Coming Out of the Autism Closet

The day after I got back to school, I went with Hillary to Hasting’s, where I got the book Tanaina Tales of Alaska about stories from the native Tanaina people of Alaska. I felt tired that night, feeling, more than ever, like I had aged from years of trying to advocate for autism. The next day after class was out, I went on the page through Facebook for the event Tell Dr. Phil and the Media that Issy Stapleton is the VICTIM, about a severely autistic girl Issy Stapleton, whose mother Kelli tried to murder her, rationalizing it by saying there “weren’t enough services” for her daughter. To try and get Dr. Phil not to sympathize with Kelli, I wrote:

Honoring a woman for trying to murder her autistic daughter is tantamount to genocide. If a woman was honored for trying to murder her gay son, what would that say about our attitudes towards homosexuals. Yes, autistics do suffer from discrimination, but murder is not the way families show sympathy for groups and individuals whose rights and dignity they respect. If we care about the crisis of autism discrimination, we need to raise attention to the issue without devaluing autistic lives. Issy's mother does not represent any mother or parent of an autistic child that I know, including autistics who you would call mild and severe. Let's not liken them to murderers, but show their sacrifice and courage to give their children the best life under the best and worst of circumstances, and in doing so let us give support to the millions of parents with autistic children facing the daunting task of nurturing them under discrimination and create a better, more hopeful world for autistics and their caregivers.

I also filled out the paperwork to reserve a room in the Union for the group, which I decided to call the Autistic Student and Peer Organization. That night I went to bed, so tired, feeling, more than ever, like I had aged from years of trying to advocate for autism, and wondering how I would find myself able to keep up with all my school work let alone the UCM autism group. The next day I went to my meeting with Barbara. I told her that I thought we needed to change the name of the Autism Spectrum Support Group to something different; something that made it sound less like the students in it were going there for help. She liked that idea. She also recommended we replace the old displays about autism in the OAS’s display case, and she said that there was a THRIVE student interning at the Muleskinner, who may be willing to interview us about the group, which would be an ideal way to put out that we are looking for peer mentors. 

I got back and saw Sara as I was going to return my books to the library. I then went to the library and returned my books, which were due that day. I got back and read more of my book for my American Renaissance class. On my way back, feeling that I did not have the time or the energy to walk down to the sheltered workshop to recycle my bottles, I called Hillary to ask her for a ride down there. She said she was unable to because she had an event to go to but said that Philip could give me a ride. I went upstairs and made another bracelet and started on another one. Then Philip drove me down to the sheltered workshop where I recycled my glass and his recyclables, found three more bottle caps for my collection, and collected his things to repurpose. I got back and Josiah gave me his receipts. I saw Sara coming back and forth and she smiled and blushed as she saw me, while I made another coaster for the silent auction and finished the one I started on. After that I finished the bracelet I started on earlier. 

I saw Sara going down to dinner and I went with her. She held the door open for me on the way down and I told her how I was making a bracelet every day until November. She asked me what that was for, and I told her it was for a silent auction for a group I was a part of. She asked me what group that was, and I said it was the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. She said, “That’s cool.”

As we went into the dining hall, she told me where she was going to sit. After I sat down, she sat down with me. I learned then that she wasn’t on Facebook and that she loves The Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit movies. After we left, she told me she’s watched all The Lord of the Rings extended versions back-to-back taking over nine hours. As I got up, she held the door open for me again. About half an hour after that, I noticed the feeling of having aged that I was so accustomed to had lessened significantly.

Later I made another paracord bracelet to sell for the silent auction. Soon after that I talked to my granddad, and he agreed that it was a good idea to change the name of the UCM group. After that I worked on my final copy for my paper for my American Renaissance class. Then I went to Late Night with Hillary and Philip. After that we went down to Break Time and bought a twenty-pack of beer, for which Philip gave me the receipt for. I also got a paracord bracelet, which had a unique pattern that I thought I could do myself.  We got back and hung out with Hillary’s and Philip’s friends Tay and Kelsey. 

The next day I sat with Blair at breakfast, before finishing the final revisions for my Anthropology of Food class. After that class, I sat with Jade at lunch while enjoying a delicious spicy chicken burrito. Then I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. During that class, we talked about our author Fuller’s view of having children, a mother saying how her son has Asperger syndrome and learned to read encyclopedias at nine years old, and despite being neglected by the school system and having his rights infringed upon is no in his second semester of college. I thought about the idea that girls can’t be autistic because they don’t stick out, and I realized that point of view is not only misogynistic, but is also based on a strong belief in autistic stereotypes (girls being quiet, not flapping their arms, etc.)

