Back to School Mule-Style

I scooped Peter’s litter box, read my Lonely Planet Turkey and Central Asia books, and cuddled Peter before my dad picked me up and took me to Warrensburg. He gave me his presents, a Native American flute and a build-your-own ocarina kit, and I opened Mom’s, a Leadville, Colorado shirt, and Uncle Todd’s, Aunt Laura’s, Abby’s, and Eric’s, a book on paper art and an ecofriendly sketchbook. Then Dad and I ate at Crazy Dog’s before he took me to UCM, and we got all unpacked. After that, I got my room all organized. Then I made another bracelet from leather, as I had promised to make every day before the silent auction for the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City. I also did some more of my word search from Colorado. I went to the mandatory floor meeting where we introduced ourselves, and told everyone our major, hometown, and hoe old we were. When it was my turn I said, “My name is Ben Edwards, I’m from Mission Hills, my major is Cultural Studies, and I’m twenty-five years old, which I just turned today.”

             Right away, everyone started clapping and singing, “Happy birthday to you.”

Mardy and I filled out our roommate agreement form. Then we went to the Mule Kick-off where I saw my friend from middle school and friend on the autism spectrum Ian Sneid, I talked to him and during that time I learned he was living in South Yeater hall, and I told him about the group.

             “Anyway, if you want to come, you’re welcome to,” I told him.

             “I’ll think about it,” he said.

I also met Paige there, a new THRIVE student with Down syndrome. Mardy and I then went to the THRIVE hall and met Blair, another new THRIVE student with Down syndrome, and hung out with her, Mary, her roommate, and Jade. Afterwards we went to see The Secret Life of Walter Mitty on the lawn of the Central Baptist Student Union.

The next day I had breakfast with a new student in Ellis who is getting to know new people here.  Then I read over some more of my Lonely Planet Turkey book. Afterwards I had lunch with some people from my hall. I also went to the library where I saw several birthday wishes for me on my Facebook page. To show my autistic pride, I changed my Facebook name from ‘Ben Edwards’ to ‘Ben Edwards Au’ in reference to the chemical symbol for gold, which are the first two letters in ‘autistic,’ prompting members of the autistic community to launch “Light it Up Gold,” as opposed to Autism Speaks’ medical autism model based Light it Up Blue, and for many autistics on Facebook, including several of my autistic Facebook friends to add Au to the ends of their names to.  It would take sixty days for the change to take effect. Then I ate dinner with the people on my hall including Drake, a tall dark young man with a crew cut; Alex, a tall black man; Josiah with dark spikey hair; Cameron, a short dark-haired girl; and Sara with bright shoulder-length blond hair. I got back and talked to Granddad, who liked my idea for the Facebook name, thinking it was a good idea just like my porcupine picture. Then I went to the hypnotist with people from my hall where I go to know several of them.  After I got back, I went down to Break Time and got some beers.

The next day began both my Anthropology of Food class and my American Renaissance class. Before my Creative Problem-Solving class, which started fifteen minutes after the latter of the two other classes finished, Hillary texted me saying she needed help finding her two o’clock class, which took place right across the hall from my American Renaissance class, so I waited for her near the Rec Center and took her back up to that hall to help her find her class with five minutes left until my next class started, making it there just in time. After I got out of class I got out of class and bought a new poster of Albert Einstein and a print of Andy Warhol, two individuals reputed to be autistic. I got back and spent some time with Hillary and Mardy before running on the treadmill for half an hour, trying not to start at my usual time of about an hour after three whole months without running. I got back and got a birthday card and check from my grandmother. Then I hung out with Hillary and Mardy.  Hillary left temporarily to take care of some business, during which time I made another bracelet. Hillary got back and she, Mardy, and I hung out, sharing a beer with them and going down to Break Time to get some ice cream with them, during which time we agreed to walk together for a bit of time every day, and I got some more Altoids.

The next day I went down to the Ward Edwards building and got my laptop registered with the UCM wi-fi. Then I deleted several of my old e-mails and sorted them a little bit.  Afterwards I went to help Hillary get her printer set up. Later I got two new prints, a print of Andy Warhol’s depiction of Marilyn Monroe and a print of Johnny Deep from one of his films, both of these individuals having been believed to be autistic. Then I got back and turned two of the now empty printer cartridges from Hillary’s printer into paper weights one with a Jesus drawing and the other of Muhammad Ali and started on one of Mother Teresa. After that I went to dinner with my hall where I almost think I spotted Jess checking me out. I got back and finished my paper weight depicting Mother Teresa, and then did another one depicting Gandhi. After that I ran on the treadmill for forty minutes. I got back and talked to Dad. Then I got a call from Mom saying my tuition had been paid. Afterwards I went to the library and checked out Ralph Waldo Emerson’s Nature for my America Renaissance class, and some Lonely Planet books on Kenya and Tanzania.

The next day I read a lot of Nature after my Anthropology of Food class while drinking some coffee. After my last class I went to the Union computer lab where I happened to run into Maria, who said she saw my blogs and Facebook page during the summer and thought they were very interesting. I also learned she was living in East Ellis and was no longer working as a CA. I sat next to her in the lab while I took the syllabus quiz for my Creative Problem-Solving class and e-mailed a list of textbooks I need to my dad. I got back to Ellis where I had dinner with people from my hall. After dinner I made another bracelet. Then I worked more on making Facebook pages for my blogs.  After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I read more of Buddhist Boot Camp, which taught me about how power self-talk is, like when I think I cannot change the world for autistics with Autism Speaks in the way. I got back and started teaching myself Arabic from the Rumi book I got. Then I went to Break Time where I got some more beers and Doritos.

