A Week of New Identity

Later, after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM.

I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to my dad and granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before, sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in ‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other posters.

The next morning, I went down to the Union and set up the poster. Then I worked on our presentation for my Creative Problem-Solving class. After that I went to my Anthropology of Food class where I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. I also got out I realized that maybe at ASPO we could have an on-line conversation where members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others can see that others in their circle might be autistic. Then I got a new Susan B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger building. After that I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our presentation. I also got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room, and he asked about my poster on my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.

I made some more plarn at dinner. Then I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to my granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II homework.

The next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto Facebook. I also shared an article on ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate, and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book, The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner with some people from my hall. After that I worked on my yarn painting some more. 

While I ran, I saw Teigan had messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great friend for doing that. I also asked her that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and she responded with a smiley face. I realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group, not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a true family. I got back and wrote a few poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to feel important. Then I wrote a few more poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:

Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
 

               That night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but from themselves and then realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.

            I got back and made some more plarn at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I got back to my dorm and went down to Late Night where I started knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12 o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his, who happened to be Chinese too. He also invited me to go fishing with him and Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Dr. Mayfield. Soon after that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said he did really good.

            I had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk around UCM. I walked by the fraternity house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO; then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St. Louis. As I crossed the street heading back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl; then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café.  Then I went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a puzzle and three belts. I got back and started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched the baseball game. Then we went to eat Mexican food in the town. We got back and watched the game some more. Then we went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.

                The next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to my granddad, who I learned had just gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and he was very sympathetic. I also undid my original attempt at crocheting plarn. I saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding, and we agreed to meet on Wednesday. I also sat with him and Josh. Afterwards, including some of the time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out how to crochet, and finally got it.

                On Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara, Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked more on my plarn belt and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth-floor lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented me on it. I got back and worked on my belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her journal entries. Then I worked on my belt some more.

                The next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my crochet belt. After my last class, Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds while I crocheted some more. Then I worked on my belt and crocheted some more.

                On my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.” I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy, much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies, rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”

                Not promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”

                As I left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I should be there to show the right way for. I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that could be true.

I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward my hard work. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices and some small Altoids. Also, that night, Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of North Ellis.

That night I dreamt that another girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two girls. Sara also joined us, and as we sat, I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were doing for Hook and Reeder. I went downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look like the things on pinball machines. At the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of Associations.

                I got out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold to. And in the dream, when I realized every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream, indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet last year. I realized one thing: that the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture, upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.

As I took a shower, I remembered what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone experienced it the same. Accepting oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the public school system. 

                As I walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know.  Just some guy.” 

                After that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine. 

                The next morning, I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went to that class where I learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their lands. After that class I read a little bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me, and I talked to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this weekend.

                After my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so long. The feeling was only for four hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period, wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy.  I felt significantly better after class got out, and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief, albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and many autistics still feel. After Late Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting sequences. I realized that before I left Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism was not a part of. The next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it relates to the work of Temple Grandin.

                The next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday party, I saw a grasshopper and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American, and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to Hasting’s with me sometime. 

                The next morning, I sat with Amanda and Paige. I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from plarn. After that I wrote my paper for my Anthropology of Food class. I got back and worked on my belt some more and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism community. I got back and talked to my granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked more on my belt. I got back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.

                On the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my Cinematography class. The day after that Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous right then. After that I e-mailed Sean about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference and then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge and realized that much like music is for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including some art majors. At the table I still got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers, Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.

The next morning, I found my blinds had been fixed. Later, while I sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in and seemed very happy to see me. Mom texted me asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after class. Later on, I ate dinner with Josiah and Josh. I also worked more on my two belts and my toilet paper roll wall art and got a new bottle cap from my new beers that I got recently. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. I also called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center today. After that I went down to Late Night where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food (or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of those places. After that I finished the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.

The next day after my Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After I got out of class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom. 

I got home and saw that my mom had left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with my mom, who during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple Grandin.” The thought seemed almost overwhelming to me.

After dinner, I told my mom one thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to start all over the country. My mom said, “Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to replicate.”