After my last class, I went down to Those Were the Days and got eleven more postcards, thinking longingly of all of them being framed in groups and individually next to each other in my future home. Then I went to Hasting’s and saw that the seven military classics of Ancient China were heavily based on Taoist principles, and emphasized speed, stealth, flexibility, and a minimum of force, in contrast to the modern Western military strategies. I got The Seven Military Strategies of Ancient China as well as Love Poems from God: Twelve Sacred Voices from the East and West and Minecraft Essential Survival Guide, perhaps to help someday set up Minecraft activities in school, as the organization the Thinking Person’s Guide to Autism had suggested as a way to help school’s extracurricular activities be inclusive of autistic people. After that I ate dinner at King’s Chef Buffet. I got back and made another bracelet.

I went down to the Alcohol Trivia night and got several free things afterwards, which everyone, winners and losers (our team lost) got. Then I made another paracord bracelet. After that I talked to Dad and Granddad. Then I went down to Late Night. I soon felt too tired to really be able to help Hillary with her English Composition I homework, and then I saw her, and she said she was too tired to work on it too, so we agreed to do it next week. After that I sorted a lot of recycling on campus. I got back and saw a lot of Saving Silverman with Mardy, who was watching it on his computer, and I was reminded of how much I loved that movie, and the part where Neil Diamond plays one of his songs on his guitar at the end to get a couple back together reminded me of the power poets and songwriters have on the minds of people, not just generators of words.  

The next morning, I sat in the dining hall with Paige, Levi, Allyssa, a new THRIVE student who I meet, Anna, and Blair, who decided to sit next to me. Then I looked at my UCM e-mail account, but for some reason did not see any e-mail about the meeting plans for ASPO. I did get an e-mail from my Creative Problem-Solving teacher though saying I had left my notebook behind in class and could come by her office before five to pick it up. I also learned about haigu, paintings Japanese haiku poets used to make based off their haiku and decided to make some yarn paintings based off mine for the silent auction. Later I made three more paracord bracelets. I then went down to the bank and got some quarters to do laundry. After that I got my notebook that I had left behind in my Creative Problem-Solving class. I got back and did a food journal entry for my Anthropology of Food class.  Then I made another bracelet.  After that I made some more plarn for a belt for the silent auction. I later went down to the treadmill and started making another friendship bracelet and kept working on it when I got back to my dorm. I also realized that the screen on my phone won’t come on, due to a crack in it from a year earlier, and I need to go down to the Verizon store to get it fixed.

I had brunch with Paige, Amanda, a new THRIVE student who I met, and Haley, a blind student who I’ve seen around campus but never really talked to, while I worked on my bracelet from last night. Afterwards I worked on it some more. Then I went down to the Verizon store, where I called Mom and Dave, and left them a message about my phone situation. They told me at the store, however, that they wouldn’t be able to fix my phone, and the only place that could do that was the computer store in Warrensburg, which was closed on weekends. On my way back I picked up several more recyclables.

I got back and took out my recycling. Then I went to Those Were the Days and got some more embroidery floss.  I picked up and recycled some more recyclables on the way back. After that I worked on my bracelet some more.  I worked on it a bit at dinner, during which time I saw Kelsey, the THRIVE mentor, who told me they’d let me know when the THRIVE students will be working on the float and that they are using Mr. B’s trailer. She also liked the bracelet I was making. After that I borrowed Josh’s phone and talked to Mom, who said they ordered me a new phone thinking it was time for an upgrade anyway, which I could pick up the next day at the Verizon store. I worked on my bracelet some more after that. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while making some more plarn for my belt for the silent auction. I got back and did my laundry while I worked on my bracelet some more, remembering how Mom always was glad there was the autistic community, so I would never feel alone. I also made another bracelet while I realized that if I did date an autistic girl, I might be able to appreciate her for her unique traits as a lover more than other guys would be able to do.