The next morning, I ate breakfast with Shay, Alex, and Anna, during which Anna asked me about the group and said she was the new THRIVE student organization president and the organization would call me about speaking to them about my group. I went to an appointment with Barbara Mayfield, the Autism Spectrum Support Group advisor from the Office of Accessibility Services. During the meeting, we thought we would ask Tom, an Autism Spectrum Support Group member and THRIVE student who was the only one to come to most of our meeting last year, to be our vice president, especially as it may attract some THRIVE students. I of course also made another bracelet. The next day I had breakfast with Anna and dinner with my hall. I also finished reading Buddhist Boot Camp.  After that I went down to Hasting’s for the first time in a while and got the current issue of Sufi magazine, Nobel: A Century of Prize Winners, a new translation of The Art of War, and Tai Chi Classics. Then I went to Walgreen’s and got some shampoo and a notebook for my Creative Problem-Solving class. After that I went to Crazy Dog’s and got a new bottle cap for my collection from my drink. 

The next morning, I had breakfast with Jess and several other people from my hall and in Ellis. After that I went down to the sheltered workshop, where I saw some hay barrels that I had never noticed before on my way, picking up several recyclables and repurposables along the way and recycling all the recyclables I brought and found two new bottle caps for my collection, and on my way back I picked up and recycled more recyclables and found more repurposables. Then I made another bracelet. I also had dinner with people from my hall. After that I went to Crazy Dog’s where I got two new bottle caps for my collection and realized twelve reasons why people at UCM might not be coming to the Autism Spectrum Support Group meetings:

1.       They aren’t willing to admit they are autistic.

2.       They’re worried how other people will react or view them if they find out they’re at an autism group.

3.       They don’t want others to know they’re autistic.

4.       They don’t like the idea of being in a group that is autism-based.

5.       They’re used to social rejection.

6.       They’re used to social isolation.

7.       They have some lack of social skills

8.       They don’t know anyone at the group.

9.       They don’t know anyone at school.

10.   They don’t have their parents for backup in this social situation.

11.   Unlike in community colleges, the people who might shun them for being in an autism group are always living near them.

12.   They’re worried about how this group may portray autistics, having seen material from various professionals and groups like Autism Speaks portraying autism as a weakness.

13.   They are so embroiled in their special interests, and don’t want to leave them behind.

After thinking of this, I realized the solution may be to pair people up in twos several times instead of one as we had done earlier at UCM, each time with different people, though I then remembered doing it with several people at JCCC. That way they could get to know people there and make friends more easily and have another reason to come to the group and meet people who share their interests. Later I got a call from Hillary asking me for some help with her Composition I homework, and she came up here and I helped her write the paper.

On Monday morning I read several more pages of The Art of War. After that I went to the bank and got some quarters. Then I found out where my Cinematography class is. After that I e-mailed my dad the name of the textbook I would need for my Cinematography class. I also went down to the Union bookstore and found out they were out of Selected Works that I needed for my American Renaissance class. I got back to the dorm and went to the front desk to get some envelopes and stamps, where I saw Anna and Brittany, but found out they didn’t have envelopes, so I went down to the packing store to get a stamp and an envelope. I got back and worked on drawing the front of a Thank You note for my grandmother for her birthday check, since I didn’t have an actual card to send. Then I drank some coffee while I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class, which gave me an appreciation for nature writing myself. 

Later I went to my Cinematography class, where I learned about how in classic Cinematography, shadows will be cast in darker scenes, and powerful people might be in the center of the frame, while less powerful people might be to the left, and I thought this class could really reawaken my appreciation for film. Our first assignment was to take two photographs of an object, one from a normal angle, and one from a more unusual angle, to show how angles influenced the mood of the picture. After I got back and ate dinner, I tried frantically to get onto the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network-KC’s Google Hangout for the meeting, but after trying for over half an hour to get on, Hillary got Josh and he tried to help me get on for almost twenty minutes until we found out I hadn’t gotten the invitation to the meeting by mistake. After that I ran on the treadmill to try and relax, while reading more of The Art of War. I got back and talked to Tyler after he called until I insisted that I was exhausted and stressed, and I needed to go. I got back and helped Hillary with her Composition I homework. After that I made another bracelet. Then I got several of my textbooks in the mail, along with a birthday card from my Uncle John, Aunt Nini, and cousins Scott and Tim.

                The next day I ran into my old friend Antwon from last year as I was heading to class, and we caught up a bit and I got his number and planned to text him mine and see him later. I read more of my Creative Problem-Solving book and realized a lot of the strategies for businesses it mentioned paralleled The Art of War’s philosophy. After my last class I got back and finished my thank you note for my grandmother. Then I went to dinner with my hall and Chic Filet, where Josh assured me the difficulties I was experiencing over the conference would be resolved. After that I got some more beers (or rather hard cider) at one of the gas stations. I got back and heard back from Teigan and we got it so I was able to help out at the JCCC Autism Across the Life Span Conference. I also made another bracelet.  As I was walking to the Rec Center I ran into Sara holding a dog on a leash standing next to a short stocky man in a bright red shirt. She smiled and said, “Hey, Ben. How are you?”

                “Good, how are you?”

                “Good, just walking my dog,” she said breathing heavily.

                “That’s good,” I said. “Well, I’ll see you around.”

                “Bye,” she said smiling.

                I saw her again as I was going down the stairwell to Late Night, she was walking up. I said hello and she said, “Hey, Ben. What are you doing?”

                “Just going down to Late Night.”

                “That’s cool. Just relaxing?”

                “Yeah.”

                “That’s good. Well, have a good night.”

                The next day I met with Barbara Mayfield, the Autism Spectrum Support Group advisor from UCM’s Office of Accessibility Services about the group. I told her my theories on why people weren’t showing up to the group, and she agreed I could be right about them. During that time, we came up with the idea to plan activities for after our pair-up sessions, get together THRIVE students for activities to help get them into the group, and to meet with the THRIVE staff to help that happen and to get THRIVE students involved. I said sure, and he told me they would probably get together to practice sometime soon. I went to the Lovinger computer lab and worked on putting a presentation together for Disability Awareness Week, when I got a call from the bookstore saying they had the textbook I needed, and I could come down and get it. I went down there and got it and a fine-tipped sharpie and my arabesque origami box. Then I went down to the packing store, where I ended up getting eight new stamps for my collection along with two envelopes. As I left the Union, I ended up going back to walk with Hillary and Mardy to the bank. I got back and mailed my letter to my grandmother. Then I finished my arabesque box. After that I went to dinner with my hall, sitting next to Jess there, and got the idea to make another bottle cap sign that says “Wake up,” and to carve some of my wooden blocks into a box (for myself). I then made another bracelet for the Silent Auction. After that I talked to my granddad.

