Preparing for Exams Again

On the first day of December, I got the idea to glue my non-crown bottle caps to an old record as a reference to song from the quote from Thorin Oakenshield, “If more of us valued food and drink and song and cheer over hoarded gold and silver, a much merrier world this would be.” Then I went down to Walgreen’s and got some shampoo and toilet paper. After that I fixed my god’s eye while I saw Sara. TI also went down to the OAS Office to schedule my Anthropology of Food exam. Then I went to the Union bookstore and got some hooks for my god-eye. I got back and hung it up, along with my yarn painting of Gandhi.  After that I made some more plarn. I also went to my Cinematography class where I got a 16.5% out of 30 on the exam, but it counted for less than 10% of my total score. After that I called Mom and asked her when I might say I can work until before we go to Colorado, and she said the 26th. I called Hen House and found out Rick wasn’t there out, he was going to be there tomorrow. Then I went down to Crazy Dog’s and had some honey barbecue wings. Later I went down to the Rec Center and saw Sara along the way and we talked. While I was there, I worked on another drawing. I said another sankalpa (Buddhist affirmation for the next day) that night. 

The next morning, I went to my appointment with Krisana and I enrolled for the Geography of the Former Soviet Union, Native American Religions, American Naturalist and Realist Literature, and Comparative Cultures. During that time, Krisana said I had ninety-eight credit hours, which meant I was due to graduate the next semester and ought to apply for graduation soon. I thought that couldn’t be and I only had ninety-two credit hours, fifty from JCCC and forty-two from UCM, and still had two more semesters. In any case, I did not think I could start the Autistic Student and Peer Organization in just one more semester, and it was something that meant so much to me and that I had put so much work into. 

Soon after that I called Hen House, but they told me to call back later. After classes got out, called Hen House and gave Rick my schedule. After running, I talked to my dad, who said he does have some records for me to use for my bottle cap peace signs that we can check out the next time we go to my grandmom’s and granddad’s house. After that I went to Late Night where I saw some new American Dad!. The next morning, I went to work with my Creative Problem-Solving group, and we finished our model, assigned speaking roles, and I filled out my evaluation worksheet. After that I went to see Cathy at the OAS Office and got my accommodation letters sent out, and I told Cathy about my concerns about the number of credit hours I had being miscounted and she printed off a degree audit, which confirmed my ideas, and told me to talk to my academic advisors about it. Later I made some more plarn. 

Later I reposted The Friend of Autism Pledge on Facebook. Then I had dinner with Josiah, who gave me his number before he moves out into Foster/Knox. I got back and saw three more people, including Jess, had liked The Friend of Autism Pledge, and I added their names to my list. I also finished my Anthropology of Food paper. Later I saw Jennifer Smith from the Autism Society of the Heartland had liked The Friend of Autism Pledge. After that I went down to Break Time where I got a new Snapple cap for my collection from my drink and picked up and recycled a bottle I found. 

After my Anthropology of Food class, the next morning I took a short nap. I also worked on my bottle cap wind chimes. Then I sat with Mardy, Alex, Mary, Blair, and Ellie at lunch. During my Creative Problem-Solving class my teammates and I worked more on our project. Soon after I got back to my dorm I went to the mandatory meeting for our hall. Then I had some cookies for National Cookie Day at dinner. Later I made my first sing from several of the crown bottle caps in my collection, using wood I brought from home during the break, saying “Now.” I was rather pleased with how it turned out. That night I also recited a sankalpa.

The next morning, I went down to the hardware store to buy some more, and then Bi-Lo Mart and got two drinks along with a four-pack out drinks. I got back from the Rec Center and talked to my dad, who said he saw Sean Swindler today, and he was very full of good things to say about me and said that he thinks I really changed the culture of JCCC. Later Josiah gave me a bag, which was full of candy canes. Then we watched some College Humor videos together. After that I walked down to Break Time and got some Altoids. That night I recited a sankalpa again.

The next day I made another receipt coaster and finished another one. Then I went down to Those Were the Days and bought some more embroidery floss. I also began thinking more about how mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn, used to say when asked by people if pure attention in Buddhism had anything to do with Attention Deficit Disorder, and how he would answer that the Buddha would say everyone in our society has Attention Deficit Disorder. I decided I was going to write a letter to him asking him to stop saying that, feeling that was demeaning and offensive towards people with AD/HD such as me. I got back and worked on my yarn painting some more. Soon after that I talked to my granddad, who I told about my idea to write a letter to Jon Kabat-Zinn asking him to stop quoting the Buddha as to saying everyone has ADHD and about how as an autistic I feel so underrepresented in Buddhism, and he said I he thought my letter was a good idea and that I had a lot of good points that he never thought about before. Then I worked on another coaster. After running I talked to Dad, who liked my letter idea. Then I worked on my yarn painting some more. After that I talked to Tyler, and I promised to call him again tomorrow.

The next day worked more on my yarn painting. Soon after that I had dinner with Jess, Josh, Drake, and Larry. After that I worked more on my bottle cap wind chimes and found a place to store all of them in my old hot glue stick bags in my old jellybeans bag. Then I started another receipt coaster. I also ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn. Soon after that I realized I might not need to worry about feeling unappreciated at UCM for my autism work because Teigan might be coming here next year. After that I went down to Break Time and got two packs of beef jerky and Doritos. On my way back I picked up and recycled a bottle I found on the ground. When I got back, I talked to Tyler and decided each time I talked to him I would praise his advice because it makes him feel good, and in some ways, he does have good advice. I also saw how he can be much smarter than people think. 

I worked more on one of my plarn belts. As I took a shower, I decided that since I only had two Vyvanse pills left, I would skip them the next day or the day after that so I could take them on Thursday and drive home them. I went down to Walgreen’s to get them refilled, but they said it was too early. Never-the-less I did pick up and recycle several recyclables I found on the ground and picked up several receipts which I used to complete three more receipt coasters when I got back. I also realized that if I focused less on my feelings of being unappreciated as an autism advocate, of being unsupported, and how dire the task were, I might be more productive in coming up with ideas, and that, if stimming can help one regulate one’s focus, one could also use it to focus on the things that make them happy. Later I turned my form for the testing center into Dr. Yelton. Then I went down to the bank, deposited my check from my grandmom, and got several quarters. I got back and did some laundry, during which time I worked on my crochet belt. I also decided not to focus so much on my love life for a while, so I’ll have less stress over that and be more able to focus on the group. After that I had dinner with Josiah, Tyler (different Tyler), and a few of Tyler’s friends. I got back from the Rec Center and started two coasters. After that I went to Late Night where I joined Josiah and Josh. Later I worked more on my final papers for my American Renaissance class.