The next day I ate with Anna and Amanda while I worked on my bracelet. I got back to my dorm and worked on my bracelet some more. Then I went down to the Verizon store where I found out I had an order in my account, which would be completed by tonight, but until that time, they would not be able to give me my phone, which Mom explained via their work phone was because they ordered more gigabytes for all our phones. On my way back a car pulled up and the driver, a dark-haired female, called my name from the window. It was April, and she offered to give me a ride to wherever I needed to go. On the way back I told her a little bit about my arts and crafts and she how her brother made crafts for Boy Scouts, which they sold, and she shared with me some donuts, which she said she has because she works at a donut shop, and I enjoyed a delicious glaze donut and a banana-filled chocolate sprinkled donut. I got back and recycled some stuff I found along the way back. 

I went down to the dining hall, joined by April along the way, and learned she takes classes on Tuesdays and Thursdays, as she also works in Warrensburg. I also remembered that one thing ASAN does is help college students start campus organizations for autistic students. Then I went down to the library and found several books on Amos Bronson Alcott for my American Renaissance class. I picked them out and then started doing my paper. After that I checked out all those books. I got back and went to dinner, where I saw April sitting with a guy from school and joined them. I learned the man was Alex from my Anthropology of Food class, after he asked me how I enjoyed that class, and we enjoyed talking about classes, and I learned that April had Dr. Yelton for an Intro. to Anthropology class.

I got back to my dorm and made another bracelet. Then I continued working on the one I had been working on for the last two days. I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while I made some more plarn for my belt. I got back and finished making the bracelet I had been working on for the last two days and it looked great.  I also made some more plarn for my belt, while I realized that if my group gets going, I can be a resource for ASAN-KC and all of ASAN to help autistic college students start groups like mine at universities, and that if we educate individual Alpha Xi Delta chapter leaders on Autism Speaks, we can increase the likelihood that the issue will be brought up to the National Council. I also realized that the things we ASAN members make for the silent auction, like the stuff I make, will show the public how committed we ASAN members are to our cause when they see the hard work we’re willing to put into to them.

On Monday I went down to the Verizon store and got my new phone and the protection case.  On my way back I ran into Kriti and she gave me a ride. I got back and read the reading for my Cinematography class. I went to that class where I got ten out of ten on the quiz. Then I just starting feeling frustrated about my struggles to write a good haiku. After class I talked to Erin. I got back and heard Mardy say a guy named Alex was looking for me asking about homework, and I realized it must have been the guy from my Anthropology of Food class. Then I ran on the treadmill for about an hour while reading more of The Art of War. Then I saw Alex at Late Night and he asked if there was any homework due tomorrow, which I told him there wasn’t. I also read down there on my phone that a good haiku commented on something from ones daily life and who it related to life itself. 

I went down to Break Time and got some Doritos, and on my way back I thought about the goose I saw running in the streets of Warrensburg at night, and it reminded me of the saying “Not all who wander are lost.” And that spoke very true to me, like having love interests who are selfish and egotistical and ends up being like a siren to Greek mariners rather than a companion, but we find our way out, just like the goose managed to survive in the city with its cars and traffic. And in the same way, I am like the goose being an autistic in a neurotypical-dominated world. I remembered to that a few yards away, a flock of geese were quacking, as if they missed their member who was missing. Perhaps, I thought remembering how Teigan said they had tried to get me involved with ASAN-KC for a long time, I was the lost goose, and the others were ASAN-KC. Then I thought that goose would make a wonderful subject for a haiku. When I got back Hillary suggested we work on the journal entries another night this week, which was a relief to me. Soon after that I posted on Facebook the news about me good quiz results, to show life as an autistic in college. I also did write a haiku going:

A lone goose

wanders through the streets

in an urban environment.

Not exactly the traditional haiku structure, but oh well.

The next morning, I had breakfast with April. Then I read a lot of the reading for my Anthropology of Food class. After class I read a lot of the reading for my American Renaissance class, while I sat with Josiah. After my Creative Problem-Solving class I got myself a white chocolate blast at Jazzman’s as a reward for all my hard work. I also saw on Facebook that I had gotten a message from a woman named Katie Lindgren, who told me she was a literature teacher at Horizon Academy, and that my former teacher of mine, her colleague, Vicki Asher, referred her to me, saying I had started an autism group at Johnson County Community College. She and her class had just finished reading John Elder Robison’s book Look Me in the Eye about his life with Asperger syndrome, and they really connected to it. They also wanted someone to come talk to them about opportunities out there for adults with autism and wanted to know if I were able to come speak to her class about my transition from Horizon to adulthood. Realizing I don’t have classes on Fridays, I messaged her back saying I could speak to them next Friday. She responded saying that would be great. I realized how we the autistic community, I realized that, like any culture, the beliefs of us autistic people, both temporal and religious, have been shaped by our common experiences. 