After that I talked to Erin and my granddad. I also made some more plarn and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Visiting My Brothers and Sisters

            On Saturday morning in the middle of September I drove down to the Overland Park Convention Center for the Kansas City Ability Expo featuring artists from the Kansas City area, including Teigan and Marshall from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City. After a little trouble finding the directions I got there and sure enough I saw them, sitting at a table with Teigan selling some of her drawings and Marshall selling comic books of his. They both seemed very happy to see me. Teigan told me that Elizabeth had come earlier.  

             “Thanks for coming!” she said.

Teigan told me at the Expo about ASAN-KC’s new petition to Netflix to get them to show more movies with positive portrayals of disability, as she said when you search ‘disability’ on there, the first thing that comes up is Autism Speaks’ film Sounding the Alarm. I told them about how I had recently been working on my letter to Alpha Xi Delta national president Sandy Edwards trying to persuade AZD to withdraw their sponsorship of Autism Speaks. Teigan told me that they at ASAN-KC had e-mailed them several times, each time getting back a “sorry, but not sorry” response. She suggested that we could try reaching out to individual chapter leaders instead to try and get all that we could on our side and until much of AZD had changed its viewpoint that Sandy Edwards would have to respond. I told her though that if individual chapter leaders stopped supporting AS, they could face extreme consequences from the National Council of AZD. Then I told her my idea for getting at least two hundred people from the autism community to put one-star reviews on AZD’s page criticizing their support of AS, since they now had an average review rating of 4.7 stars out of sixty-seven reviews and if we got two hundred or so autistics to put one-star reviews on their page, their average rating would drop so much and we could get their attention. Teigan liked that idea. I also told her my idea to get a bunch of us to put comments on their posts about their work with AS. She told me however that whenever someone puts a negative comment about AS on their page, they delete it and block the person.

                “Ok,” I said thinking heavily on the issue.

                “It’s alright,” said Teigan. “What’s that saying the squeaky wheel gets the oil?”

                 I met several artists at the Expo including an older woman with Cerebral Palsy, the mother of a non-verbal autistic girl who made several drawings, a deaf woman who gave me a pad of paper and a pen to communicate with her, and an older man with a speech impediment, who made fantastic prints and paintings. There were tables selling handbags, crochet patterns, paper cards with 3-dimensional flowers, and much more. I ended up getting two bookmarks for an optional donation and for $3 a card that said, “Thinking of you,” for when I find the love of my life and am away from her for a long time.  Before I left I went to say goodbye to Teigan and Marshall.  

                “Thanks for coming!” she said once more.

                “Sure,” I said.

                “You’re practically one of our favorite members. You’re a…what’s that word I’m thinking of?” she asked Marshall.

                “Asset,” he said.

                “Yes. I know, I’m just so tired, but yeah. We’ve been trying to get you involved for a long time… You’re like famous in the local community!”

                “Well, thank you,” I said.

                I finished saying goodbye to Teigan and Marshall taking some ASAN-KC business cards to give to people who might be interested in them. Then I went down to the lower floor, about to walk to my car and drive home when I got a call on my phone. Unable to see the Caller ID number because my screen was cracked I answered it, and a female voice came up, with me having trouble finding out whose it was because it sounded so similar at first to other female voices I know. Finally I found out who it was.  It was Erin. 

                “Sorry," I said, "I couldn’t tell who you were at first.”
                “Is there something you’re not telling me?” she asked in a very concerned tone of voice.

                “No,” I said honestly.

                “Cause I’m worried about you. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

                “I won’t”, I said. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to drive in a car without my seatbelt like those two girls at UCM last year.”

                Erin heaved a sigh of relief.

                “Ok,” she said. “I was just kind of worried after I heard you had those drinks because I know some people who aren’t supposed to take alcohol because it interferes with their medication.”

                “No, it’s not that. I just didn’t realize how strong these drinks were.”

                “Ok,” said Erin, sounding relieved.

                Eventually I told her what I was doing, how I was at the Kansas City Ability Expo and what that was.      

                “You should get involved in that, Benny”, she said.

                “Really?”

                “Yes, cause your arts so good.”

                “Ok, well thanks.”

