Later,
after breakfast, I went down to the Union and finished the stuff for the poster
board tomorrow. Then I got back and cut out and colored the pieces for the
diorama for my Cinematography class. I read the reading for that class, during
which time I realized that if autistic students knew there was someone else in
their circle of friends who was autistic, they might be more willing to come
out of the autism closet. Soon afterwards I went to my Cinematography class
where I found out our first video got twenty-one out of twenty-five points
while the class saw our second one and liked it a whole lot better. I also
realized that for some art pieces I could depict pictures from bottle caps or
stamps since autistic art is about representing the experiences and thoughts of
autistic people, and one of my experiences is going to Warrensburg and
discovering the joy in simple pleasures, as well as seeing the beauty in everyday
life like a Shambhala warrior. I also realized that maybe I could find a way to
get more autistic students in the circle of friends of autistics at UCM.
I went down to Crazy Dog’s where I
got a new bottle cap from my drink, a pumpkin apple cider. Then I got back and
started sketching some bottle cap images in my little notebook. After that I
ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I drew some more bottle cap
picture sketches in my notebook and wrote down some of my ideas for getting
people to come out of the autism closet, as well as realizing we could possibly
put The Friend of Autism Pledge up on the Blackboard sites for a lot of the
departments we’re trying to draw peer mentors from, and that a display in the
Union which focuses more on the social and cultural aspects of autism may help
autistics feel more comfortable coming out of the autism closet as their
friends might be thought to be more accepting. I got back and talked to my dad
and granddad, who both agreed with my idea that other autistic students in the
circle of friends of autistic students might be helpful in getting them to come
out of the autism closet. Then I went down to Late Night where I saw Jacob, and
we ended up agreeing to go down to Hasting’s, which he has not been to before,
sometime this weekend and go to a restaurant afterwards, and I drew more of my
bottle cap sketches. After that I rested for a few minutes before I went down
to the Harmon Center in the library and printed off all my stuff for the poster
board. I got back and taped it all on the board, while Giovanni walked by and
inquired about what I was doing, and I told him I was doing a poster for
Disability Awareness Week, to which he said, “You’re always doing something
cool.” I realized this poster should help people around me be more familiar
with my work combined with the poster and pledge I put out on the door, thus
helping get more signatures to the pledge. I decided to capitalize the ‘A’ in
‘Disability’ in order to emphasis the difference aspect of autism instead of
just the disability part, and to make it distinguishable among the other
posters.
The next morning, I went down to the
Union and set up the poster. Then I worked on our presentation for my Creative
Problem-Solving class. After that I went to my Anthropology of Food class where
I figured out how to crotchet to make plarn belts and placemats and could use
my white, yellow, brown, and gray plarn to make a striped belt. I also got out
I realized that maybe at ASPO we could have an on-line conversation where
members could exchange skills and information they have on certain things, so
they can participate without having to do it as an autistic person, and others
can see that others in their circle might be autistic. Then I got a new Susan
B. Anthony dollar from my change at the vending machine in the Lovinger
building. After that I sat with Josiah and Josh and read a lot of Moby-Dick. I
also went to my Creative Problem-Solving class where Tobias and I gave our
presentation. I also got back and made some more plarn as well as saw Sara in
passing. I hung out with Giovanni in his room, and he asked about my poster on
my door and about my high school and told him I went to Horizon and learned he
once considered going there after discovering he was gifted in math and
considered “special needs.” He also taught soccer there during the summer. I
eventually told him I planned to make belts for the ASAN-KC for their silent
auction, and he mentioned how one of Horizon’s founder’s sons has autism. I
realized I am slowly creating the tone of autism on my hall as a positive one.