That night I ended up missing dinner time in the dining hall. I made another bracelet and then a coaster, realizing afterwards that I needed to make three more coasters to have six sets. I soon came to realize that autism discrimination against females is basically another form of rape because without the right social skills, autistic females may rely on physical intimacy more to stay in a relationship and might not know how to assert their boundaries in such a capacity. I later made another friendship bracelet for the silent auction. Later I went down to Late Night and had a coke while I made a bracelet from plarn. Then I went to Break Time and got some Altoids, trying to ease my sense of disorientation, before going to Planet Sub and eating a big meaty sandwich to make up for the dinner I hadn’t had. I was awake well into the night, and ended up drinking a beer before sleep, getting a new bottle cap for my collection along with it. The next day I then had a realization: that autistic people worked so hard to pretend to be “normal” (not autistic), and that going to an autism group would mean they have to work harder to pretend by having to make sure no one they knew found out they were in it, and thus might not come to the group for that reason. Instantly, I went down to the OAS Office to make an appointment with Barbara on how to mitigate that problem. 

On Saturday I went down to Hillary’s room and met her friend John. After that I met her dad and after we went to the bookstore to get some medicine for his back, which he hurt last night mowing the lawn, we ate brunch outside the Union and got plenty of free stuff. We saw President Ambrose after that, and then went to his lawn where I saw Barbara and Mr. B, and met Jane, a new THRIVE intern, and got plenty more free stuff.  Hillary’s dad left and then she, John, and I went to the football game. She left in the middle to take John home and then I wrote down a list of Autist Dharma posts I wish to do, which numbered to ten. I got back to my dorm and worked on a friendship bracelet for the silent auction, during which time Tyler called. I decided later this weekend I would call him back. I went down to the Burg Fest with Hillary, where I had some old-fashioned root beer. We got dinner and sat down watching a band perform. During that time, I was inspired to write to more haiku from two pictures I shared on Facebook, and I learned that due to Boycott Autism Speaks, Panera Breads had also stopped sponsoring Autism Speaks. Hillary and I also shared kettle corn. Mardy joined us and we saw a fire dancer. Then we were joined by Michelle and I had a caramel apple. The four of us shared funnel cake and I got the idea to use my root beer bottle to make a ship-in-a-bottle for the silent auction, for which I realized I would need really long tweezers that I could probably order off Amazon.

The next morning, I started on my American Renaissance paper. Then I made two more coasters while I saw Drake demand Sara give him back his flip-flops, which he threw at her, and she said to me, “watch out,” and threw them back at Drake. Then I made some more plarn. I called Tyler and apologized for not being able to talk to him yesterday, and then Erin. I got back and made some more plarn while I heard Mom say she and Dave would be in Colorado until next Monday, and she suggested I get a ride home with Granddad on Thursday. Then I finished most of my American Renaissance paper while I worked on another friendship bracelet, while I also saw Sara wrestle Drake outside her dorm. I talked to Granddad, who said that either he or Grandmom would be able to give me a ride back home. Then I went to Break Time and got some Doritos and Altoids. Then I went into the lounge where I hung out with two girls from my hall, Desiree and Kaitlin, and a guy from another hall named Dakota, and we were quickly joined by Sara. I went to the doorway to our hall to talk to them, and then I saw on Sara’s right foot a tattoo that looked strangely like the autism awareness puzzle piece ribbon with purple, blue, red, and yellow puzzle pieces, almost able to tell what the shapes within the ribbon were. I casually sat down to get a better look at it, and she started running her fingers through and twirling her hair, eventually saying she had a knot in it and had to leave to go comb it. Desiree looked over at me smiling.