                After my first class the next day I went to the library and checked out an edition of Walden. I got to the cafeteria and read a lot of it. Later Mardy and I agreed to ride home the next day together for Labor Day weekend. I went down to Late Night again that night trying to relax and ran into Sara and her friend Cameron.

                “Hey, Ben, how are you doing?” Sara asked me.

                “I’m good, and you?”

                “Oh, I’m doing pretty good,” she said sighing and nodding her head.

                “That’s good, and how are you?” I said to Cameron.

                “I’m good,” she said.

                “Well, I’ll see you later, Ben,” said Sara.

                The next day Mardy and I drove home together. I got home and turned several straws into beads. Then I decided to turn all my straws from now on into lampshades and started doing it. Afterwards I read a little bit of my Lonely Planet Germany book while I petted Peter. Then my mom, Dave, and I went to Elsa’s and celebrated my birthday where I told them about school and looking for the right girl, and she said if I keep my mind open to all possibilities, something will happen. When we got back, I made another bracelet while waiting for everyone to be ready to celebrate my birthday dinner. We celebrated it with triple layered chocolate caramel cake with vanilla and caramel cone ice cream while I got four new shirts, including a Mount Washington shirt and a salmon Winnipesauke shirt, as well as a book called The Uprooted: The Epic Stories of Great Migrations that Made the American People.

Great Losses

The next morning I made a braided leather bracelet and read my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa textbook while I was at breakfast. I also realized I’m doing a lot of good for the autistic community by providing information on local resources. Then I worked on some bracelets, which will have some Thich Nhat Hanh quotes, and some necklaces, which will say “UCM,” made from my leather scraps. I also ate dinner with Alex, Anna, Amanda, and Kriti, the former of who told me Culture Night is next Saturday at 6. She also told me of the Thai iced tea they had down at Siam.

I got back and read that Zen teaches that any art, whether painting, calligraphy, or tea ceremony, can be an object of meditation when they are finished. I watched a lot of The Bicycle Thief and was amazed that I was able to pick up on some of the Italian with the help of the English subtitles.  While running, I read a lot of the reading for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class and talked to Jacob and Wonyang. When I got back I told my granddad how I had started growing tired of arts and crafts, including flute-playing and photography, and would have loved to do something like archery, or even horse-back riding, one of the eight original contemplative arts, of it were available in this environment, and he said I had a lot of talent and needed to take some time for myself. I almost felt as if I had no work this weekend. I thought while I took a shower that I could pay my flute outside as few people will be out there in that weather, and I could use it to lift the spirits of people walking in this weather, but also that I could do some rock-climbing at the Rec Center, which could be a meditation on bravery, and I could invite Sinho along, as well as Hillary and Philip if they’d be willing to brave this weather. I read about a lot of the Tibetan Buddhist saints in my Lonely Planet books trying to get a perspective on my creative apathy, and I read that many of them were poets, singers (I play the flute, as I’m not much of a singer most times), artists, activists, and inventors, and suddenly I felt more connected to my usual passions, and that somehow, all was truly wonderful.

                The next morning I figured out more of my travel plans to Tibet. After meditating and showering I ate breakfast with Autrey. I got back and collected some sand on my floor from my shoes into one of my Altoids tins. I watched more of The Bicycle Thieves. Then I had dinner with Connor before getting back to watching finishing the movie. I also started on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa post which I didn’t finish today because it was due for full credit today at 3, not 12, and it now basically doesn’t matter when I get it in before the deadline. After running I finished my Film Appreciation paper. I also took a shower again to keep myself awake for my meditation journal. 

    

The next day I also ate munch with Anna, Oscar, Mary, and Levi. Afterwards I saw a link Laci had shared about a fundraiser that was to something to do with helping people who dealt with a loss, but I hardly could pay attention in my dazed state of mind and liked it instantly. I realized that she could really be nervous about her presentation, which I could understand from going on television with Chris Hernandez. I also took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal with another shower. 

I sorted some more recycling before going to bed the next morning. Later I also saw Barbara liked my warrior picture, and Jamie liked my post about Alexis Wineman’s call for acceptance, and that Brittany Pallone from my high school, and Michael liked my post on the Combat Autism Act. I ate at Siam afterwards and had some delicious Thai Iced Tea for the first time with my meal. I got back and made another heart-shaped pin from straws. I worked on my yarn made from plastic bags while I ran on the treadmill. I got back and I talked to Tyler and wished him a happy birthday, then to my dad, while I worked made another flower and two more heart-shaped pins from straws, and my dad told me that if one girl can like Tyler, then so can another. At Late Night I worked on my plarn for my bag.

I wrote my thank you note to Uncle Andy and Aunt Marge, and then read a lot of the reading for my Film Appreciation class, during which time I decided to check out and watch some of those films they mention on DharmaFlix and other Buddhist reviews, especially the comedy ones like American Beauty, to help figure out my filmmaking style some more. Then I mailed my note before going to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group meeting. There we decided to e-mail agendas to people to get their interest level up, while Barbara thought of some potential guest speakers such as a man who started a sports team for people with disabilities, which could cause people in my group to join and introduce others who might join to my group, and someone from the speech clinic, while I suggested someone from Trio. I also decided we could send out a Survey Monkey survey to the THRIVE students about what times would work for them and what activities they would like, and that I could invite the THRIVE students to an informal gathering in the Chic Filet area so I could speak to them about the group, and get together to see a movie at the Union theater with THRIVE students as well as Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and invite members and potential members along, and send e-mails out to the heads of groups like the Association of Student Social Workers and the Psychology Club, to forward to their members in case they’re interested, and Barbara told me that there’s an organization of education and special education students. I realized that the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group having eighty members should really spread a lot of awareness about autism and in a small town like Warrensburg it could do a lot more, and Barbara suggested we could open up the group to high school students in Warrensburg. She also liked my idea of me giving prizes to the THRIVE program for their award ceremonies.  She also said the sorority that helped set up the THRIVE formal may be willing to help us.