I made some more plarn at dinner. Then
I got another Susan B. Anthony dollar, two more Sacagawea dollars, and another
presidential dollar for my coin collection. I then went to the gas station
across the street from Break Time and got some more beers. I got back and
worked on my yarn painting. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while
I worked on my bottle cap drawings. I got back and talked to Dad who again
liked my new idea. I called Cam and wished him a happy birthday. I talked to my granddad, who also liked my new idea. Then I went down to Late Night and made
some more plarn. I got back and helped Hillary with her English Composition II
homework.
The
next day I took some pictures of my poster and uploaded them onto
Facebook. I also shared an article on
ABA that I found on the autism blog UnstrangeMinds, detailing stories of abuse that had come out of it. After
that I treated myself with a mocha blast as they were out of white chocolate,
and then ordered for myself The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book,
The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion, and Songs of a Gorilla
Nation, a memoir of an autistic woman Dawn Prince-Hughes who travels to Africa to study gorillas, who she says think in very similar ways to her as an autistic person. After that I got back and worked
on my yarn painting. Then I went to dinner
with some people from my hall. After
that I worked on my yarn painting some more.
While I ran, I saw Teigan had
messaged me asking if I had written this article on ABA because she thought if
I had, I must have experienced a lot of bad from it and in that case she
wondered if I needed someone to talk to. I told her I hadn’t but thanked her and let her know she was a great
friend for doing that. I also asked her
that if she sees Wendy to give her my regards due to her husband’s cancer, and
she responded with a smiley face. I
realized that trying to support Wendy like that was just what I needed to lift
myself from the mental and emotional strain I was feeling at running the group,
not simply because her plight was worse than mine, but because in doing so, I
was reminded of why I run the group, because people like her are my brothers
and sisters, and ASAN-KC feels to me like I strive to make the group: like a
true family. I got back and wrote a few
poems, including one expressing my love for ASAN-KC. Then I went to Late Night and saw April, who
I asked if she was going to the lake this weekend, and she said she wasn’t, but
was willing to give me a ride if I wanted to go there. I had a coke and wrote some more poems, and
then did my laundry while talking to Tyler, who had some “suggestions” on
helping the autism group, and I realized he tries to help because he likes to
feel important. Then I wrote a few more
poems and found some toy dinosaurs in a goody bag that Mardy threw away and I
put in my laundry hamper to save for later, though all the gum had gone through
the laundry and had the awful taste of detergent. It went:
Three plastic dinosaurs
bring me back
to simpler times.
That
night, before I went to bed, I made some more plarn. I also realized that many
autistics, like I was, are not so much hiding their condition from others but
from themselves and then realized that simply the fear of being different isn’t
what troubles a lot of autistics about having autism, as many will admit to
having ADD. After class I went down to Hasting’s on my way to my appointment
with Dr. Mays and bought Gandhi’s An Autobiography: The Story of My Experiments
with the Truth. I read it as I was waiting for my appointment and really
connected with it. Then I had my appointment where I told Dr. Mays about my
experiment with autism advocacy in Warrensburg, and he said I was really
blazing a trail. He also gave me a new prescription for my vyvanse.
I got back and made some more plarn
at dinner. On my way to Break Time, I ran into Jess, Kameron, and Jessie, who
had just got back from playing volleyball, and said I should come with them the
next time they go. I realized I had put the poster out and they still wanted to
include me. I went to Break Time and got some Doritos as well as some new
beers, which had a new bottle cap for my collection. Then I went to McDonald’s
with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an
hour while I made some more plarn. I got back to my dorm and went down to Late
Night where I started knitting a plarn belt for the silent auction. I saw
Jacob, who was on his break, and we agreed to go to Hasting’s on Sunday at 12
o’clock, and then go to King’s Chef Buffet, and he would bring a friend of his,
who happened to be Chinese too. He also invited me to go fishing with him and
Ryan and come to another barbeque like the one he had before. The next day I
hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and then we went to Bi-Lo Mart and got
pizza bagel stuff, as well as some gum and mini Altoids, which I adored. I also
sent The Friend of Autism Pledge to Dr. Mayfield. Soon after that I ran on the
treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. I also wrote another
haiku, and I saw Ian, and we agreed to get together sometime. I also saw that
guy from my hall that I saw for the first time that one dinner come out and
talk with several people from our hall, during which time Jessie told him she
saw him in the marching band while she worked with athletic training and said
he did really good.
