrome Partnership, prompted the name change, believing the term “combat autism” was too stigmatizing.  We have also encouraged legislators to push for more autistic representation in the bill’s research and more funding for autism services (originally only 2.4% for children and 1.5% for adults).  Clearly ASAN has been a real asset to address the future prospects for autistic individuals that concern their families and loved ones. 

As an active member of ASAN’s Kansas City chapter, I feel my opinions and ideas about issues that affect me the most are not discounted because I am autistic.  Autistics, parent, ally, and professional of autistic individuals are all allowed to take part in the meetings of ASAN regardless of whether they are verbal, use a type-pad, or any other form of communication.  Autistics, like me, know I that at our meetings I can be openly and unapologetically autistic, which I rarely feel anywhere else.  It is a breath of fresh air and a truly liberating experience.  Here, people recognize my individual worth, dignity, and rights without the need for labels like “high-functioning” or “low-functioning,” which is what philanthropy is about.  Today let’s be true to its spirit and recognize the desire to improve other’s well-beings.

Joy spread throughout my body. Quickly, I put in the comment section, “Thank you, everyone for your support. Teigan commented back saying, “Well written.” I shared it on my Facebook page, and soon Barbara shared it on her page, saying, “UCM’s very own Ben Edwards.” My mom also commented on my post saying, “Wonderful, Ben.  As always, I’m proud of you and your activism.”

 

 

Aragorn in the land of Harad, in the far south of Middle Earth

Aragron in Moria

 

 

 

Disability Deadlines

 

On the Monday after I got back from my third weekend at home, I took pictures of the lighting set-up I did for my shot remake for my Cinematography class and sent them to my teacher. I also decided to post The Friend of Autism Pledge on Facebook and tell people in my post that if they agreed with the pledge, to like it or put their name in the comment section. After I did this, I noticed I had gotten an invitation from Joshua John, a THRIVE mentor, to Disability Awareness Week taking place down in the Union that day until the 31^st. I accepted the invitation and went down there. Once there, I helped set up tables and met Barbara, who I asked about TheFriend of Autism Pledge, and she said she was ok with me putting her name on my sheet. Soon I saw my mom had liked The Friend of Autism Pledge, and asked me to add her name, along with two other Facebook friends. I also met a woman from the Social Work program, who Barbara and I told about the Autistic Student and Peer Organization, and she suggested I submit an article to the Non-Traditional Student Organization’s newsletter, as so many of their members were parents and possibly had an autistic child. I agreed with her. The deadline was by the 29^th. Also, a deadline for writing for the autistic community was the day Autistic Speaking Day on November 1^st when autistics from around the world submitted short written works (poems, essays, articles, etc.) for the Autistic Speaking Day blog in order to promote the idea that autistics can speak for themselves.

              On Friday I called the Ellis maintenance about my new broken blinds (the second time in that semester), went to the library and found an article from an issue of The New England Quarterly to do the article summary for my American Renaissance class, checked it out, got back and e-mailed my instructor asking for his approval for this article, and did a journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class before its due date at 5:00.  I then looked at my UCM e-mail account and saw Kristie had responded to my submission saying she would be happy to have the article in there. I also saw Erin from Camp Encourage had e-mailed me back, saying she saw The Friend of Autism Pledge, and would be happy to let me add her name to it.  

As I ran on the treadmill, I saw a picture on Pinterest made from bottle caps of god’s eyes of different sizes with each layer being a different color because they were made from different types of bottle caps.  After seeing that, I knew what I wanted to do to repurpose many of the duplicate bottle caps I had.  After all that I enjoyed one of the Grape Smirnoffs I had gotten the last Sunday (though I don’t really like vodka), from which I got another bottle cap, making this one perhaps the three hundred sixty-third bottle cap I had collected so far.  Josiah, meanwhile, helped me work on my bottle cap picture, using his math skills to help me figure out the number of different types of duplicate bottle caps I would need for each diamond.

                The next morning, I saw, to my relief, my post on the Autistic Speaking Day website, just as I had written it. After that I went to the hardware store and got some hot glue and a hammer. Then I went to Walgreen’s and got some toothpaste, a twenty-five dollar debit card, and some beers. I spent part of the afternoon putting up links to it on the Autistic Speaking Day website and The Autist Dharma on The Autist Dharma and Facebook. I started on my bottle cap picture, which was really fun, and I got most of the way through it. I also talked to Granddad, who was pleased to hear the news about my publication and was interested in my picture. Then, while on the treadmill, I got the idea to use the bottom of an aluminum can to make the top of my wind chimes. Then I got started on my wind chime. I went to Break Time afterwards and along the way got a great picture of the black-and-white night sky above the lit-up Rec Center.