“What sorority was that?” I asked.

“Alpha Sigma Alpha.”

I saw my mom had thanked me for sending her the petition about the Combat Autism Act and said she would see what she could do. Then I set up another meeting for next Wednesday, and e-mailed Sean asking if he could send me all the papers we used for the JCCC group when he had the chance, though I later found out I sent it to the wrong address. I worked some more on my yarn while running and when I got back I told my dad about all the ideas Barbara and I had for the group, and he thought they were really good. Then at Late Night, I saw Hillary and Philip, and worked on my yarn.  Again I took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal.

The next morning I had lunch with Anna and another THRIVE, both of whom saw me and just sat down next to me, while I read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I also decided to use the wood I found for wood burning and buy balsa wood, or whatever my dad said is the softest type of wood preferred by woodcarvers, to carve Buddha and Merlin figurines student, I did see Laci walking by after class, too far from me for me to greet her, though she saw me, and indeed there was a touch of fear in her face. Then I got back and worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam, which I decided to just to give one of away for door prizes. I also talked to my granddad, who liked all the ideas Barbara and I came up with yesterday. I read more of the reading for my Film Appreciation class afterwards. Then I found out I got a ten out of ten on last week’s post for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. I watched Bartholomew’s Song, and wrote and saved my post for it, though I didn’t yet post it as the computer wouldn’t let me, and I found out it’s not due for full credit until Sunday so I didn’t have to take care of it just now. Later that night I talked to my mom who also liked our ideas for the group before going down to a gas station and getting some snacks, including two bottled drinks with new caps for my collection, including, for the sake of collecting, a Monster Energy drink. On my way back I picked up several more recyclables, and when I got to my dorm I found that, to my surprise, the Monster Energy drink did not taste so bad, though I didn’t think I would be drinking it again. 

The next morning, before going to bed, I realized that I really gave Emily a reason to like me when she, Jack, and I were at a drugs and alcohol talk and the speaker asked us all if we had ever lost a loved one due to drugs and alcohol, and Emily, who had, started crying and I caressed her back, and the next morning in class the subject of a friend of hers who died a long time ago came up, and she started crying, and I caressed her back again, and she started crying and I caressed her back, and when Jack’s mom died and she started crying I put my arm around her. I also had a dream where Emily was staying near me for a while and talked to me in a very romantic voice as though she hadn’t realized we hadn’t talked for the last few months and wondered if that meant we were back together if I wanted it to be so, which I wouldn’t have minded in the dream, though I realized we would still be in a long-distance relationship. After meditating and showering, I looked up ‘ex-girlfriend’ in the dream dictionary, and it said it doesn’t necessarily mean you still have feelings for the girl, but that you’ve come a long way since the relationship, but you can also perhaps have fond memories of it, and something about that relationship may be manifesting in a current relationship. I took my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa test and I’m most certain I did well on it and may even have gotten one hundred.  Then I saw on Laci’s Facebook page a fund for the families of two female UCM students in Alpha Sigma Alpha who had been killed in a car wreck on March 1^st, and I realized Laci probably knew them through Greek interaction, so I posted on her page saying I would attend the vigil on the 12th, which I read about in the e-mail, and that I was of a mind that she knew those students and in that case I wanted to offer my condolences as much and as powerfully as I could, though it’s just not enough, and I shared the link on my page, wishing much metta to the girls and their loved ones. I somehow thought back strongly to Emily. I also learned I later posted a post about a vigil for disability advocates who were murdered by their trusted caregivers, wishing them much metta, which Brittany liked very quickly.  I invited several friends to like the National Council on Independent Living and the Kansas Center for Autism Research and Training, and Elizabeth accepted my invitation to the first and Jamie and Britney accepted my invitation to K-CART.  Two friends unfriended me perhaps because of all these invitations, but that was ok as I don’t need them. I ate dinner later with Connor, Mary, and Paige.  I also talked to my granddad about what I did with Laci and he said I had a way with words and was bound to show Laci I was thinking of her and the circle of people affected by these deaths, and it would mean a lot to Laci, and that how I comforted Emily gave her all the more reason to like me.  I worked on my plarn some more on the treadmill, and when I got back I talked to my dad, who was sure that my words to Laci would mean a lot to her, who I suddenly felt so bad for, along with many others.  I called my dad again to ask him what was considered to be the best wood for woodcarving and he said bass, which you could get on Amazon. I then went down to Break Time and got a new non-crown bottle cap from my drink there and some Altoids, and picked up and recycled some recyclables on my way back. I made another heart-shaped pin and three more flowers from straws. I called my mom to tell her I was doing well on medication and she said she had some new bottle caps for me from Hawaii. I took a shower again to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized that it was kind of interesting that Emily kept having ways to bring up her friend’s deaths and cried so many times. Somehow, not as if these two things were related, I remembered Facebook also told me that Emily was a mutual friend of Laci’s, perhaps from the Rush Week, where Emily had been invited to her organization. Something was going on in my head, yet at the time I seemed to be unable to make heads or tails of it. 

That next morning however I did not get one second of sleep. I could not help but think of the girls, Erin Hook and Jennifer Reeder, and the people who were affected by it, and I knew all too well why. I thought of the parents and how the heard of this accident with no warning on what seemed like an ordinary day and what caused it would never change. I cried unable to help myself, and as I waited for a video on my phone on the deaths to come up, I simply panicked saying, “Come on!”  As Sinho heard me moaning as if I had been stabbed, he said calmly, “Are you alright? Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine, Sinho. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Ah, no, no, no.”