The next day I vacuumed my room. Then I took out my trash and recycling. After that I cleaned them out.  I also signed on to Pinterest. Then I ate with Jacob and Josh in the cafeteria. I ran on the treadmill while I worked on my plarn belt. I also worked on my final papers for my American Renaissance class. That night I hung out with Josiah and Josh in my room. The next day I went to all three of my exams, making some plarn in between my first and second one, got checked out of my dorm by Jess, and drove home with my mom. 

 

 

 

Autism Acceptance Month Week 4

The next day I started getting back to reading The Goddess and the Bull. On Wednesday I went to a Sex Education Egg Hunt in the football field near Ellis where I met Mardy and we found several eggs, which had condoms, and also these strange, much larger female condoms. On Thursday I went with Hillary, Phillip, and Mardy to an Egg Hunt near the Union, where Hillary told me how some friends from Alpha Sigma Alpha explained to her how the female condoms we found at the egg hunt were used.

             “How do they know this?” I asked.

             “Because they participate in a lot of these functions."

             “What!"

Later I went on Blackboard, and I found out that I had gotten fifty out of fifty points on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. On Friday I got the pictures and texts all together for my Autism Acceptance Month poster and Barbara sent me an e-mail about a mentoring group for THRIVE students on the spectrum, where I could share my ideas and help attract a core group of THRIVE students to my group. I e-mailed her saying I thought that was good idea, and she e-mailed me back saying she would bring it up at the next THRIVE meeting. After all that I made a wallet from Kool-Aid packs, which I got several favorable comments on over the next few days. I spent two hours outdoors while reading The Goddess and the Bull, and also took my Bilbo wood burning with me, as they say in Zen that any finished art piece can be an object of meditation, and to me it was a meditation on taking a risk and stepping out of your front door. On Saturday I started typing up my papers for my World Archaeology class and Film Appreciation class. I also took several miksang photos while managing to slow down in my life. On Sunday I realized my poster board I had gotten from the Union wasn’t big enough to hold the stuff I was going to put on the poster board, so I walked down to Walgreen’s in the rain and found a different one, and ended up getting splashed by a puddle moved a van driving by me. When I got back I still didn’t know any way to print off the pictures, and after much frustration, I found one at the computer center in the library at 11:40 at night, which printed color documents for twenty-five cents, though I had already paid for documents I printed off in black-and-white without having first realized I had to set the printer to color. I got back and finished my poster board and Sinho asked to get a picture so he could show it to his girlfriend in South Korea. 

 

                On Monday morning I went to the Union at eight and set up the poster. I spent much of the rest of the day finishing The Goddess and the Bull outside with a drink from Einstein’s, which brought up much memories for me, and by the end of the day I hadn’t gotten to my weekly posts for Autism Acceptance Month. The next day however, after getting a picture of a poster near my World Archaeology class of a famous celebrity shaking hands with Saddam Hussein, and getting myself a coffee drink as a reward for my efforts, I got done three posts for The Autist Dharma: Me Casa Su Casa (If I Can Manage): A Forum on Independent Living, Someone Stole Your Identity?  How Bad Do You Want it Back on Charles Darwin’s (another autistic’s) contribution to forensic science, and a post called Towards RealAutism Awareness, describing the social/cultural model of autism as opposed to the medical model. The next day I found out someone had the third post on Google. The next day I found a mint in the Ellis stairwell that encouraged me to keep going through my day and finally managed to finish my book report for The Goddess and the Bull. I also took more time to slow down and got some more miksang photos. I accidentally missed the mandatory meeting for my hall, but Maria saw me and told me it was ok and told me all I needed to do to check out.

 

 

Autism Acceptance Month Week 3

On Tuesday after my World Archaeology class had gotten out, I went to the computer lab in the Union, and suddenly I thought, I ought to ask Laci to get coffee and hear about her presentation. At the thought I became increasingly nervous, but then I found a lump, right in the right pocket of my jacket: it was the stone Teresa had given me, and suddenly I remembered my promise to her, “Love someone who will love you the way you deserve to be loved.” I typed up the e-mail with great trepidation, and then, petrified, I clicked “Send.” A rush of excitement moved throughout my body. I e-mailed my paper for my World Archaeology class to Dr. Yelton by 5, as he had asked. I looked at my e-mail list, and saw no response, but then suddenly I realized I had earned something. I went on Amazon and ordered The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey flute solo book. 

On Wednesday I came to the Humphrey’s building to take my general education test, and it went so long that I ended up arriving four minutes late for the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group Bingo Night, as opposed to my usual fifteen minutes before the meeting time. On my way I saw Hillary.

“Hey, Ben,” she said. “How are you?”

“Good, just tired of so many immature people.”

“Tell me about it,” she said, sympathetically. “Well, I’ll see you later.”

Again, only Tom had shown up for, and then I rushed to the Office of Student Activities to bet a Bingo roller and sheets. Soon the balls ended up coming out of the cage.

“Damn it!” I said and began picking up the balls. Tom helped me.

“Thanks, Tom,” I said, very grateful.

“Sure.”

He ended up winning one game, I won the next, and he won the last one before we ran out of time and cleaned up.