                I drove home and got back a few minutes later. Suddenly I realized that since I wanted to make plarn (plastic bag yarn) belts for ASAN-KC’s silent auction in November, I could take the gray Walmart bags I used to keep some of my stuff to repurpose, and replace them with white one, which I had over two hundred of to make plarn bags, which took about seventy bags, and use the gray ones for belts, as I thought that would look better for belts then white ones. After that I went down to Starbuck’s with my Cinematography textbook to read. First, however, I checked my notifications on my Facebook feed and saw that a Facebook friend of mine, Amy Sequenzia, another person who was famous in the autistic community, had invited me to an event on Facebook called “Tell Dr. Phil and the Media that Issy Stapleton is the VICTIM!” Basically, a mother, Kelli Stapleton, with a severely autistic girl had tried to murder that daughter of hers, causing her father to take her away, and Dr. Phil would be interviewing her on the Dr. Phil Show. We weren’t sure, but many of us were worried Dr. Phil would sympathize with Kelli’s statements that she tried to murder her daughter due to there being, “not enough services for her.” I accepted the invitation and then read my textbook.

                Later I went down to Jack’s new apartment in the Mission Project, with assistance for people with disabilities that let them live somewhat independently, seeing it for the first time. It felt great to finally see Jack again, and showed me his living room, kitchen, dining room, and bedroom, in which there were fantastic paintings and sculptures he had done at Johnson County Community College after he left THRIVE, including ones I had seen of his earlier. Jack had always been a terrific artist, and I was not surprised at these works. He also showed me a storage space he had down in the basement, where he kept his bicycle, and the laundry room. He also told me Corey, Zach, Pierce, and Julie, our friends from THRIVE, were now living at the Mission Project. He took me down to his workplace Script Pro., which manufactures pharmaceutical machines. It was a beautiful building, which also had a goldfish pond and garden from a house it had bought, which was now part of its facilities, a rec center, and a martial arts and yoga studio. He took me to their break building, storage units, custodial area, and customer service building. It was a neat area, and I was glad Jack got to work for it. In a couple of years, he said, he may move on to doing things other than custodial work, which he enjoyed doing for them. He said the people were really nice, some of them being funny, and that one person there also had autism.

                We got back to his apartment and ordered pizza from Dominos, which we walked down to get. As I remembered him, he ordered his with no sauce just like mine. Afterwards we watched the movie Cast Away on the sofa in his living room, and towards the end, I noticed Tom Hanks said that during all his experiences, when he wished he was dead, all he could do was breathe, and it reminded him he was still alive. Before I left, I gave Jack a business card of ASAN-KC, thinking he might want to get involved in the art expo next year.

                I got back home that night thinking about what Teigan had said earlier that day about reaching out to individual chapter leaders of Alpha Xi Delta to withdraw their support for Autism Speaks. I realized, of course, that if they did that, Sandy Edwards from the National Council might invoke harsh consequences on them. She might revoke their charter, and the whole chapter would no longer be in Alpha Xi Delta. But then I thought, so what? I had already given up something like that for the autism community, having opted the choice of refusing to pledge to Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity last year to focus on starting an autism group at UCM, after feeling the bid was a refreshing step from years of bullying, discrimination, and misguided counselor, and since then had not looked back, as I said to my dad (about the autistic community of UCM), “they are my brothers and sisters.” If Alpha Xi Delta sisters were to wear the mane of autism advocates, why should they not have to sacrifice like I did for the cause? I remembered Cassie Burghoff, the first friend I had made at UCM outside of THRIVE, who I was now long sure had Asperger syndrome, remembering her sacrifice to be a social worker, and my willingness to honor her path despite the fact that I had grown very fond of her. Why should AZD sisters be considered top advocates when they have done what they do from comfort and convenience from being sorority leaders with resources and privilege like we had not had?

                The next morning before I went back to school, I gathered up all my gray Walmart bags I used to keep my recyclables in and put them in white ones. As I was about to leave and feeling stressed about all I had to do (at least that I wanted), I remembered what Tom Hanks said in Cast Away about how he just had to breathe and he remembered that he was alive, just how I remembered Timber Hawkeye in Buddhist Boot Camp said we can focus on our breath and remember that we are alive. Then, with my mom in the car next to me, I drove on the highway for the first time in a while to Lee’s Summit, where I would meet my grandparents who would take me back to school. We drove back, and I told my grandmom, who was excited to hear, about my work with ASAN-KC and their new existence in Kansas City.  