I also suddenly felt it was interesting to note that when Emily had cried about the loss of her friends two years ago while in our Learning Strategies class, and I caressed her back, I remembered our teacher, Mrs. Carter smiled at me and said, “Ben, it’s ok.” Moreover, I remembered how for one of our assignments on goal setting, I put “find a girlfriend,” and during the THRIVE meeting I had with her (something all students did), she mentioned that goal, and offered as a bit of friendly advice to, “surround myself with friends and when I least expected it, it would happen,” remarkably similar to what my granddad had said when he heard Emily and I were dating. I felt better as I ate with Mary, Anna, and Paige, who all planned to go down to Planet Sub with anyone who would come, and I said I’d come if they’d like that, and Mary said very serenely that I could come and hang out with them whenever I wanted. I remembered how Buddhism teaches that love is the bond that awakens us all from our illusion of separateness, which is in fact, the source of our suffering. I went down with Oscar and Paige-Mary went home for that day-and I heard Ryan knew the two girls. I went down to Ryan’s room and gave him my condolences and offered to go down to the vigil on Wednesday, and he appreciated it, hugged me, and lent me a shirt for the service. Ryan also said the THRIVE group might meet on Monday at 7:30 in the Ellis TV Lounge. I decided I would make those coasters for Aunt Laura over the break and donate a portion of the money to the scholarship fund created in one of the girl’s honor, and another portion to the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I also wrote a post on my other blog The Autist Dharma, wishing all the loved ones of Hook and Reeder my condolences, and then (partly for feeling I had to reward my viewers for reading a post that was not directly autism or Buddhism-related, wrote a post evaluating a summit meeting on autism in November of 2013. It had been my first two Autist Dharma posts in months, even if only one was what I intended to do with the blog, and really wanted to go out and celebrate. I went to the Culture Night, where one performance that interested me was the Buddhist dance from Korea, and I videotaped several performances until my camera had no more memory. I went back to my dorm and went to sleep without writing in my meditation journal as I was so tired and felt so bad because I promised to write in here the next day, for my children, and felt a little annoyed.  

The next morning I realized that you can remember the great times you have with people like those girls without feeling sorrow, like I do about many things in my life that have come to pass, and that my thoughtfulness towards the people affected will show I can appreciate what they feel. I also realized that I helped quite a few THRIVE students and Horizon students by being a role model for good social skills, and that I could take more pictures by getting some on my computer and deleting them on my phone. That day I ate with Antwon and made a lot of plarn for a belt, but got so frustrated as it could tangled up and I got short with Sinho as he tried to help and shook the plarn in my anger and the yarn seemed to whip him in his face.

“Ow, you hit me.”

“Oh, Sinho. I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, feeling guilty, and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “It’s ok.”

When I ran on the treadmill, I didn’t even bother sorting the recycling because I was too tired. I did make a lot of progress on the belt, which I wanted for the vigil so I could have a nice belt, as my current one was very raggedy. 

 

The next day I did a lot of work on my belt, and the day after that I got up early to read some reading for my Early American Literature class and do some laundry. Patty, the kind elderly woman who worked at the swipe-in counter, saw my belt and inquired. I told her about it and she nodded sympathetically. She also said, “Honey, you’re shaking. You need to eat more.” I heard in my Early American Literature class a person saying that one of the girls, an elementary education major, made some kids at the Warrensburg school stop wearing those bracelets that said “Boobies,” and that there were so many more important things going on. I did not feel upset about how they talked about Hook. On the contrary, I felt rather glad for them: I was happy they could be so unaffected, unlike how I was. I saw on Alpha Sigma Alpha’s Facebook page that Philip liked several posts about the girls, and saw Hillary had changed her Facebook picture to those girl’s pictures and knew them. I felt better thinking of the bottle caps Mom had for me and when I saw some apple pie in the cafeteria. I went down to Crazy Dog’s thinking that if I had both apple pie and found another bottle cap that night, it was a sign that universe wanted me to be happy, and I got two new bottle caps from a soda and a beer, and would get a new bottle cap from a different beer the next night. I didn’t enjoy it like I would have because I saw a girl sitting at a table and on the back of her shirt it said “Alpha Sigma Alpha,” and I wanted to wish her my condolences and finish my beer so I could leave afterwards if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I figured She won’t enjoy those girls for the rest of her life, so I can give up enjoying beer for one night, and I said I realized she was from ASA, and after I wished her my condolences, her face just lit up and she thanked me. 

The next day I also finished my belt. I also got a new bottle cap from a beer that, this time, I decided to savor at Crazy Dog’s. I sorted some recycling at the Rec Center as usual. I called Hillary via Ryan’s phone and we agreed to go down together with Ryan, Philip, and Mardy. I told her about how I had cried over the loss and she seemed rather surprised, as well as touched by it. She said she had also lost a pet and a grandparent this semester.  I asked Hillary, “These two girls, did they have boyfriends?”

“Yes,” said Hillary.  “And they are just devastated!”

I thought though that the girl’s significant others would learn to love from this experience in a way that would enrich any relationship they had in a year from now, which is often how long it takes to move on. I realized there’s more to grief than mourning: there’s rediscovering your identity. I realized that I however, have always had something to give me an identity. 

I saw Hillary the next morning and she agreed with me on the girl’s boyfriends. I also met John as I met with Hillary after her Trio classes. I realized the kindness I show the people suffering is contagious, and the kindness I show people in general is contagious, as is the kindness you show all people about anything. As I was going down to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group Game Night I saw Laci going in that direction, and I said, “Hi, how are you?” and she smiled widely, looking me straight in the eye and said, “Good. How are you?” She did look kind of shaken as she looked at me.  She walked down to the end of the hallway where our room was, only to go up the stairs in a direction that she could have taken on the floor above me.