I
had a great deal of trouble getting to sleep that night, so I took a walk
around UCM. I walked by the fraternity
house, remembering how I had been invited to the fraternity Tau Kappa Epsilon
there, which I willingly gave up in order to put more time into starting ASPO;
then to the Multipurpose Building, where I remembered seeing my good friend
Cassie Burghoff graduate over a year ago before going back to her home in St.
Louis. As I crossed the street heading
back from the building, two girls in a car drove by, one sticking her head out
the window shouting, “Tits and beer!” I
went to the Wood building where my Anthropology classes were held, remembering
the time I willed myself to think I could find love with a neurotypical girl;
then to the north side of the Union, where I had danced with several Alpha
Sigma Alpha girls, including Erin Hook, a UCM student killed in a car wreck
last year, along with her friend Jennifer Reeder. On my way around campus, I took some pictures
of the beautiful buildings beneath the night sky. When I got back to Ellis, I realized Jessie’s
compliment probably meant a lot to that guy. After meditation, showering, and breakfast I went into town and enjoyed
some tea and a tempeh burger at the Black Adder Café. Then I
went to the Salvation Army store where I donated my old shoes and bought a
puzzle and three belts. I got back and
started turning the belts into bracelets. I then hung out with Hillary, Philip, and Mardy at Todd while we watched
the baseball game. Then we went to eat
Mexican food in the town. We got back
and watched the game some more. Then we
went to the Warrensburg movie theater to see Annabella.
The
next day, I drew some more of my sketch of a bottle cap picture while I waited
to hear from or see Jacob, but I never did. Then I took out my trash and recycling. I also got Songs of a Gorilla Nation in the mail. I talked to my granddad, who I learned had just
gotten out of the hospital, and who I told about the stress I was having, and
he was very sympathetic. I also undid my
original attempt at crocheting plarn. I
saw Jacob and learned there was a misunderstanding, and we agreed to meet on
Wednesday. I also sat with him and
Josh. Afterwards, including some of the
time I was on the treadmill, and while I heard Sara was in Jessie’s and
Kameron’s room talking to them and another girl, I spent some time figuring out
how to crochet, and finally got it.
On
Monday, After that I went down to the dining hall where I ran into Sara,
Kameron, and Drake. Afterwards I worked
more on my plarn belt and went to a presentation on sleep on the fourth-floor
lounge, where I enjoyed some vanilla ice cream with chocolate sauce and
sprinkles and learned you could help your sleep by establishing a ritual of
winding down at the end of the day, like crocheting. After that I went to the Rec Center where I
got a new quarter for my collection from my change at the vending machine and
ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I worked on my belt and read part
of tomorrow’s reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I went down to Late Night where I
worked on my belt some more, and two people saw me doing it, and complimented
me on it. I got back and worked on my
belt some more. After that I helped Hillary get done her
journal entries. Then I worked on
my belt some more.
The
next day I read more of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After that I e-mailed Brittany, the RA who
had invited Mardy and I to the sleeping seminar last night, in response to her
e-mailing us about our blinds. Then I
read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class while I worked on my
crochet belt. After my last class,
Brittany came by our room and said she had put in a work order for our blinds
while I crocheted some more. Then I
worked on my belt and crocheted some more.
On
my way down to the Union to take down the poster I put up there, I was
approached in the courtyard by representatives from several Homecoming campaign
groups, all trying to get me to vote for their candidate. I was approached by a blonde Alpha Sigma
Alpha girl, telling me for a good few minutes how their Homecoming Queen
candidate had worked so much for “autism awareness,” and that I ought to vote
for her because she really “cares about doing good for the community.” I listened numbly as she spoke. Did she realize that I was an autistic guy,
much more one who had started student groups for autistic students at UCM and
JCCC, and spoke about autism and my experience with it to children at an autism
camp, learning disabled school, and NBC news, or that autism awareness had so often
been associated with focusing on autism as a burden on families and societies,
rather than on the social issues faced by autistics. At the end I said, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to look at that.”