                “Well that’s good," she said. "We need that.”

                I got back, gathered my stuff, said goodbye to my grandparents, hugging my grandmom goodbye, and went up to my dorm. I took my recyclables (except for my glass) down to the recycling bin in the courtyard. Then I made four more leather bracelets, getting caught up on my quota. I also saw my plastic buckles had come in the mail. 

                I ate dinner with Josiah, Sally, and Josiah’s friend Ben tonight. After that I made another paracord bracelet. Then I worked on my song some more. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour. After I got back I got some more beers at Break Time, an amber lager, which tasted surprisingly good to me, and from which I got a new bottle cap for my collection. Erin called me, apologizing for jumping to conclusion with me yesterday, and told me she didn’t mean to imply I’d do anything. I told her it was fine and she didn’t need to worry. Then I went back to my dorm waiting to get to sleep, and remembered how whenever I mention anything autism-related to Cassie, e.g., my autism group, she tended to get a little annoyed at me mentioning such a thing, as if she did not want to talk about it. Yet I realized if one were to say that had an autism spectrum condition to their friends, it would be so much trouble faking to pass for “normal,” as autistics so often had to do.

                But I knew exactly how Cassie felt. There was nothing wrong with her beyond the way of being a normal human being. Having an autism group to go to and be accepted at couldn’t possibly satisfy the need to feel like everyone else. 

 

               

Autistic Pride Day in Leadville

On the morning before our trip to Colorado, I did not sleep at all for some reason (that just happens sometimes I guess), but I realized that if a chapter of the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network is opening up in Kansas City, then it will be very close to the autistic social network/mutual aid society I started at JCCC and a similar organization that a friend of mine from high school started at Penn Valley, as well as Elizabeth’s group at KU (I thought), so they may be able to work together for their own mutual benefit.  I also remembered how Tyler said he thinks of me whenever he’s stressed as it makes him feel better.  We headed off to Colorado afterwards, and while we drove, I worked on my travel plans to Turkey.  I also got a new bottle cap for my collection from a drink at the gas station.  I also drove a little bit on the highway with some caffeine, during which time my mom taught me cruise control, and both she and Dave thought I drove really well.  

Next Wednesday would be Autistic Pride Day so I worked on a post for that holiday that was inspired by a post I had seen on Facebook called Thoughts from a Female Aspie.  We went to Whole Food’s where I got another bottle cap for my collection from a drink I got there.  Finally we made it to our home, which looked very different, and I could even see a stone patio and found several pebbles for my collection.  I saw that our bathroom had been almost finished.  I also got another new bottle cap for my collection from our drinks here.  Then Dave gave me new cell-phone charger.  After that I helped get my bed made. 

The next day Dave offered to pay me to pull the weeds from our patio after I finished meditating.  I also did fairly well with making eggs after some good pieces of bacon that Dave made.  He always makes good bacon.  Later I went to the recycling center with my mom and Dave, where I found two new bottle caps, one crown and one not, and then I helped them at the dump.  My mom and I got coffee and I got a lemon bar after that.  Then we went to pay the woman who remodeled our house, Sandra, and I went with my mom and Dave to help give her a feeling of appreciation by seeing more of the family whose house she helped remodel.  Indeed her neighborhood was very nice and clean, although the houses were by no means big.  Dave and I went to the taco truck outside Safe Way afterwards where I found several bottle caps lying around, including a new one for my collection and several for my wall fish.  I also got a new bottle cap from my drink they got me at Safe Way.  I drove back home so my mom and Dave could show me the way into town, which turned out to be a pretty easy drive.  I also met Elizabeth’s friend Kelly through e-mail inviting me to speak at the panel for autistic adults to the kids at her camp, Camp Encourage, after hearing of me from Elizabeth, and I accepted. 