Tom was at Game Night and I felt truly myself there, but still very shaken by the girl’s deaths. I went down to Crazy Dog’s and got that other bottle cap there and had a beer to make up for the one I hadn’t enjoyed the last night. As I walked back I picked up some recyclables and a woman at the Campus House saw me doing that there and called out “Thank you,” to me. Ryan came to my room and I gave him a brownie from the game night that Barbara had made, hoping to give one to Hillary, Philip, and Mardy, but Ryan and I ended up meeting the others at Mardy’s room. At the vigil I let Ryan and another guy use my candle to light theirs and had my arm around Hillary and Ryan a lot of the time.  Candle light always seemed to have something moving to it, and I thought perhaps that was why it has been used for meditation in the Tibetan Buddhist faith. I teared up when I heard one of the girl’s friends hear about how the girl’s died when she was expecting to hang out with them after work in her hometown an hour’s drive away, and how one of the girl’s was going to be an aunt. Of all of us, Mardy seemed to be the most composed of the group, though I thought to myself that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I saw Mckenzie, and went up to her and asked if she was alright, and she looked me straight in the eye and said she was.  I asked Emily from my Drawing I class, who teared up in a friend’s arms if she was alright and she said she was ok. Afterwards, the five of us went down to New China Buffet together, talking about the girls, and I organized a toast to them. I also heard Hillary say no one had heard from Emily and they didn’t even know if she was still alive. I said, “Well I guess Emily was a little immature.

The next morning I thought of how the significant others may need a year or so to move on, but even then, in that time, they may develop fondness and closeness for people around them. That next day I felt much better about the girls, though still too tired to read that much of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I realized some days are just harder than others, and whatever we need to do to grief, we just need to do. As the day progressed however, I thought of what Hillary said about Emily and my heart starting aching and I couldn’t focus on anything else. I had said the night before that she was a typical immature attention-loving college girl. I wished I had said she was loyal, selfless, hard-working, brave, polite, and a good friend. She invited me to everything she went to, stuck by my whenever I vented my about anything Cassie-related on her or Jack, always interested in hearing about what was going on with Cassie and I, and comforted me when it looked bleak, even though she liked me, was at Jack’s mom’s funeral with me, knew her rights as someone with ADHD in school and was able to stand up for herself, and was very good with children. Had Emily joined Alpha Omicrom Pi, as she had been invited to, would they have given her such a wonderful vigil? I felt Emily deserved it at least as much as Hook and Reeder. As I entered my World Archaeology class and sat down, Yelton seemed to have some sympathy to his demeanor that I had not noticed in him before. I was relieved anyway to find gotten a ninety-five percent on my test which he handed back. 

I did find out Emily was alive though and that her grandfather at age seventy-five had died on December 4^th. As my mom arrived at UCM, I was relieved to hear her say, “I guess you’re kind of tired to drive, huh?” 

I explained to her that this was indeed the case, and how the girl’s deaths had affected me.  She was shocked, considering I had only met them once or twice at the THRIVE formals, and said, “As hard as it is, people do move on.” 

I told her about Emily, and after talking about it for a few minutes, she said, “Ben, I wonder, maybe a girl who would be best is for you is,” she paused, and continued, “a girl on the spectrum: someone who understands what you have.” 

I sighed. Part of me in fact, still had trouble resisting that idea. I also thought a great deal back to Cassie, and thought how strange it was that so many of the things I loved about her-her socially isolated sort of existence, her often frantic desire to keep up with all her school demands, her messy hair, her youthful looks, her incredible singing voice, and her pursuit of a helping profession-were all things that Tania Marshall, the world’s leading specialist in girls with Asperger syndrome, mentioned in girls as common traits of Asperger syndrome. I also knew that had Cassie been still at UCM, she would have indeed been very comforting and compassionate towards my grief over these girls. 

After I got home I talked to Erin to plan for us to get together over Spring Break, so we could both give each other our Christmas and birthday presents we had gotten each other,and catch up on our lives. She seemed very friendly after I had told her about the girls and how I broke down in tears over them. A few minutes later I saw on my phone a text that said, “Hey.”

“Hey.” I replied. “Who is this?”

“Emily.”

“I’m sorry which Emily?  It’s just I know a lot of Emily’s.”

“From THRIVE.”

We started texting back and forth, as if we had never gone a long period without talking, and eventually I told her how two girls who we met at the THRIVE formal and with the sorority that organized it, had died in a car wreck.

“Aww.” She texted. I mentioned to her that I had broken down in tears after hearing about it, and at the vigil.

“Aww.  Im sorry.”  She texted back.

“Thank you.” I texted her. 

I guess Emily had not wanted to be my girlfriend still. That was ok. Part of me believed, hoped, felt, or perhaps knew that something great appeared to be on its way, even if it ever seemed unlikely to me, or anyone, that it was in fact a good thing for me. 

Tests, Test, and More Tests

With a stressful long-term project finally out of my way, I spent the next afternoon reading a lot of the reading for my Early American Literature class. Later I went to the meeting which only Tom and Dr. Mayfield showed up for and I learned Dr. Mayfield saw my post on a man with autism married to a neurotypical woman and the challenges they faced and I realized it might be hard for some visual autistic people to learn to talk because you can’t see how they’re doing it from the outside of their body, unlike waving, and when you’re taught to have, you might have trouble with depth perception that makes you unsure of where your hands would be, or when you are shown how to dress yourself, when you see what someone is doing with a yellow shirt, you may not see that you are supposed to do the same thing with a blue shirt. Then I invited several of my Facebook friends to like the Autism Women’s Empowerment Project. After a few minutes I saw Michael, a friend of mine from JCCC, had liked my post on the arbitrariness of autistic classifications. Later I talked to my granddad, and he said that I changed his whole view on autism in just one night after I told him about how an autistic person can have trouble knowing how to put on a blue shirt based on how someone puts on a yellow one, and that I’ve done my part for autism. While I ran, I learned to create a poem by writing the feelings you feel from a line of another poem chosen at random and found a poem by an autistic woman whose line I used to help inspire me and I started writing about how I feel about taking a risk and loving someone who does not know the fact of having my condition. When I got back, I talked to my dad who advised me to at least put out meetings for the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Groups even if hardly anyone comes. I finished that poem at Late Night and then wrote in my gratitude journal. After that I saw Teresa liked my post on the arbitrary classifications of autism. Then I took a shower to keep myself awake long enough to write this, during which time I decided to get myself one of those sketchbooks and brushes from the Union bookstore to do some watercolors and calligraphy. I also helped Sinho and Jai with some English questions. 