Not
promising her anything, I went in the Union and bought some more glue, walking
past the electronic voting booths near the atrium. I was not yet decided that I was going to
vote for the ASA queen, if anyone, until I knew that she wasn’t a fundraising
agent for Autism Speaks. The brochure I
had gotten didn’t say what sort of organizations or programs she had worked
for, just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces Together.”
As I
left the Union, I sort of accidentally-on-purpose waved the poster showing the
name Autistic Student and Peer Organization in the face of the girl who had
approached me, as if to tell her “working for autism awareness” wasn’t going to
impress every champion of the autism community. I got back and got my The Hobbit:
An Unexpected Journey Visual Companion book in the mail. Then I saw that the candidate’s campaign
flyer did not say she had worked with Autism Speaks (or indeed any autism
organization or program), just “Autism Awareness,” and “Fitting the Pieces
Together,” and I realized that perhaps their work for autism has been inspired
by what I’ve been doing lately, and were doing their best to help, which I
should be there to show the right way for. I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that could be true.
I went to Crazy Dog’s to reward
my hard work. Then I ran on the
treadmill for about an hour where I read some of my Hobbit book. I got back and finally got the hang of making
a crochet chain and redid my on the second crochet belt I started making. Then I went to Late Night and read some more
of my Hobbit book. I got back and hung
out with a lot of the people from my hall. Then I worked on my next belt some more. After that I went down to Break Time and got myself some Fruit Slices
and some small Altoids. Also, that night,
Mardy, for reasons of his own, moved out of our room and to the second floor of
North Ellis.
That night I dreamt that another
girl, besides Hook and Reeder, had died last year. Then Elizabeth, several autistic friends, and
I were lying on our backs on fields as a ritual to petition the Governor of
Associations, a supernatural spirit of the Great Beyond, to remember those two
girls. Sara also joined us, and as we
sat, I thought, “These are my brothers and sisters.” Then I fell asleep. I woke up in the attic of my house and saw
from a window what looked like my head in one of those containers with a glass
lid being held by Elizabeth, Sara, and several other autistics, like they were
doing for Hook and Reeder. I went
downstairs and inadvertently walked through a short maze with doors that look
like the things on pinball machines. At
the end I thought, “Sara!” realizing she thought I was dead and rushed to go
tell her the truth, but before I could, a spirit shot balls of light from
itself at the doors two times, closing them. I looked behind me to where it was coming from, and saw a great white
ball of light, glowing purple, blue, and red around the edges, speaking in a
frightening voice in some sort of unknown language: the Governor of
Associations.
I got
out of bed and realized what the dream must have meant: autistics, to embrace
their condition, feel the need to grieve for the old self they tried to hold
to. And in the dream, when I realized
every one of the autistics, as well as Sara, thought I was dead, I didn’t think
of how Elizabeth would be affected if that were the case, perhaps signifying
that she was already out of the autism closet. Also, another girl had died in the dream,
indicating, perhaps, that another girl at UCM had come out of the autism closet
last year. I realized one thing: that
the way a person grieves, which can be vastly different from one person to the
next, is influenced by a number of factors. Some of them included things such as genetics, religion, culture,
upbringing, and environment, but one that was relatively similar for almost all
of the autistics I was trying to entice to join my group was age.
As I took a shower, I remembered
what my former high school teacher, Mrs. Asher, told me about embracing oneself
as an autistic: that it was like the five stages of grief; not everyone
experienced it the same. Accepting
oneself as autistic was like losing oneself. When I first went to Horizon Academy, I remembered how I spent the first
few years trying to reinvent myself after years of bullying and neglect in the
public school system.