On Thursday finished my shelf for my toilet paper roll diorama made from beer cans. I called my mom and asked her if she could bring me home on Saturday morning rather than Thursday as I planned to go to an event that hosted all these different African foods hosted by the African Student Association at the UCM café Rock the Burg on Friday at 5. On Friday I took all my glass down to the Johnson County Sheltered Workshop, where I found six new bottle caps for my collection around the glass recycling. I saw a beautiful creek and got a picture of Whitman Air Force Base on the way. However, that day I went to Rock the Burg at 5:50 and saw the tickets were $5, which I had in my bank account at UCM, but when I rushed to the bank, I only had $16 in my account, so I rushed to the Ellis ATM, but as I got there, I found out I had left my student ID at the Union, and I went back and could not find it. It would probably turn up by Monday, but until then, I couldn’t withdraw money, couldn’t go to the Rec Center, and I couldn’t eat at the dining hall, or go to any restaurants, so I missed dinner that night, but I used that night to work on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa case study paper. I went home the next morning with my mom and got brunch at Arby’s from the drive-through.  Then on the way home we bought some new shoes and a tuxedo for the Down Syndrome Dance at a thrift store. I got my hair cut before I went to the dance and met Tyler and Jack there. Later that day I worked on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa paper.

 

 

 

The next morning my mom gave me a basket full of Easter candy, which helped calm my nerves about all my assignments and deadlines. I met my dad, who had a six-pack of beer with funky Laughing Buddha –shaped bottles called Buddha Beer for my Easter, which he had gotten from Beer Garden in Kansas City and from I’d be able to get a new bottle cap. We met my grandparents at an Italian buffet before they took me back to school. Before I left for UCM, my dad gave me $40 for dinner and breakfast for the next two days until I found my card. Soon after I got back, I ate at Hero’s, finding a new bottle cap along the way, while reading a lot of that week’s reading for my Film Appreciation class. After picking up much trash and recycling, I got back and posted my posts and responses for my Film Appreciation class. I also worked on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa paper. 

The next day I reserved an easel in the Union for my Autism Acceptance Month poster. I went to the Student Success Center at two to try and get someone to look at my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa paper, only to find the Writing Center had moved to the Humphrey’s building. I went there and after it was finished being looked at, and I still forgot to take care of a few errors, I sent it just in time. Afterwards I went to the library and found an article on Roger Smith in the New England Quarterly to do my article summary for my Early American Literature class, which I was only able to stretch to a page long, plus the bibliography, and also had a few technical errors. I still had not gotten my all my Autism Acceptance Month posts done by that day, although after twelve, I finished and posted one post called Eight Facts Your Average Autism Awareness Hawk Doesn’t Know. 

The next day I read all but ten pages for my Early American Literature class before going to that class, dressed in my Styrofoam cowboy hat (which interestingly enough, a classmate pointed out the fact that it had holes in) and my shirt tucked in for my role-playing presentation for my World Archaeology class. I went there, getting up from my seat one desk away from a female classmate (who I tried to get the attention of to get her to move some things off the edge of her desk), and when my turn came, I threw off my shoes, put my feet up on the desk, and gave my presentation as archaeologist Colin Renfaire in a southern accent. After class I went down to the Union and outside, I saw a few girls from Alpha Omicron Pi sorority had a Pie-a-Pi event set up. I went over to them and said, “What’s this for?”

“It’s for Sexual Assault Prevention Month,” said one of the girls.

“Well, that sounds good. Is it still going?” 

“No, we stopped at three.”

“Darn, I’ve been wanting to pie you guys for so long.”

I reached into my wallet and found only a one-dollar bill and the twenty my dad had given me and handed her the twenty.

“Are you sure you want to give this?” asked the girl.

“Yes,” I said.

“Well for that you can pie me. Here.”

She put a bunch of whipped cream on a plate, and got behind the plywood, and I pied her, making sure to rub it in her face. Afterwards I got a picture of her, and a guy near me got a picture of us together. Then I got to work and finished my third weekly post called Something to Think About When You Appreciate Living Without Cold War Hysteria on how Sir Isaac Newton’s (who also was said to have autism) discovery of gravity may have helped the U.S. beat the Russians to the moon, and my other weekly post called Free at Last! Now What?  A Forum on College Life with Autism. I saw my mom had wrote on Facebook that she found my post I wrote the last night interesting and well-written and a friend of hers, who had a son my age who I knew with Asperger syndrome, also found it interesting. I got back and worked on my snack wrapper collage of Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, who was also said to have autism.

 

Autism Acceptance Month Week 2

On Tuesday I went to the Office of Academic Advising and found out they didn’t have me scheduled for that day, so I ended up talking to the girl at the desk and got it rescheduled for 9:30 next Thursday. I also needed to do some laundry while still reading the reading for my Early American Literature class. I did my reading outside on the bench outside Ellis, going in after a half hour to put my laundry in the drawer, then again in another hour to get my laundry hamper upstairs and rush down to the laundry room downstairs, and bring the laundry up another two stairs, and still had twenty pages left of reading for my Early American Literature class. I rushed to that class and got there four minutes late after my instructor had closed the door, but luckily, he opened it when I knocked. 

I found out I gotten ten out of ten points on my last discussion post for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. Afterwards I enjoyed the outdoor weather. During that time, I found a fortune slip that said, “Never underestimate the power of human touch.” I also read a lot of the reading for my World Archaeology class. That evening, I went outside, gathered a lot of sand in from the north stairs of and sidewalk corners around Ellis, put them in on one my Altoids containers, dropped a pebble in it, and racked the sand around to form lines making a Zen garden, which looked so beautiful and tranquil. I got back and got about halfway through Chinatown and decided to try and write an analysis paper on how it uses form and lighting to capture something such as disillusionment of the American dream or other and thought I might really enjoy the world of film scholarship to some extent. I decided to save finishing the rest of the movie for tomorrow when Maria knocked on my door and invited me and the other residents of my hall to an ice cream social, which only Antwon and I went to, but it gave him, Maria, and I a chance to hang out together, which was indeed rather fun. I felt pretty tired after I got up, so I took a three-hour nap, before eating dinner with Mary. I realized my tiredness stemmed from not taking my medicine this morning, which I quickly did. Afterwards I got my stuff from my mom in the mail. After talking to my granddad, I took another nap. I found out my posts and links got even more likes. Then I read the first few pages for my Early American Literature class and took another miksang photo. I took another nap, expecting to fall asleep. Instead, I went to Late Night and had some nachos before reading several more pages of The Goddess and the Bull and learning a lot more in the process and taking notes on it. 