 

 

A Week of New Identity

Later, after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM.

I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to my dad and granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before, sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in ‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other posters.

The next morning, I went down to the Union and set up the poster. Then I worked on our presentation for my Creative Problem-Solving class. After that I went to my Anthropology of Food class where I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. I also got out I realized that maybe at ASPO we could have an on-line conversation where members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others can see that others in their circle might be autistic. Then I got a new Susan B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger building. After that I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our presentation. I also got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room, and he asked about my poster on my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.

I made some more plarn at dinner. Then I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to my granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II homework.

The next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto Facebook. I also shared an article on ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate, and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner with some people from my hall. After that I worked on my yarn painting some more. 

While I ran, I saw Teigan had messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great friend for doing that. I also asked her that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and she responded with a smiley face. I realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group, not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a true family. I got back and wrote a few poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to feel important. Then I wrote a few more poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:

Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
 

               That night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but from themselves and then realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.

            I got back and made some more plarn at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I got back to my dorm and went down to Late Night where I started knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12 o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his, who happened to be Chinese too. He also invited me to go fishing with him and Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Dr. Mayfield. Soon after that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said he did really good.

            I had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk around UCM. I walked by the fraternity house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO; then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St. Louis. As I crossed the street heading back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl; then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café.  Then I went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a puzzle and three belts. I got back and started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched the baseball game. Then we went to eat Mexican food in the town. We got back and watched the game some more. Then we went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.

                The next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to my granddad, who I learned had just gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and he was very sympathetic. I also undid my original attempt at crocheting plarn. I saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding, and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I also sat with him and Josh. Afterwards, including some of the time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out how to crochet, and finally got it.

                On Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara, Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked more on my plarn belt and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth-floor lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented me on it. I got back and worked on my belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her journal entries. Then I worked on my belt some more.

                The next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my crochet belt. After my last class, Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds while I crocheted some more. Then I worked on my belt and crocheted some more.

                On my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.” I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy, much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies, rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”

                Not promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”

                As I left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I should be there to show the right way for. I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that could be true.

I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward my hard work. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices and some small Altoids. Also, that night, Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of North Ellis.

That night I dreamt that another girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two girls. Sara also joined us, and as we sat, I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were doing for Hook and Reeder. I went downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look like the things on pinball machines. At the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of Associations.

                I got out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold to. And in the dream, when I realized every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream, indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet last year. I realized one thing: that the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture, upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.

As I took a shower, I remembered what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone experienced it the same. Accepting oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the public school system. 

                As I walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know.  Just some guy.” 

                After that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine. 

                The next morning, I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went to that class where I learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their lands. After that class I read a little bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me, and I talked to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this weekend.

                After my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so long. The feeling was only for four hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period, wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy.  I felt significantly better after class got out, and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief, albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and many autistics still feel. After Late Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting sequences. I realized that before I left Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism was not a part of. The next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it relates to the work of Temple Grandin.

                The next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday party, I saw a grasshopper and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American, and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to Hasting’s with me sometime. 

                The next morning, I sat with Amanda and Paige. I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from plarn. After that I wrote my paper for my Anthropology of Food class. I got back and worked on my belt some more and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism community. I got back and talked to my granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked more on my belt. I got back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.

                On the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my Cinematography class. The day after that Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous right then. After that I e-mailed Sean about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference and then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge and realized that much like music is for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including some art majors. At the table I still got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers, Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.

The next morning, I found my blinds had been fixed. Later, while I sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in and seemed very happy to see me. Mom texted me asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after class. Later on, I ate dinner with Josiah and Josh. I also worked more on my two belts and my toilet paper roll wall art and got a new bottle cap from my new beers that I got recently. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. I also called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center today. After that I went down to Late Night where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food (or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of those places. After that I finished the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.

The next day after my Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After I got out of class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom. 

I got home and saw that my mom had left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with my mom, who during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple Grandin.” The thought seemed almost overwhelming to me.

After dinner, I told my mom one thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to start all over the country. My mom said, “Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to replicate.”

After that I talked to Erin and my granddad. I also made some more plarn and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.