 

The next Monday I then read more of my Alaskan myth book during brunch. I also realized that if I were to get people to “come out of the autism closet,” I would have to be the first to do so, as Gandhi once stated, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” And suddenly an idea came to me, one that seemed a bit nerve-racking. I took my mind of it, drawing the figures for the diorama for my Cinematography class. After that I drew a poster for with the letters ‘A-S-A-N’ at the top, the words ‘Autistic Self-Advocacy Network’ below that, the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network’s logo below that, the words ‘Kansas City’ below that, the words ‘Nothing about us without us’ below that with the last two words underlined in red as they were at the very bottom, and below that ASAN-KC’s website and Facebook profile picture below it, and posted it out on my door. I realized that most people may know an autistic person or someone who knows an autistic person but would good would it do if so many of these people are not open about their condition. I left for class, feeling anxious about putting the sign on the door, remembering how last year I seemed to do all I could to stay in the autism closet.

After my Cinematography class got out at 6:20, I had some pieces of bread for dinner, as the dining hall closed at 6:30 and the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City meeting started at 7. In the meantime, I worked more on my American Renaissance paper and wrote another haiku. Then I went to the meeting where we talked about an autism app that allowed people to use flowcharts to help them make decisions about work, social media, and face-to-face interaction, and Elizabeth suggested I get several THRIVE students to test it, and I agreed to bring it up to Barbara at my meeting with her on Wednesday. Soon after that we talked about our petition to Netflix, and I agreed to share it with some of my autism groups on Facebook. After that we talked about how we would be presenting at Disability Mentoring Day at Mid-American Nazarene University on October 17. Then we talked about our presentation at JCCC and planned to meet at Spencer’s (one of our members) house to practice for it.

After the meeting I talked to my dad and granddad, telling them about the meeting and the sign I put up on my door, which they thought was a great idea. The day went by and people in the hall still talked to me and treated me very much the same, some even friendlier. The next day after all my classes, I went to the Union and on the way got a good picture of a squirrel up close. There I did a post on Facebook saying:

I have been trying for almost two years to start an autism student organization at my college, the University of Central Missouri, and have been having limited success in getting students to join. What I've heard said is that autistic people often spend their day trying to pass for "normal," or pretending to fit in, and it becomes so exhausting trying to do so and figure out what everyone is thinking. So basically, my goal at each college I have been to is to create a thriving, open autistic culture at them, where autism is not seen as some abnormality, but part of the fabric of the place where people are accepted; a place where people, as I heard it said, can "come out of the autism closet." At JCCC, I believe, I was certainly successful. I started the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Club and it rose up to at least eighty members in under five years, and is on the official list of student organizations. At UCM, the problem has been more difficult. Autistic students live closer and are more frequently in contact with people who might not be so accepting of them as autistic people, people who I have seen more than I wish to at UCM. So therefore, when you take into account the challenges mentioned earlier of trying to fit in, the students also have to sort of hide the fact that they are in an autism group, which we have now decided to call the Autistic Student and Peer Organization instead of the Autism Spectrum Support Group to sound less pathologizing. Basically my challenge is to create a campus where autistics are open and out of the autism closet, and I realized I have to start the trend myself, in other words, "Be the change I wish to see in the world." So yesterday, I found kind of a way to let my school mates and hall mates know I am on the spectrum. I drew a poster with the name of the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City, as well as ASAN's (national) logo, and the ASAN-KC web page and Facebook photo, which I hung outside my door. And I noticed nothing happened to me. People on my hall treated me just the same, saying hi to me and talking to me just as normal. Some even seemed more friendly towards me because I had come out of the autism closet. 

I also put a picture of my poster up with it. Soon afterwards, my friend Riccardo from Horizon shared the post and told Teigan and Marshall from ASAN-KC about it.  Marshall said, “Way too cool!  Thank you Ben, Riccardo.” Soon he and Teigan shared it, along with ASAN-KC, and Ari Ne’eman, the president of ASAN national. A Facebook friend, a father of a teenage autistic boy, who was autistic himself wrote, “Good work, Ben!” Joyce Downing from THRIVE wrote, “Being a positive example is a great first step.” My aunt Laura said, “This is great, Ben. Was wondering if you'd mind if I shared your post to my other Facebook friends? I think it's really well written. And well drawn, too.”  I thanked her and told her she could share it.  My grandmom wrote, “I'd like to share it too Ben. This was a wonderful idea!” My aunt Nini wrote, “Beautifully written, Ben! Here's hoping it will open some doors and some people's minds!” The first one, the father, also wrote, “Ben, if what you're doing were easy, everybody would do it. I tried for three years to get a friend's autistic college student to do some mentoring with my son, but he had worked so hard through high school to "pass" that he had no interest in stepping back into the autistic world. He would have been a great mentor, but was focused on the road ahead. I understood and respect him for his accomplishments (earned a CPA) and a corporate-cube job. Guys like you focus on the road ahead, but figure they may as well make it a bit easier for those coming behind, while they're at it. I applaud you for that.” Beth Rutt, the director of the Rec Center said, “Ben if there is anything we can do to help with your student organization please come see me. I would love to visit with you about the organization and maybe some things we can do to break down a barrier or two.  I'm really sorry to hear that you feel like it's been harder for you to fit in at UCM. If you want to visit come by the Student Activities Office, union 217 or the Student Rec Center. If I'm not at either one Tom or Paula can make an appointment. Hang in there Ben you are a man of great potential.”