                The next morning, I learned about beach rock photos on a website and saw an interesting quote on there about how beach rocks teach us all to keep an open mind, because something we originally might reject may later become our favorite thing. I also read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. Then I learned there is a test this week in my Film Appreciation class. After that I finished the rest of my reading for my Early American Literature class.  During my World Archaeology class, I heard about how Catalhoyuk is a place of artistic inspiration and a spiritual center and thought I might visit it in junction with a bearing witness trip to Turkey about the Armenian Genocide. Afterwards saw Becky working at a body acceptance project where I got myself weighed on a scale that only tells you good things about your body, and mine said “Lovely” and I got a picture for them to put to Facebook. Then I got a watercolor paintbrush, a Chinese bamboo brush, and a notebook for my watercolors and calligraphy. After that I read a poster in the Union on stress, which said that people who view stressful situations as an opportunity to grow are more likely to avoid some of the symptoms of stress. Then I sorted some recycling afterwards. I alsosaw on Facebook that my family friend Bob Tucker, who also went to the Pathless Land, liked my post about the arbitrariness of autism classifications and put, “Well explained and easily understood.  You are a brave lad my friend.” I then invited the rest of my Facebook friends to like the Autism Women’s Empowerment Project. I talked to my granddad who said that Bob Tucker, a real professional-a retired psychotherapist-and doesn’t compliment every Facebook post like that, and that I am continuing to gain credibility. I also realized later on that my sudden loss of passion for screenwriting seemed to stem from not feeling as connected to my characters like I used to, and if I could fix that, I could probably get it back.   Afterwards I worked on my handbag made from snack wrappers. After running I made another hair pin from straws. Then I worked on a scrapbook with a cover made from a chips bag. I also went to Late Night where I saw Ryan, who I sat with, and he told me he would e-mail me about the next THRIVE meeting next week or tomorrow morning when he knew when it was. 

                I realized as I lay awake the next morning that even if a girl does not share my condition, she may find it amazing what I’ve had to deal with as a person with autism. After meditating, showering, and eating breakfast, I studied for two fifty minute study blocks for my World Archaeology class with a ten minute break in between to use the bathroom and get a drink. After that I took my Film Appreciation test and got a thirty-seven out of forty. Later when I got back to the dorm I got back and saw Elizabeth Wood from my Creative Writing class, who I was surprised to see remembered my name. Then I finished four more coasters made from paper plates made three more pencil cups from Pringles cans. I talked to Mom who asked about coming down tomorrow and I agreed, and she agreed to come at 11:30, and was impressed with how hard I was working. I got back and worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam, realizing what a good idea it was to tell a few people about the Friend of Autism Pledge, have them tell a few people, and for a certain amount of people they get to sign to give out environmentally friendly prizes. I took a shower to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. 

                The next morning, I ate breakfast with Connor from THRIVE. Then my mom came and brought my paper plates, Lost Years of Merlin books, and some clean pants. After that we went to the Egg Diner where I enjoyed a good grilled chicken and bacon sandwich, and Mom said that though she couldn’t connect with the characters in The Skull Mantra enough to get more than halfway through the book, she could tell there was a romance between Shan and Rebecca from the way the book described Rebecca’s hair flowing in the wind. Afterwards I made two more heart-shaped pins. Then I studied for my North American Indian class for two fifty minute study blocks with a ten minute break in between to use the bathroom and get a drink, during which I realized ways I could better answer Yelton’s questions on the test than I have on previous tests. After that I read more of the reading for my World Archaeology class and got more of the answers from the test out of it thus far. I also watched a documentary for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class where they talked about how the people in Ghana who produce our rice, chocolate, and gold are paid so poorly and work in such horrible conditions, and I thought, while some people may think it would cost us more for these products, that knife Dad got me from Sweden was made in a country where minimum wage and working condition laws are just as strict, if not more so than in the U.S., and that knife probably did not cost more than it would have otherwise, and got the idea to do a poem on that, and felt a little lonely from having two classes on-line, but more motivated to pursue a romantic relationship because of that.  I talked to my granddad afterwards, who said he saw Bob at the store recently and he was really impressed with my posting. I read an article and watched more of another documentary for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. I read more of Anthills of the Savanah while I ran. I got back and made another flower and heart-shaped pin. I talked to Dad afterwards and he said he was able to get my knife for only twenty dollars as these knives, Moran knives, are very famous around the world. Then I walked to the gas station, seeing Ryan and Oscar on my way, while Ryan said that he would e-mail me tomorrow or sometime soon about when the THRIVE group meets next. I got back and wrote in my meditation journal, during which time I read that when Uncle Ray saw the girl who would become the love of his life for the first time in his life while riding home on the bus, he knew “where he was going to sit, thinking back to how a girl or two always use to sit next to me in class in the past few semesters. I again took a shower to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. 