                I got back and worked on my mandala made from plastic bags and realized how the words I make transcending sections of the mandala would give the piece a feeling of unity, just like my Drawing I teacher said intersecting shadow lines do in drawing, and how I will also have interesting and diverse pictures on there from all the different bags.  Then I worked on pulling the weeds until it started to rain and I went back inside and worked on my plastic bag mandala.  I also wrote in my bottle cap collecting journal.  I pulled more weeds until it was impossible to uproot any more of them and Dave thanked me for doing that.  Then I read about all the ruins along the Lycian Way and realized there seems to be all sorts of things right up my alley to do in all the different parts of Turkey.  I also realized that perhaps I may have had an influence on the Kansas Legislature’s willingness to pass a bill requiring some autism coverage with my testimony at the Kansas Legislature, which Elizabeth also attended.  After a dinner of pork chops and apple sauce that had some pieces of broken glass in It from the container breaking at Whole Foods, I worked on a belt made from plarn for my granddad for Father’s Day, and during that time I also realized that my blogging and other work may have prompted people to push for things such as the anti-bullying legislation, and they may have also prompted insurance companies to fear a broader autism coverage bill to be pass and prompted them to push for their current bill. 

                The next morning I cooked some bacon and eggs.  Later I took a walk around the train tracks and creek with my mom and Dave, where I found several more pebbles, some molten rock, including some to give to Jack and Tyler as gifts, and several bb shells, saw several beaver dams, and enjoyed being around Wally.  Afterwards I read thirty-six pages of The Divine Madman, where I sort of realized that Drukpa Kunley’s sexual exploits and promiscuity may have been a way to teach the girls how illusory romantic satisfaction, and I worked on a Father’s Day present for my granddad.  I helped Mom and Dave move some furniture after that.  Then I called Granddad, who agreed with how I might have influenced several moves that have helped autism, and Dad to wish them a happy Father’s Day.  After a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, where I did try and somewhat like zucchini, I finished and posted both my Ben’s Blog posts for today.  After that I talked to Tyler for a bit.

                The next day I cooked some eggs, and then read some more of The Divine Madman, which actually helped my better grasp the Tibetan language, which still has a long way to go, and I got an appreciation for how Buddhism is good in all trials as all trials are indeed impermanent.  I later went down to the National Forest and Turquoise Lake with my mom, Dave, and the dogs where I took several photos and we picked up several recyclables.  I got back and finished a belt made from plastic bags.  Then I worked on my wood drawing for my granddad, which I was so satisfied with I would be sure to take a picture of to have a sort of copy for myself.  On the way to dinner I did see that the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network had successfully gotten the Autism CARES Act to include changing the agency which looks at issues of adults with autism.  I went to the Grill with my mom and Dave, where I had some delicious steak and chicken tacos.  We got back and watched Ron White’s A Little Unprofessional on Netflix after that, in which he seemed to have gone downhill from when I had seen him before. 

                The next day Later I went into town with my mom and got some tacos at the taco truck, which I learned you can ask for with just meat and they will remember it, and I found a new bottle cap lying around as well as several ones that would be good for my Rainbow Fish wall fish, and got a new one from my drink I got there.  My mom and I went into town and I got a guitar-shaped mints tin, a hazelnut truffle, and a box of edible flowers, which I didn’t realize what it was, but realized my mom might like it and decided to give it to her as a Mother’s Day present.  Then I got three more Native American post cards to frame as wall art with my other post cards and they all have a theme of warriorship.  I gave Mom the gardening kit and she loved it.  Then I drove to the liquor store, which we remembered on the way home and got some new beer, and I realized my bottle cap collecting journal also functions well as a beverage tasting journal.  I drove back and when I got home I got another new bottle cap for my collection.  Afterwards I edited my Autistic Pride Day post.  Then I worked on my travel plans to Turkey.  After that I wrote in my dream journal for today, yesterday, and the day before that.  I had a great turkey sandwich with the sauce from the taco truck.

                The next day Then I assembled the other bunk bed for our room.  After that I worked on my travel plans to Turkey.  After that I went on a walk by our tracks with my mom and Dave into an old abandoned mine field outside our property and found several new pebbles, picked up some trash and recycling, saw another bird species, and I realized what it must be like to explore Turkey with all its hidden secrets and undiscovered ruins.  I also found some bone in the park and several clay pebbles on our property.  After that I worked on my Autistic Pride Day blog post, which I finished and posted after a dinner of pizza, with some frustration of uploading my pictures. 