On my way back I saw a flock of birds in the sky, realizing that they reach the sky when they work together. I got back and wrote in my poetry journal:

A flock of birds

fly through the sky

together.

             I decided I would do one yarn painting of several birds flying.

Later I hung out with Sara, Cameron, Jessie, and a friend of Sara’s. I then got a closer look at Sara’s tattoo and saw the shapes in there were indeed puzzle pieces. All the while I worked on another friendship bracelet for the silent auction, and a guy from my hall named Giovanni came up to me and said he would pay for a friendship bracelet like the one I was making to be done in green, white, and red, the colors of the Italian flag. Sara, Cameron, Jessie, and I all went down to Late Night together, and as I was about to tell Sara about my squirrel picture she shushed Cameron. Then we went up to watch the movie together, though Sara left some time before it started, and I went to go see where she was. After not finding her, I went and sorted some recycling around campus. Then I got back and made some more plarn.

Later I knocked on Sara’s door, around twelve, and said, “Hi, I…"

She said, “Sssuusshh. Keep your voice down.”

             She was right. I didn’t realize how loud it was and it was past quiet hours, and I was glad she had my back. I explained to her that I didn’t see her during the movie and was wondering where she’d been. She said she had gotten back a little later after I left. Then she noticed my plastic bags, asking, “What are you doing with those?”

             “Just making some plastic bag yarn, or plarn.”

             “Ok, well have fun with that.”

             She smiled and went back into her room.

             The next morning, I went to my meeting with Barbara where I realized an article written by Haley Moss on coming out of the autism closet may be a good resource for finding out how to make other autistic UCM students do the same, and interestingly enough, the article is from a girl with autism. I realized that if we could put a poster in the OAS Office’s display case on girls with autism and their signs and struggles, their friends might be better able to prevent them from running into the sorts of struggles those girls often face, and thus UCM’s female autistic population may see it’s better for them to be out of the autism closet than in it.  Barbara also suggested we put The Friend of Autism Pledge on the OAS and THRIVE Blackboard and the OAS subscription e-mail, as well as on the OAS display case. Then I posted The Friend of Autism Pledge on The Autist Dharma. After that I got some staples at the Union bookstore, printed a copy of The Friend of Autism Pledge off at the Lovinger building, and hung it up on my door, with a sheet to sign it behind it, so no one would feel uncomfortable with others seeing their name and autistic students wouldn’t feel like they live on a campus unfriendly to autism if they didn’t see any signatures, but of course I put my name down. After that I took all my pull tabs to the front desk, as Ellis was having a pull tab contest between North, South, and East Ellis.

                It started raining that day and I went to relax in the third-floor lounge. Afterwards I saw Sara walking through the lounge I was sitting in saying she was going to roll up her car window in the rain, though by that time it had already mostly stopped raining. I drank some more coffee afterwards, and then worked on my yarn painting some more. After that I went down to dinner with my hall, where I was joined by a student who I had never seen on the hall before. I made my bracelet for Giovanni, during which time I saw Sara and Cameron walk through the lounge that I was sitting in. Then I gave Giovanni his bracelet, and he paid me for it, for which I would give the proceeds to the screening of Citizen Autistic, for which ASAN-KC was holding their silent auction for. After that I went to Late Night.  I also made some more plarn. Then I sorted a lot of recycling throughout UCM, and then got back to the dorm and made some more plarn, and soon Hillary and Mardy came up and we hung out together.