As I
walked to the Ellis lounge to do some work I saw Sara outside her room with some
guy, and we said hello to each other. The guy asked her, “Who’s your friend?” and she said, “I don’t know. Just some guy.”
After
that I worked on my crochet belt a little more. I continued it while I was at the Rec Center. After that I went down to Late Night where I
met two friends of Alex’s, Jasmine and Jasmine.
The
next morning, I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food
class. Then I went to that class where I
learned that animals produce more blood when stressed and realized that if it
hadn’t been for Temple Grandin, we may not have been able to stop something
like Mad Cow Disease. I also realized
that vegetarian lifestyles may very well lead to farming machinery destroying
animals habitats, deforestation from clearing of forests, children in the Third
World wandering to their deaths in the city to make a living when the farmers
who are their parents don’t make enough money to feed their families, and
warfare, as in the case of Burma, when indigenous peoples are forced of their
lands. After that class I read a little
bit of the reading for my American Renaissance class. Then Josiah came and sat with me, and I talked
to him. He also promised to bring me some plastic bags from his home this
weekend.
After
my next class, I remembered the feeling I had once last year, where, in
addition to my grief over the deaths of Hook and Reeder, I felt certain that
Emily, my then would-be ex-girlfriend, had died, as she hadn’t texted me for so
long. The feeling was only for four
hours, yet it felt so real, as if I really had lost the love of my life. Somehow, after I got out of class, I still
felt like that, feeling almost unable to concentrate that next class period,
wanting to go to my dorm and lay my head on my desk, drink alcohol, and forget
about all my passions-art, music, writing, autism advocacy. I felt significantly better after class got out,
and suddenly I realized the fear that I had lost Emily was a feeling of grief,
albeit under false pretenses and for only a few hours, that could allow me to
understand the “grief” of accepting a new autism identity that I had once, and
many autistics still feel. After Late
Night, I spent the night on my computer, watching a Lord of the Rings fan film The
Hunt for Gollum based on the appendices of The Lord of the Rings, which
I thought was really good, especially for a low budget film, and had good fighting
sequences. I realized that before I left
Horizon, the time when I embraced myself as an autistic, I would also be
preparing to grief for another loss: the school I had known and loved for so
long, perhaps making it easy to grieve for the loss of the self of which autism
was not a part of. The
next day I wrote another food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class
on what I had learned about animal’s stress in food production, and how it
relates to the work of Temple Grandin.
The
next morning as I was waiting to get a ride to my friend Ryang’s birthday
party, I saw a grasshopper and got a picture of it up-close. Soon I went to Lion’s Lake, accompanied by
several Asian students on the ride, and met up with several Korean, American,
and international students, including Jacob. There I enjoyed the company of everyone there, enjoyed some delicious
meat and learned a lot more about Korean culture, made some more plarn from our
bags, found another bottle cap for my collection, and picked up some more
recyclables. Jacob also agreed to go to
Hasting’s with me sometime.
The
next morning, I sat with Amanda and Paige. I got back and worked on my Hobbit activity book some more. Then I worked more on my belt made from
plarn. After that I wrote my paper for
my Anthropology of Food class. I got
back and worked on my belt some more and went to Crazy Dog’s and worked on it
some more, and realized I didn’t feel I needed to vote for an autism awareness
Homecoming Queen candidate considering all the things I had done for the autism
community. I got back and talked to my granddad, who agreed that I had no reason to feel the need to vote for the ASA
Homecoming Queen candidate for her autism awareness platform after all I had
done, as I knew he would, and told me the group was doing a lot. Then I called Hillary to see if she could
help me by being in the shot remake for my Cinematography class. She called back and said she could. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour
while I worked more on my belt. I got
back and Hillary helped me remake a shot from the movie Saving Silverman, which turned out alright, though I realized I could have got the setting better and shouldn't have done it with my cell-phone camera. Then we went down to Mardy’s new room and
hung out with him and Sheldon, a former THRIVE student, who was visiting for the weekend.