During breakfast Josh asked me if I would like to be in a video for THRIVE, and I told him I would be happy to. I ate with him, Kriti, and Connor, and Kriti told me about the Show Me Justice Film Festival which today was the last day of and how a series of short films was showing from 1:30-3:30 today and then two short films called Wheelchair Diaries and Reframing Islam were showing tonight at seven, and I agreed to try and come. I got an e-mail from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network asking me to submit a statement on the Judge Rotenberg Center by Monday and I typed it up, though I felt frustrated when my computer didn’t let my fill in all the information. I also saw a link from Laci on Facebook about her presentation and commented saying, “Sounds interesting. I’ll have to hear more about it sometime.” I saw the short films that evening, which included a film on how apparently, two parents had been able to help their son recover from his autism with cannabis, yet by the end of the film, I was pretty unconvinced. I did go to the filmmaker’s Q&A, and soon the discussion turned to the connection between social justice and film, and I realized I didn’t want all my socially relevant films to be non-commercial, as most of the filmmaker’s films were, because I could show people that a socially responsible film could in fact make money. I also realized that rather than having to deal explicitly with social justice in my films, I could always follow Chogyam Trungpa’s view of working with film where one tries to incorporate the principles of building an enlightened society as he talked about through the arts, perhaps in a similar way to how Homer tried to  instill good morals in the Greeks through The Odyssey and The Illiad, especially seeing as saving this world, as the discussion turned to how films can get people to go out and vote, is not about converting the world to one party or opinion (e.g. democrat, republican) over another, just as the autistic struggle isn’t, and nor was the Civil Rights movement in Dr. King’s mind. At the end I introduced myself to my Film Appreciation teacher, who I told of my idea for my critical analysis paper, and he liked the idea. I went to The Wheelchair Diaries and Reframing Islam, writing down a haiku that came to me while I waited for the movie to start.  Reframing Islam dealt with Muslims in America who smiled, as opposed to our stereotypical view of angry Muslims. I liked the film, though I was left with some technical questions, and during the Q&A I asked the filmmakers, one of whom was a Muslim from the Middle East, how as I know many Buddhists and Christians who don’t smile regularly, that while I thought the film was good, I thought other film projects could also help change perceptions of Muslims and wondered what projects they were involved in to help due that. To that, the filmmaker answered that his film was rather more intended to use the images of smiling to show what Muslims had in common with the rest of the world. I got back and read a good article from Babble about autism and cannabis, which related so much of what I was thinking, about how it cannot cure autism, and how the effects it treats may be consequences, rather than symptoms of autism, and much more, and shared it on Facebook.

Afterwards I went down to Walgreen’s and got some toothpaste and shampoo. I picked up and sorted several recyclables on my way back. I got back and I saw Laci had liked my comment about her post about her presentation. I worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam and then made several more heart-shaped pins from straws. I talked to my mom who said she shared a link to my blog on Facebook with several of her Facebook friends, including the wife of a famous football player whose son has autism and runs a charitable foundation called the Autism Foundation, and they had great comments, and the wife of the football player planned to show it to her husband. Later I started watching Clerks for my Film Appreciation class, pausing only to eat dinner, where I sat with Connor from THRIVE. Afterwards I watched the rest of Chinatown, and when I finished at 10:50, I rushed down to the library and finished my statement on the Judge Rotenburg Center for the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, my paper on Clerks, and my paper proposal all before midnight. 

The next day I heard about how theonering.net has a poetry series and This Day in Middle Earth series that its members can post on and how Tolkien said he did intend to give Middle Earth creative license to other forms of entertainment. I also read an article that was a photo essay on Tolkien’s influences. After meditating, showering, and eating breakfast I read a lot of the reading for my Early American Literature class, while learning to read one page at a time without rushing, just like I should when I eat. Then I made several more beads from straws after deciding to give myself a little break from my work. After that I found out where I go about my holds on my account from the Testing Center and went there and learned I need to take a general education test now that I’ve taken forty-five different hours. Then I typed up my role-playing paper, getting more in the mind of an archaeologist, as Yelton put it, or so I thought. Then I went to the Union computer lab and wrote my weekly April Autist Dharma post called People to Appreciate After Your Normal College Drinking, about what the world may have been like if Thomas Jefferson had not founded the University of Virginia, then a forum called All You Need is Love (And Interventions) (again, not my best title).  Then I wrote another post called Square Pegs Don’t Roll Off the Table: A Photo Essay on the World Due to Autism.  After that I had to run to the dining hall and got there to minutes before it closed. Then I saw The Autist Dharma had gotten over one hundred views, ninety-nine in the U.S., three in Russia, and one each from Canada, Germany, France, and Spain, and wrote a Facebook post on it about “lighting it up green” for autism, and several other posts. I also talked to Tyler when I got back. 

Autism Acceptance Month Week 1

On the second day I ate lunch with Mary, who told me how she was going to events with her friends from Alpha Omicron Pi for Greek Week. She told me too that she had been invited to the organization like Emily had, though she couldn’t on account of the fact that THRIVE did not permit their students to join these organizations. At the news that Mary was invited, I felt I had really been wrong to think someone who didn’t share my condition would never understand my struggle as I do. As for my book report for my World Archaeology class, I decided to keep my notes on The Goddess and the Bull in my Sayings of the Buddha Journal and read twenty-five pages of each day to help me finish it and I read thirty-seven pages of it. I put up a post on Facebook in honor of Autism Acceptance Month and Greek Week talking about how I had been invited to join Tau Kappa Epsilon, but chose not to as it would interfere with my responsibilities as the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group leader, but, “I told my dad, “’That’s ok, because I live to serve the autistic community of UCM.  They are my brothers, and sisters.’  Our letters: whatever letters are necessary to raise our voice.” I saw Dr. Downing commented on that post saying, “Proud of you, Ben!” After drinking a beer at Crazy Dog’s to help relax me for my World Archaeology exam tomorrow, I learned of the Johnson County Sheltered Workshop, which takes glass and other recyclables. I got lost on my way back in the dark and ended up missing my exercise and Late Night. The next day I took my World Archaeology exam in the Testing Center. The day after that I saw a post on my Facebook wall saying that it has been shown that spending two hours outdoors can greatly cut down on the hormones that cause stress. I decided I would try and do that each day.