                The next day I got a new bottle cap from my drink at the café my mom and I ate and much to her delight, she finished her bagel sandwich before me this time.  Afterwards I helped her move a trundle bed into our car and into our house.  On the way back to Minturn, we saw a deer carcass on the side of the road.  I also decided I wanted to use my career to help kick-start an Autistic Renaissance.  Then I got a buttered bagel and a Chai tea smoothie at a coffee shop in Minturn, before buying a CD called Turkish Groove (recommended by Lonely Planet) at Scarab.  On the way back to our house we saw an eagle and a coyote feasting on the deer carcass, which I realized must attract wildlife.  I got back to our house and Later I read about Cultural Studies and decided I might like to do something with that as well as filmmaking.  After a dinner of a turkey sandwich with sauce from the Mexican taco truck and brewing some hot tea, Graham and Lane, his girlfriend, arrived and I got to meet Lane, and it was nice to see them.

                The next day we got some tacos at the taco truck and found some more of my rainbow fish wall fish before went white-water rafting.  After that we went to Tennessee Pass where I learned Lane’s sister is a blogger with Asperger syndrome and I gave Lane the addresses to my blogs and my e-mail address to send me a link to her sister’s blog.

                The next day we drove home and I got another new bottle cap from my drink along the way I also got some tacos at the taco truck with my mom, Dave, Graham, and Lane, and found some more of my rainbow fish wall fish.  Then we went white-water rafting.  After that we went to Tennessee Pass where I learned Lane’s sister is a blogger with Asperger syndrome and I gave Lane the addresses to my blogs and my e-mail address to send me a link to her sister’s blog.

                The next day we drove home and I got a new bottle cap again from a drink at the gas station along with some spicy chips.  I also practiced some highway driving for about an hour and both my mom and Dave said I did really well.  When we got home I found out I worked from 4-10 the next Friday.

Thanksgiving Break 2013

        On the day I went home for the Thanksgiving break, we started brainstorming for our final project, to be worked on in class and outside, for my Drawing I class: a drawing of a still-life. I got the idea to make dancing and drumming Africans from plastic bottles caps with wire for the arms, Easter egg shells for beehive huts, clay cross graves with straw flowers suggesting the dead died recently, deacons made from plastic bags and wire carrying a body, and the dancers and drummers to show life goes on for the still life, inspired by a story I read in one of my Lonely Planet books of Africa about a man who lived in an African village for years, and saw a funeral a day due to AIDS, the theme of my drawing to be that life goes on. My teacher thought that sounded like a good idea. Later I read a lot of the reading for my World Masterpieces class. Afterwards I sorted some recycling in Ellis and put my recyclables in my closet. I also called work I found out I work on Sunday from 10:30-7, Monday from 12-6, Tuesday from 10-6:30, Wednesday from 8-4:30, and Friday from 10-6:30. I checked out and drove home for about forty minutes before my mom and I stopped at an antique shop, where I had a good time petting the owner’s cats, though realizing that I would soon be home with one of my own cat’s dead body and I got a pocket knife. I got home and found my Lord of the Rings flute book lying on my bed. After that I worked on my bags woven from Walmart bags. I also talked to Tyler who I learned is starting a bottle cap collection. I decided to give him some of my duplicates and make him a box to store them. I went to see Jim Gaffigan afterwards and thought he was very funny.

                The next morning before I went to bed, I sorted out some bottle caps for Tyler during which I found a new one for my collection. After I had breakfast, I went into town and got a haircut. After I got back, I talked to my friend Erin on the phone. Then I practiced my flute for half an hour playing The Prophecy from my Lord of the Rings flute book, though it used a different fingering system than I was used to and had to adjust to it. Later I worked on my figurines from bottle caps. Then I watched World’s End with Mom and Dave. 

                The next day I went to work. I got a new Snapple cap for my collection from my drink at lunch and afterwards I got the December 2013 issue of National Geographic and the Historical Collector’s Edition Obama. I also got the idea to make my bottle cap fish look sort of like Rainbow Fish, from a story book from when I was younger. After I got home, I watched a YouTube video of a scene from The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Extended Version, which I thought was pretty funny, and would love to see, even though I didn’t think there would be much to add. I showed it to Dave, and he thought it was funny too.