                The next day I went to study for my Anthropology of Food test, which was the next day. I then went on my UCM e-mail account and saw that I hadn’t noticed the e-mail I had gotten from the Office of Student Activities saying the meeting was scheduled for today at 3:30. Shocked, I sent out an e-mail to all our members and Barbara, though I didn’t expect much attendance from sending it out at the last minute. Suddenly I packed up all my things, went back to my dorm, and worked on creating a sheet of our four basic rules for the group-Compliments, Courtesy, Confidentiality, and Conference, meaning you could meet with a peer mentor if you saw fit), a sheet on the peer mentor’s role, and about the way our group meets, to help the members understand it like I do. I went to the Union computer lab and printed off ten copies of these things. Then I went to the meeting at its scheduled time and Barbara came and met with me. Sure enough, we were the only ones there, but we did discuss some ideas that would help make the group more attractive. 

The next morning, I took my Anthropology of Food test in the Testing Center and felt I did fairly good. After that I read some of the reading for my American Renaissance class. After classes I got the idea to use my bottle from the Burg Fest to make a sand bottle painting. Then Granddad drove me to his and my grandmom's house, and along the way I found out how to do bottled sand paintings on my phone. At their house, Hurley, for the first time, brushed up against my leg, and I realized I forgot my medications and told my grandmom and granddad, and they agreed to give me rides to my destinations his week. Then my grandmom took me to Hen House to get some food for the weekend at home, and on the way, she said I should ask Sara about her tattoo. We went to Hen House where I saw Lee, who seemed happy to see me, and got some drinks with a new bottle cap for me to collect. Then we got the number of Dr. Mays at Bruce Smith Drugs so I could call him, and he could give me a refill of my medication prescriptions so I could get my medication. Then we went to Minskey’s together. After that I got back and called Erin. I also made some more plarn. Soon after that I learned that ASAN-KC is meeting at Spencer’s house at 4 on Saturday from Teigan, as well as that she might be coming to UCM as a commuter student next semester and realized she may be someone who could help in the group. 

 

Autism Acceptance Month Week 4

The next day I started getting back to reading The Goddess and the Bull. On Wednesday I went to a Sex Education Egg Hunt in the football field near Ellis where I met Mardy and we found several eggs, which had condoms, and also these strange, much larger female condoms. On Thursday I went with Hillary, Phillip, and Mardy to an Egg Hunt near the Union, where Hillary told me how some friends from Alpha Sigma Alpha explained to her how the female condoms we found at the egg hunt were used.

             “How do they know this?” I asked.

             “Because they participate in a lot of these functions."

             “What!"

Later I went on Blackboard, and I found out that I had gotten fifty out of fifty points on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. On Friday I got the pictures and texts all together for my Autism Acceptance Month poster and Barbara sent me an e-mail about a mentoring group for THRIVE students on the spectrum, where I could share my ideas and help attract a core group of THRIVE students to my group. I e-mailed her saying I thought that was good idea, and she e-mailed me back saying she would bring it up at the next THRIVE meeting. After all that I made a wallet from Kool-Aid packs, which I got several favorable comments on over the next few days. I spent two hours outdoors while reading The Goddess and the Bull, and also took my Bilbo wood burning with me, as they say in Zen that any finished art piece can be an object of meditation, and to me it was a meditation on taking a risk and stepping out of your front door. On Saturday I started typing up my papers for my World Archaeology class and Film Appreciation class. I also took several miksang photos while managing to slow down in my life. On Sunday I realized my poster board I had gotten from the Union wasn’t big enough to hold the stuff I was going to put on the poster board, so I walked down to Walgreen’s in the rain and found a different one, and ended up getting splashed by a puddle moved a van driving by me. When I got back I still didn’t know any way to print off the pictures, and after much frustration, I found one at the computer center in the library at 11:40 at night, which printed color documents for twenty-five cents, though I had already paid for documents I printed off in black-and-white without having first realized I had to set the printer to color. I got back and finished my poster board and Sinho asked to get a picture so he could show it to his girlfriend in South Korea. 