                True to my commitment that I had made two try and spend two hours outdoors each day, I sat outside by the Rec Center, reading twenty-five more pages of The Goddess and the Bull, and writing an Autist Dharma post. In it I talked about how April is Autism Acceptance Month, in contrast to Autism Awareness Month, which uses the medical, rather than social model for autism, and each week I planned to post a forum on topics related to autism such as work, love, school, and independent living, as well as posts on what the world may be like if certain autistic individuals had not existed or been the way they were. I also scheduled an appointment with the OAS Office for the next Monday at nine, and I went to the Office of Academic Advising and scheduled an appointment for next Tuesday at 9:30. 

                During brunch the next day I ate with Jai and Kim, who told me Sinho had drank a lot at the TKE party last night, and I learned they all had to live at the fraternity house from Sunday to Wednesday. After they left, I read twenty-five more pages of The Goddess and the Bull near the table at the Rec Center. I also found out that I had a Film Appreciation test this week, and rushed to the library to take it, hoping I wasn’t too late, and thankfully, it turned out it was due at midnight the next night. I took it and got thirty-four out of forty questions right. Then I checked out ten books from the library on Somalia (one on Djibouti for its connections to the conflict in Somalia) deciding to do my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa case study paper on the Somalian conflict, and found that for my thesis which we have to do on what this demonstrates for African politics as a whole, I thought I would talk about the negative ripple effects of the Cold War on Africa. I texted my mom asking her to send my one of my books at home Surrender or Starve: Travels in Ethiopia, Sudan, Somalia, and Eritrea by Robert D. Kaplan to help my write it, along with my bullet-ridden Styrofoam cowboy boy hat for my World Archaeology class. Afterwards I walked down to Hasting’s and bought the new issue of Mindful and Do it Yourself, the latter of which I learned to do needlepoint in. I also decided just to collect those two magazines from now on. As I walked back to UCM, I ate at Crazy Dog’s where I had an Angry Orchid and some hot wings, which I enjoyed particularly tonight as I decided to eat them more mindfully, including waiting until they had cooled down, and they tasted delicious. I got back and I gathered some more bottle caps for my wall fish. Then I sorted some recycling in Ellis.  Then I went down to a gas station, thinking of getting some chocolates, but remembering Mindful’s words on choosing snacks carefully choose some liquorish, and bought some Smirnoffs.  On my way back I also managed to pick up some recyclables again. When I got back, I decided to quit keeping a regular meditation journal as it just was hard with all the demands in my life and instead try to put that and my daily life in one journal. I also started reading A Modern History of the Somali in the second-floor lounge. 

                As Monday, the deadline for those weekly Autist Dharma posts for April came, I went to my appointment with Dr. Mayfield, and we talked about how I planned to make an Autism Acceptance Month poster. She also said she noticed I seemed troubled over the last few days, and I said I was simply in grief over Hook and Reeder, who had helped the THRIVE program, whom I had met, and knew several of my friends. She told me that was quite normal to be stricken by the deaths of young people, especially as a young person. I did also tell her how I was sort of troubled because ever since my breakup with Emily I was wondering whether I would meet a girl I find mature enough to date and had struggled with some prospects over that issue. Eventually, after finding she had good advice on that issue, we got back to the issue of the poster, and she suggested it would be a good idea to have a quote from a famous person with autism related to living in the world with autism. We also came up with the idea to send an e-mail out to the new-coming THRIVE and UCM students to give them some time to think about joining the group. I got back to the Union and wrote my first Autist Dharma post for the day, a question forum called What are You Working for (not my best title) on employment. I wrote my second post called Loss of Football Closure and Other Discomforts of an Alternative World talking about what the world might be like for us if Albert Einstein’s discoveries with electrons had not helped perfect television. Then I wrote and posted a third post called Coming Out of the Autism Closet: The Joys and Benefits of Revealing One’s Condition. 

Great Losses

The next morning I made a braided leather bracelet and read my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa textbook while I was at breakfast. I also realized I’m doing a lot of good for the autistic community by providing information on local resources. Then I worked on some bracelets, which will have some Thich Nhat Hanh quotes, and some necklaces, which will say “UCM,” made from my leather scraps. I also ate dinner with Alex, Anna, Amanda, and Kriti, the former of who told me Culture Night is next Saturday at 6. She also told me of the Thai iced tea they had down at Siam.

I got back and read that Zen teaches that any art, whether painting, calligraphy, or tea ceremony, can be an object of meditation when they are finished. I watched a lot of The Bicycle Thief and was amazed that I was able to pick up on some of the Italian with the help of the English subtitles.  While running, I read a lot of the reading for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class and talked to Jacob and Wonyang. When I got back I told my granddad how I had started growing tired of arts and crafts, including flute-playing and photography, and would have loved to do something like archery, or even horse-back riding, one of the eight original contemplative arts, of it were available in this environment, and he said I had a lot of talent and needed to take some time for myself. I almost felt as if I had no work this weekend. I thought while I took a shower that I could pay my flute outside as few people will be out there in that weather, and I could use it to lift the spirits of people walking in this weather, but also that I could do some rock-climbing at the Rec Center, which could be a meditation on bravery, and I could invite Sinho along, as well as Hillary and Philip if they’d be willing to brave this weather. I read about a lot of the Tibetan Buddhist saints in my Lonely Planet books trying to get a perspective on my creative apathy, and I read that many of them were poets, singers (I play the flute, as I’m not much of a singer most times), artists, activists, and inventors, and suddenly I felt more connected to my usual passions, and that somehow, all was truly wonderful.

                The next morning I figured out more of my travel plans to Tibet. After meditating and showering I ate breakfast with Autrey. I got back and collected some sand on my floor from my shoes into one of my Altoids tins. I watched more of The Bicycle Thieves. Then I had dinner with Connor before getting back to watching finishing the movie. I also started on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa post which I didn’t finish today because it was due for full credit today at 3, not 12, and it now basically doesn’t matter when I get it in before the deadline. After running I finished my Film Appreciation paper. I also took a shower again to keep myself awake for my meditation journal. 