                I went to work the next day, getting another Snapple cap during my break. After I drove home with Dave, I realized that it’s good I do my job as many people might love help out after tiresome exhausting jobs, like, as I learned last year, a social worker in a house with thirty screaming kids. Later I worked more on my figurines made from plastic bottle caps and Cam got home. 

I went to work the next day and got a new Snapple cap on my lunch. I also learned about the children’s book that inspired my bottle cap fish idea called Rainbow Fish about a fish with beautiful scales which he was so proud of and one day a fish asked for one of his scales and he rudely refused and after that none of the fish wanted to play with him so he went to the Mysterious Octopus who told him that he should share because it would make him happy and he did and it made him happy, which I guess is sort of like the message of Buddhism. I thought that it could inspire me to write a screenplay where a guy is rejected by his community after he refuses to share his great wealth and is rejected by his community and tries to find a place where he isn’t asked to share what he has only to learn to give back to the community he belonged to. I also realized that Gandhi and his followers living with few possessions may have made them more humble and less likely to be violent and more likely to die for their cause as they had nothing to lose like for that matter suicide bombers or people who commit self-immolation in Tibet, and if Gandhi and his followers had used violence, as opposed to non-violence, the British may have not been able to fight the Nazis as they may have been too overtaxed fighting the Indians and other rebellions throughout their empire and many people on the spectrum lagging behind in basic motor skills and having selective mutism may just be a more extreme version of trying to escape reality.

                While I was at work, I saw the Shawnee Mission East choir working, playing, and begging for money at the store and realized this was the effects of the budget cuts. By the end of work, I made $39.50 in tips. I got home and I realized that part of diversity is about the context in which we talk about different groups. I also worked on my bag woven from Hen House produce bags.

                The next day I walked to work, seeing some gangly-looking crows on my way to work. At work I got three new Snapple caps on my breaks and lunch. I also saw a girl from the Shawnee Mission East choir look really upset as she forgot to bag a customer’s groceries and couldn’t get them to her in time. 

                “Don’t worry. It happens,” I told her. She seemed to feel better. Then after buying a two-liter bottle of Pepsi I realized I could put the top over my Buddha statue with the wrapping as light switch plates and covering the bottom with foil to make an incense burner. I asked Cam if he still wanted his old bottle caps, and he said no, so I got twenty-nine more bottle caps for my collection. I also went to Winstead’s and the Pathless Land with Granddad, the latter where I got the December 2013/January 2014 issue of National Geographic Traveler, the Winter 2013 issue of Parabola, the November/December 2013 issue of Afar, the Winter 2013 issue of Buddhadharma, and the December 2013 issue of Saveur.  I learned about National Geographic Traveler’s Photo contest winners in their magazine and thought I’d check out their photos and submit some one day. I also went to the Pathless Land where I meditated thinking of changing the world while going over the Padmasambhava mantra in my head and I did the dedication of merit. I got home and heard Mom say the budget cut’s support would end in 2014. I fed Peter after that. Then I started working on my vase and incense burner made from a bottle

                The next morning, I found I got my Lonely Planet Mozambique book in the mail. I also found some places to visit in my book. Then I went to my grandmom and granddad’s house and worked on my bottle cap figurine. Then we had Thanksgiving dinner while I said a grace by Thich Nhat Hanh. After dinner we talked to Uncle Todd, Aunt Laura, Abby, and Eric over Skype. We also had Thanksgiving pie. I also decided to make Buddha wall art from bottle caps. I got home and called Erin and wished her a happy Thanksgiving. Then I worked on my bottle cap figurine. 

                I went to work, and I decided to make a wind chime out of bottle caps in my collection. During my breaks I got a new Snapple cap for my collection. I got back and found a new bottle cap for my collection in the stash Cam gave me. After dinner I buried Polly in our backyard, and I said a few words about what she meant to me. The next day I went to Chipotle with Dad and Cam and found out Dad’s giving me a ride back to school tomorrow. Then Dad and I went to Half Price books and got a Lonely Planet book on Rajasthan, Delhi, and Agra, where I learned about some Buddhist caves in southern Rajasthan, and The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Visual Companion. Later I worked on my bag woven from Walmart bags. I also learned autistic girls may compensate for their lack of non-verbal social understanding by a “sixth sense.”