On
the next Monday I worked on my belt and did a lot of the reading for my
Cinematography class. The day after that
Afterwards I saw April in the dining hall and later Sara, who seemed extremely nervous
right then. After that I e-mailed Sean
about an e-mail Teigan and I were supposed to get about the conference and
then messaged Teigan about to say that I talked to Sean and that I think we
should still go to this conference. After that I worked more on my belt, while I heard the rap music of the
tenets of one of the dorms in the lounge and realized that much like music is
for a lot of people, flapping one’s hands for many autistic people is a way to
drown out the sensory experiences around you. After classes got out, Alex stopped by, commenting on my art, especially
the snake, which he said he still can’t get over. Then Josiah and Josh came in and I hung out
with them, trading a beer for a Dr. Pepper with Josiah, before he later invited
me to come sit with him, Josh, and some of his other friends at dinner in the
dining hall, about whom he told me he was bragging about my art to, including
some art majors. At the table I still
got some favorable comments on my belt, which I worked some more on. I got back and went to Late Night where I
worked some more on my drawing of Gandalf for my Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug Activity Book. Then I went to Break Time and got some beers,
Jacked Doritos, and small Altoids.
The next morning, I found my
blinds had been fixed. Later, while I
sat in the lounge Sara walked through the lounge I was sitting in and seemed
very happy to see me. Mom texted me
asking what time I wanted to be picked up tomorrow, and I said 3:30 after
class. Later on, I ate dinner with Josiah
and Josh. I also worked more on my two
belts and my toilet paper roll wall art and got a new bottle cap from my new
beers that I got recently. I ran on the
treadmill for about an hour while I read more of the reading for my
Anthropology of Food class. I also
called Mom and asked her to bring my old fridge with her, explaining how Mardy
moved out and I no longer had his fridge, and she agreed to do it. Then I got back and worked on my toilet paper
roll wall art with some of the toilet paper rolls I got down at the Rec Center
today. After that I went down to Late Night
where I joined April and Morgan. I also lined up the bottle caps in my collection, during which time I realized that
organizing my bottle caps by who drank the beers they were from into groups and
using them to make wind chimes is a great way to learn about the way the food
(or rather drink) they consume expresses something about who they are, and my
bottle cap collecting journal has written down all the places the caps I get
come from, which I can use to learn about how food and drink says things about
those places, and the collections of bags from Kansas City and Warrensburg that
I use to make mandalas can tell me more about how food reflects the identity of
those places. After that I finished the
reading for my Anthropology of Food class. Then I worked some more on my toilet paper roll wall art.
The next day after my
Anthropology of Food class, I read a lot of the reading for my American
Renaissance class. After I got out of
class I got the idea to make bread top pixel art. I got back and finished packing up my stuff. Then I drove home with Mom.
I got home and saw that my mom had
left on my bed several bottle caps and receipts, a catalogue from the Autism
Asperger Publishing Company, and a check for $43.66 from my painting, which
sold at the Mission Project auction, which sold for $125 for which, they will
start art classes there, along with a letter thanking me for my donation. After that I finished and posted my next
Ben’s Blog post. Later I worked on my
toilet paper roll wall art and finished one piece. I also had Szechuan chicken with my mom, who
during that time mentioned that Aunt Nini said I should be “the next Temple
Grandin.” The thought seemed almost
overwhelming to me.
After dinner, I told my mom one
thing: that if my group succeeds, it should be a catalyst for groups like it to
start all over the country. My mom said,
“Well, it’s like Sean said about the JCCC group. It’s a good model for other groups to
replicate.”
After that I talked to Erin and my granddad. I also made some more plarn
and learned that they voted at ASAN-KC three neutral on going to the JCCC
Autism Conference, four abstain, and seven still go. I also made some more plarn.