                After showering the next morning, I had breakfast with Connor, Oscar, Brian, and Autrey. Later I found out the next discussion post for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class isn’t due until the 2nd of March. After that I worked on my PowerPoint presentation. I studied for my World Archaeology class for two fifty minute study blocks with a ten minute break in between to use the bathroom and get a drink and understood the material fairly well and how to give my best answers on the questions, during which time I realized Horizon never really taught us how to study well when I was there, nor did Belinder of course, and that raising the $50 million dollars for special education services required by the Americans with Disabilities Act may require higher taxes, but it is also the law. I realized that even if we had to pay more for things from countries with as high standards of working conditions as we had, it wouldn’t be a whole lot when it’s stretched out over each product sold to the public, and chips are made in America and they hardly cost anything. I got back and I worked on my bag and my mandalas made from bags. Then I watched Vegucated for my Film Appreciation class, during which time I was inspired to eat more spinach leaves along with some nuts, which I hadn’t realized were there before, as there just leaves, and learned free-range doesn’t always mean cruelty-free. I read more of Anthill of the Savanah while running, before submitting my Film Appreciation paper. I got back and I sorted some recycling, while I got a Coke. Then I took a shower to help me stay awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized how beer can be made in America without having to be outrageously expensive. 

                On Monday, after meditating and showering, I read more of Anthills of the Savanah up to the last three pages and it was really good.  During brunch I had a salad, or rather sunflower seed wrapped in spinach leaves, while I read more of Anthills of the Savanah.  After that I finished my book report on it. Afterwards I studied for my World Archaeology class for two fifty minute study blocks with a ten minute break in between to use the bathroom and get a drink. I got back and I did some laundry. I ate dinner with Ryan afterwards, who said he’d e-mail me soon and might even have the meeting for the THRIVE group be on Wednesday. After Ryan left, I ate dinner with Casey, Antwon, and Robert. When they left, I worked on a poem and realized that poetry, much like calligraphy, can help us appreciate the beauty of human language. While I ran on the treadmill I realized that much like with poetry, I just have to create an ending while having a middle and find a plot that connects the two. I got back and made another heart-shaped pin from straws. I also worked on my bag woven from Walmart bags.  After Late Night I read a lot of the reading for my Early American Literature class. Again, I took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal, but I ended up deciding to save my entry for the next day. 

                The next morning, I read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. Later I took my test down at the Testing Center, which I thought I did really well on and may even get an A on, and realized that giving people with disabilities, far from giving them unfair advantages, helps better test what they’ve learned. I got back and worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam. Then I went to Crazy Dog’s. I went and got my hair cut afterwards, tipping the barber an almost twenty-five percent tip. Then I got the current issue of National Geographic and Buddhadharma at Hasting’s. 

                After that I got some more shampoo and deodorant at Walgreen’s. I sorted and picked up some recyclables on my way back. I got back and made some more flowers and a heart-shaped pin. After that I worked on my bag woven from Walmart bags. Then I talked to Granddad who assured me I would know just what to say when I talk to the THRIVE group and always do and have it flow out of me so smoothly, and he complimented my writing ability again.  When I got back from running, I made another heart-shaped pin. Then I talked to my dad who thought that setting up receptacles in different halls for the stuff we use to make the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group door prizes was a good idea. I also went to Late Night where I learned about acrostic poems and saw some really good miksang photos, including good ones of leaves, like a wet one on a beach and one holding and floating in water, which inspired me to take some more of my own. I got back and took several great beach pebble photos with my pebbles from Washington, realizing they looked better than I thought they would, like a nature or beach scene. When Tyler texted me saying he wanted to create an avengers team of people with special needs, I told him it was a great idea. When he said that he wanted to make a team of all the people he loves, I told him that when you love someone, they are always there with you. Then he said he loves the people he loves unconditionally and always feels their presence, and I said so do I. Then I took a shower to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized that an inspirational quote would go well with these beach rock photos. 

                The next day I ate lunch with Megan. I also realized I have several good photos which I could use for Chinese paintings. After that I realized I might as well keep meetings going to keep Tom’s interest and scheduled one for next Wednesday. I also worked on my covers for my meditation journals and realized I could use some of the extra leather to make bracelets, including some braided ones. I also put all my recyclables bags on my shelf, put my textbooks in a box shelf on top of my microwave, my Altoids boxes on my windowsill, some of the stuff on my microwave on my new shelf, and my yarn paintings, poster, and plastic bags mandala next to my shelf with my recyclables and my room looked great. Then I made some more flowers and fixed a few of them. I later found out I was missing my bag with my earphones and flash drive. I went to Late Night where I sat with Autrey, Ryan, and Logan, while I started making the yarn for my bag woven from Walmart bags. I also met a girl in the main hall of Ellis named Marissa, who I got to know a little bit. 

                The next morning, I realized how much plastic bags in the landfill is a problem when I realized that plastic bags were the biggest among all my recyclables. I got the idea to use all the letters in my Warrensburg plastic bag mandala to make a Buddhist saying like “Be Present.” Later I worked on my lampshade made and made some more heart-shaped pins. I went to Walgreen’s and got Time magazine’s Civil Rights: The Movement for Equality and the Dream Today. Then I ate at Siam where I made another flower, and had a delicious Thai iced coffee. I also got a new quarter and nickel from my change. As I walked back, I picked up and sorted some more recycling. I got back and made some more flowers and heart-shaped pins. After that I read the reading for my Film Appreciation class, while eating some wings with some hot sauce on the side at Late Night. I learned that the next assignment for my Film Appreciation class isn’t due for full credit until Sunday at midnight, and that I got 100% on all the assignments I’ve turned in for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class, including my book report, which I got some good comments on, and realized if I managed to turn in the rest of them, I’d do fine. I also sent out the e-mails to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group about next Wednesday’s meeting. I got back and made another flower, and heart-shaped pin, and ended up deciding to save my meditation journal entry for that day for the next day. 

                The next day after meditating and showering, I ate lunch with Connor, and then Jai and Kim. Later I worked on my lampshade and found some new pebbles in the Ellis courtyard. Afterwards I made another heart-shaped pin, and then worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam. While running I read about how the samurai trained themselves in painting, poetry, calligraphy, and flower arranging. I got back and talked to my dad, during which time I realized that I feel my workload for the weekend is rather light compared to other weekends, or perhaps it’s just that I’m more used to my load now.