    

The next day I also ate munch with Anna, Oscar, Mary, and Levi. Afterwards I saw a link Laci had shared about a fundraiser that was to something to do with helping people who dealt with a loss, but I hardly could pay attention in my dazed state of mind and liked it instantly. I realized that she could really be nervous about her presentation, which I could understand from going on television with Chris Hernandez. I also took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal with another shower. 

I sorted some more recycling before going to bed the next morning. Later I also saw Barbara liked my warrior picture, and Jamie liked my post about Alexis Wineman’s call for acceptance, and that Brittany Pallone from my high school, and Michael liked my post on the Combat Autism Act. I ate at Siam afterwards and had some delicious Thai Iced Tea for the first time with my meal. I got back and made another heart-shaped pin from straws. I worked on my yarn made from plastic bags while I ran on the treadmill. I got back and I talked to Tyler and wished him a happy birthday, then to my dad, while I worked made another flower and two more heart-shaped pins from straws, and my dad told me that if one girl can like Tyler, then so can another. At Late Night I worked on my plarn for my bag.

I wrote my thank you note to Uncle Andy and Aunt Marge, and then read a lot of the reading for my Film Appreciation class, during which time I decided to check out and watch some of those films they mention on DharmaFlix and other Buddhist reviews, especially the comedy ones like American Beauty, to help figure out my filmmaking style some more. Then I mailed my note before going to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group meeting. There we decided to e-mail agendas to people to get their interest level up, while Barbara thought of some potential guest speakers such as a man who started a sports team for people with disabilities, which could cause people in my group to join and introduce others who might join to my group, and someone from the speech clinic, while I suggested someone from Trio. I also decided we could send out a Survey Monkey survey to the THRIVE students about what times would work for them and what activities they would like, and that I could invite the THRIVE students to an informal gathering in the Chic Filet area so I could speak to them about the group, and get together to see a movie at the Union theater with THRIVE students as well as Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and invite members and potential members along, and send e-mails out to the heads of groups like the Association of Student Social Workers and the Psychology Club, to forward to their members in case they’re interested, and Barbara told me that there’s an organization of education and special education students. I realized that the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group having eighty members should really spread a lot of awareness about autism and in a small town like Warrensburg it could do a lot more, and Barbara suggested we could open up the group to high school students in Warrensburg. She also liked my idea of me giving prizes to the THRIVE program for their award ceremonies.  She also said the sorority that helped set up the THRIVE formal may be willing to help us.

“What sorority was that?” I asked.

“Alpha Sigma Alpha.”

I saw my mom had thanked me for sending her the petition about the Combat Autism Act and said she would see what she could do. Then I set up another meeting for next Wednesday, and e-mailed Sean asking if he could send me all the papers we used for the JCCC group when he had the chance, though I later found out I sent it to the wrong address. I worked some more on my yarn while running and when I got back I told my dad about all the ideas Barbara and I had for the group, and he thought they were really good. Then at Late Night, I saw Hillary and Philip, and worked on my yarn.  Again I took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal.

The next morning I had lunch with Anna and another THRIVE, both of whom saw me and just sat down next to me, while I read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I also decided to use the wood I found for wood burning and buy balsa wood, or whatever my dad said is the softest type of wood preferred by woodcarvers, to carve Buddha and Merlin figurines student, I did see Laci walking by after class, too far from me for me to greet her, though she saw me, and indeed there was a touch of fear in her face. Then I got back and worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam, which I decided to just to give one of away for door prizes. I also talked to my granddad, who liked all the ideas Barbara and I came up with yesterday. I read more of the reading for my Film Appreciation class afterwards. Then I found out I got a ten out of ten on last week’s post for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. I watched Bartholomew’s Song, and wrote and saved my post for it, though I didn’t yet post it as the computer wouldn’t let me, and I found out it’s not due for full credit until Sunday so I didn’t have to take care of it just now. Later that night I talked to my mom who also liked our ideas for the group before going down to a gas station and getting some snacks, including two bottled drinks with new caps for my collection, including, for the sake of collecting, a Monster Energy drink. On my way back I picked up several more recyclables, and when I got to my dorm I found that, to my surprise, the Monster Energy drink did not taste so bad, though I didn’t think I would be drinking it again. 

The next morning, before going to bed, I realized that I really gave Emily a reason to like me when she, Jack, and I were at a drugs and alcohol talk and the speaker asked us all if we had ever lost a loved one due to drugs and alcohol, and Emily, who had, started crying and I caressed her back, and the next morning in class the subject of a friend of hers who died a long time ago came up, and she started crying, and I caressed her back again, and she started crying and I caressed her back, and when Jack’s mom died and she started crying I put my arm around her. I also had a dream where Emily was staying near me for a while and talked to me in a very romantic voice as though she hadn’t realized we hadn’t talked for the last few months and wondered if that meant we were back together if I wanted it to be so, which I wouldn’t have minded in the dream, though I realized we would still be in a long-distance relationship. After meditating and showering, I looked up ‘ex-girlfriend’ in the dream dictionary, and it said it doesn’t necessarily mean you still have feelings for the girl, but that you’ve come a long way since the relationship, but you can also perhaps have fond memories of it, and something about that relationship may be manifesting in a current relationship. I took my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa test and I’m most certain I did well on it and may even have gotten one hundred.  Then I saw on Laci’s Facebook page a fund for the families of two female UCM students in Alpha Sigma Alpha who had been killed in a car wreck on March 1^st, and I realized Laci probably knew them through Greek interaction, so I posted on her page saying I would attend the vigil on the 12th, which I read about in the e-mail, and that I was of a mind that she knew those students and in that case I wanted to offer my condolences as much and as powerfully as I could, though it’s just not enough, and I shared the link on my page, wishing much metta to the girls and their loved ones. I somehow thought back strongly to Emily. I also learned I later posted a post about a vigil for disability advocates who were murdered by their trusted caregivers, wishing them much metta, which Brittany liked very quickly.  I invited several friends to like the National Council on Independent Living and the Kansas Center for Autism Research and Training, and Elizabeth accepted my invitation to the first and Jamie and Britney accepted my invitation to K-CART.  Two friends unfriended me perhaps because of all these invitations, but that was ok as I don’t need them. I ate dinner later with Connor, Mary, and Paige.  I also talked to my granddad about what I did with Laci and he said I had a way with words and was bound to show Laci I was thinking of her and the circle of people affected by these deaths, and it would mean a lot to Laci, and that how I comforted Emily gave her all the more reason to like me.  I worked on my plarn some more on the treadmill, and when I got back I talked to my dad, who was sure that my words to Laci would mean a lot to her, who I suddenly felt so bad for, along with many others.  I called my dad again to ask him what was considered to be the best wood for woodcarving and he said bass, which you could get on Amazon. I then went down to Break Time and got a new non-crown bottle cap from my drink there and some Altoids, and picked up and recycled some recyclables on my way back. I made another heart-shaped pin and three more flowers from straws. I called my mom to tell her I was doing well on medication and she said she had some new bottle caps for me from Hawaii. I took a shower again to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized that it was kind of interesting that Emily kept having ways to bring up her friend’s deaths and cried so many times. Somehow, not as if these two things were related, I remembered Facebook also told me that Emily was a mutual friend of Laci’s, perhaps from the Rush Week, where Emily had been invited to her organization. Something was going on in my head, yet at the time I seemed to be unable to make heads or tails of it. 

That next morning however I did not get one second of sleep. I could not help but think of the girls, Erin Hook and Jennifer Reeder, and the people who were affected by it, and I knew all too well why. I thought of the parents and how the heard of this accident with no warning on what seemed like an ordinary day and what caused it would never change. I cried unable to help myself, and as I waited for a video on my phone on the deaths to come up, I simply panicked saying, “Come on!”  As Sinho heard me moaning as if I had been stabbed, he said calmly, “Are you alright? Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine, Sinho. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Ah, no, no, no.”

I also suddenly felt it was interesting to note that when Emily had cried about the loss of her friends two years ago while in our Learning Strategies class, and I caressed her back, I remembered our teacher, Mrs. Carter smiled at me and said, “Ben, it’s ok.” Moreover, I remembered how for one of our assignments on goal setting, I put “find a girlfriend,” and during the THRIVE meeting I had with her (something all students did), she mentioned that goal, and offered as a bit of friendly advice to, “surround myself with friends and when I least expected it, it would happen,” remarkably similar to what my granddad had said when he heard Emily and I were dating. I felt better as I ate with Mary, Anna, and Paige, who all planned to go down to Planet Sub with anyone who would come, and I said I’d come if they’d like that, and Mary said very serenely that I could come and hang out with them whenever I wanted. I remembered how Buddhism teaches that love is the bond that awakens us all from our illusion of separateness, which is in fact, the source of our suffering. I went down with Oscar and Paige-Mary went home for that day-and I heard Ryan knew the two girls. I went down to Ryan’s room and gave him my condolences and offered to go down to the vigil on Wednesday, and he appreciated it, hugged me, and lent me a shirt for the service. Ryan also said the THRIVE group might meet on Monday at 7:30 in the Ellis TV Lounge. I decided I would make those coasters for Aunt Laura over the break and donate a portion of the money to the scholarship fund created in one of the girl’s honor, and another portion to the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I also wrote a post on my other blog The Autist Dharma, wishing all the loved ones of Hook and Reeder my condolences, and then (partly for feeling I had to reward my viewers for reading a post that was not directly autism or Buddhism-related, wrote a post evaluating a summit meeting on autism in November of 2013. It had been my first two Autist Dharma posts in months, even if only one was what I intended to do with the blog, and really wanted to go out and celebrate. I went to the Culture Night, where one performance that interested me was the Buddhist dance from Korea, and I videotaped several performances until my camera had no more memory. I went back to my dorm and went to sleep without writing in my meditation journal as I was so tired and felt so bad because I promised to write in here the next day, for my children, and felt a little annoyed.  

The next morning I realized that you can remember the great times you have with people like those girls without feeling sorrow, like I do about many things in my life that have come to pass, and that my thoughtfulness towards the people affected will show I can appreciate what they feel. I also realized that I helped quite a few THRIVE students and Horizon students by being a role model for good social skills, and that I could take more pictures by getting some on my computer and deleting them on my phone. That day I ate with Antwon and made a lot of plarn for a belt, but got so frustrated as it could tangled up and I got short with Sinho as he tried to help and shook the plarn in my anger and the yarn seemed to whip him in his face.

“Ow, you hit me.”

“Oh, Sinho. I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, feeling guilty, and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “It’s ok.”

When I ran on the treadmill, I didn’t even bother sorting the recycling because I was too tired. I did make a lot of progress on the belt, which I wanted for the vigil so I could have a nice belt, as my current one was very raggedy. 

 

The next day I did a lot of work on my belt, and the day after that I got up early to read some reading for my Early American Literature class and do some laundry. Patty, the kind elderly woman who worked at the swipe-in counter, saw my belt and inquired. I told her about it and she nodded sympathetically. She also said, “Honey, you’re shaking. You need to eat more.” I heard in my Early American Literature class a person saying that one of the girls, an elementary education major, made some kids at the Warrensburg school stop wearing those bracelets that said “Boobies,” and that there were so many more important things going on. I did not feel upset about how they talked about Hook. On the contrary, I felt rather glad for them: I was happy they could be so unaffected, unlike how I was. I saw on Alpha Sigma Alpha’s Facebook page that Philip liked several posts about the girls, and saw Hillary had changed her Facebook picture to those girl’s pictures and knew them. I felt better thinking of the bottle caps Mom had for me and when I saw some apple pie in the cafeteria. I went down to Crazy Dog’s thinking that if I had both apple pie and found another bottle cap that night, it was a sign that universe wanted me to be happy, and I got two new bottle caps from a soda and a beer, and would get a new bottle cap from a different beer the next night. I didn’t enjoy it like I would have because I saw a girl sitting at a table and on the back of her shirt it said “Alpha Sigma Alpha,” and I wanted to wish her my condolences and finish my beer so I could leave afterwards if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I figured She won’t enjoy those girls for the rest of her life, so I can give up enjoying beer for one night, and I said I realized she was from ASA, and after I wished her my condolences, her face just lit up and she thanked me. 

The next day I also finished my belt. I also got a new bottle cap from a beer that, this time, I decided to savor at Crazy Dog’s. I sorted some recycling at the Rec Center as usual. I called Hillary via Ryan’s phone and we agreed to go down together with Ryan, Philip, and Mardy. I told her about how I had cried over the loss and she seemed rather surprised, as well as touched by it. She said she had also lost a pet and a grandparent this semester.  I asked Hillary, “These two girls, did they have boyfriends?”

“Yes,” said Hillary.  “And they are just devastated!”

I thought though that the girl’s significant others would learn to love from this experience in a way that would enrich any relationship they had in a year from now, which is often how long it takes to move on. I realized there’s more to grief than mourning: there’s rediscovering your identity. I realized that I however, have always had something to give me an identity. 

I saw Hillary the next morning and she agreed with me on the girl’s boyfriends. I also met John as I met with Hillary after her Trio classes. I realized the kindness I show the people suffering is contagious, and the kindness I show people in general is contagious, as is the kindness you show all people about anything. As I was going down to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group Game Night I saw Laci going in that direction, and I said, “Hi, how are you?” and she smiled widely, looking me straight in the eye and said, “Good. How are you?” She did look kind of shaken as she looked at me.  She walked down to the end of the hallway where our room was, only to go up the stairs in a direction that she could have taken on the floor above me.

Tom was at Game Night and I felt truly myself there, but still very shaken by the girl’s deaths. I went down to Crazy Dog’s and got that other bottle cap there and had a beer to make up for the one I hadn’t enjoyed the last night. As I walked back I picked up some recyclables and a woman at the Campus House saw me doing that there and called out “Thank you,” to me. Ryan came to my room and I gave him a brownie from the game night that Barbara had made, hoping to give one to Hillary, Philip, and Mardy, but Ryan and I ended up meeting the others at Mardy’s room. At the vigil I let Ryan and another guy use my candle to light theirs and had my arm around Hillary and Ryan a lot of the time.  Candle light always seemed to have something moving to it, and I thought perhaps that was why it has been used for meditation in the Tibetan Buddhist faith. I teared up when I heard one of the girl’s friends hear about how the girl’s died when she was expecting to hang out with them after work in her hometown an hour’s drive away, and how one of the girl’s was going to be an aunt. Of all of us, Mardy seemed to be the most composed of the group, though I thought to myself that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I saw Mckenzie, and went up to her and asked if she was alright, and she looked me straight in the eye and said she was.  I asked Emily from my Drawing I class, who teared up in a friend’s arms if she was alright and she said she was ok. Afterwards, the five of us went down to New China Buffet together, talking about the girls, and I organized a toast to them. I also heard Hillary say no one had heard from Emily and they didn’t even know if she was still alive. I said, “Well I guess Emily was a little immature.

The next morning I thought of how the significant others may need a year or so to move on, but even then, in that time, they may develop fondness and closeness for people around them. That next day I felt much better about the girls, though still too tired to read that much of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I realized some days are just harder than others, and whatever we need to do to grief, we just need to do. As the day progressed however, I thought of what Hillary said about Emily and my heart starting aching and I couldn’t focus on anything else. I had said the night before that she was a typical immature attention-loving college girl. I wished I had said she was loyal, selfless, hard-working, brave, polite, and a good friend. She invited me to everything she went to, stuck by my whenever I vented my about anything Cassie-related on her or Jack, always interested in hearing about what was going on with Cassie and I, and comforted me when it looked bleak, even though she liked me, was at Jack’s mom’s funeral with me, knew her rights as someone with ADHD in school and was able to stand up for herself, and was very good with children. Had Emily joined Alpha Omicrom Pi, as she had been invited to, would they have given her such a wonderful vigil? I felt Emily deserved it at least as much as Hook and Reeder. As I entered my World Archaeology class and sat down, Yelton seemed to have some sympathy to his demeanor that I had not noticed in him before. I was relieved anyway to find gotten a ninety-five percent on my test which he handed back. 

I did find out Emily was alive though and that her grandfather at age seventy-five had died on December 4^th. As my mom arrived at UCM, I was relieved to hear her say, “I guess you’re kind of tired to drive, huh?” 

I explained to her that this was indeed the case, and how the girl’s deaths had affected me.  She was shocked, considering I had only met them once or twice at the THRIVE formals, and said, “As hard as it is, people do move on.” 

I told her about Emily, and after talking about it for a few minutes, she said, “Ben, I wonder, maybe a girl who would be best is for you is,” she paused, and continued, “a girl on the spectrum: someone who understands what you have.” 

I sighed. Part of me in fact, still had trouble resisting that idea. I also thought a great deal back to Cassie, and thought how strange it was that so many of the things I loved about her-her socially isolated sort of existence, her often frantic desire to keep up with all her school demands, her messy hair, her youthful looks, her incredible singing voice, and her pursuit of a helping profession-were all things that Tania Marshall, the world’s leading specialist in girls with Asperger syndrome, mentioned in girls as common traits of Asperger syndrome. I also knew that had Cassie been still at UCM, she would have indeed been very comforting and compassionate towards my grief over these girls. 

After I got home I talked to Erin to plan for us to get together over Spring Break, so we could both give each other our Christmas and birthday presents we had gotten each other,and catch up on our lives. She seemed very friendly after I had told her about the girls and how I broke down in tears over them. A few minutes later I saw on my phone a text that said, “Hey.”

“Hey.” I replied. “Who is this?”

“Emily.”

“I’m sorry which Emily?  It’s just I know a lot of Emily’s.”

“From THRIVE.”

We started texting back and forth, as if we had never gone a long period without talking, and eventually I told her how two girls who we met at the THRIVE formal and with the sorority that organized it, had died in a car wreck.

“Aww.” She texted. I mentioned to her that I had broken down in tears after hearing about it, and at the vigil.

“Aww.  Im sorry.”  She texted back.

“Thank you.” I texted her. 

I guess Emily had not wanted to be my girlfriend still. That was ok. Part of me believed, hoped, felt, or perhaps knew that something great appeared to be on its way, even if it ever seemed unlikely to me, or anyone, that it was in fact a good thing for me.