 

                On Monday morning I went to the Union at eight and set up the poster. I spent much of the rest of the day finishing The Goddess and the Bull outside with a drink from Einstein’s, which brought up much memories for me, and by the end of the day I hadn’t gotten to my weekly posts for Autism Acceptance Month. The next day however, after getting a picture of a poster near my World Archaeology class of a famous celebrity shaking hands with Saddam Hussein, and getting myself a coffee drink as a reward for my efforts, I got done three posts for The Autist Dharma: Me Casa Su Casa (If I Can Manage): A Forum on Independent Living, Someone Stole Your Identity?  How Bad Do You Want it Back on Charles Darwin’s (another autistic’s) contribution to forensic science, and a post called Towards RealAutism Awareness, describing the social/cultural model of autism as opposed to the medical model. The next day I found out someone had the third post on Google. The next day I found a mint in the Ellis stairwell that encouraged me to keep going through my day and finally managed to finish my book report for The Goddess and the Bull. I also took more time to slow down and got some more miksang photos. I accidentally missed the mandatory meeting for my hall, but Maria saw me and told me it was ok and told me all I needed to do to check out.

 

 

Great Losses

The next morning I made a braided leather bracelet and read my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa textbook while I was at breakfast. I also realized I’m doing a lot of good for the autistic community by providing information on local resources. Then I worked on some bracelets, which will have some Thich Nhat Hanh quotes, and some necklaces, which will say “UCM,” made from my leather scraps. I also ate dinner with Alex, Anna, Amanda, and Kriti, the former of who told me Culture Night is next Saturday at 6. She also told me of the Thai iced tea they had down at Siam.

I got back and read that Zen teaches that any art, whether painting, calligraphy, or tea ceremony, can be an object of meditation when they are finished. I watched a lot of The Bicycle Thief and was amazed that I was able to pick up on some of the Italian with the help of the English subtitles.  While running, I read a lot of the reading for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class and talked to Jacob and Wonyang. When I got back I told my granddad how I had started growing tired of arts and crafts, including flute-playing and photography, and would have loved to do something like archery, or even horse-back riding, one of the eight original contemplative arts, of it were available in this environment, and he said I had a lot of talent and needed to take some time for myself. I almost felt as if I had no work this weekend. I thought while I took a shower that I could pay my flute outside as few people will be out there in that weather, and I could use it to lift the spirits of people walking in this weather, but also that I could do some rock-climbing at the Rec Center, which could be a meditation on bravery, and I could invite Sinho along, as well as Hillary and Philip if they’d be willing to brave this weather. I read about a lot of the Tibetan Buddhist saints in my Lonely Planet books trying to get a perspective on my creative apathy, and I read that many of them were poets, singers (I play the flute, as I’m not much of a singer most times), artists, activists, and inventors, and suddenly I felt more connected to my usual passions, and that somehow, all was truly wonderful.

                The next morning I figured out more of my travel plans to Tibet. After meditating and showering I ate breakfast with Autrey. I got back and collected some sand on my floor from my shoes into one of my Altoids tins. I watched more of The Bicycle Thieves. Then I had dinner with Connor before getting back to watching finishing the movie. I also started on my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa post which I didn’t finish today because it was due for full credit today at 3, not 12, and it now basically doesn’t matter when I get it in before the deadline. After running I finished my Film Appreciation paper. I also took a shower again to keep myself awake for my meditation journal. 

    

The next day I also ate munch with Anna, Oscar, Mary, and Levi. Afterwards I saw a link Laci had shared about a fundraiser that was to something to do with helping people who dealt with a loss, but I hardly could pay attention in my dazed state of mind and liked it instantly. I realized that she could really be nervous about her presentation, which I could understand from going on television with Chris Hernandez. I also took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal with another shower. 

I sorted some more recycling before going to bed the next morning. Later I also saw Barbara liked my warrior picture, and Jamie liked my post about Alexis Wineman’s call for acceptance, and that Brittany Pallone from my high school, and Michael liked my post on the Combat Autism Act. I ate at Siam afterwards and had some delicious Thai Iced Tea for the first time with my meal. I got back and made another heart-shaped pin from straws. I worked on my yarn made from plastic bags while I ran on the treadmill. I got back and I talked to Tyler and wished him a happy birthday, then to my dad, while I worked made another flower and two more heart-shaped pins from straws, and my dad told me that if one girl can like Tyler, then so can another. At Late Night I worked on my plarn for my bag.

I wrote my thank you note to Uncle Andy and Aunt Marge, and then read a lot of the reading for my Film Appreciation class, during which time I decided to check out and watch some of those films they mention on DharmaFlix and other Buddhist reviews, especially the comedy ones like American Beauty, to help figure out my filmmaking style some more. Then I mailed my note before going to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group meeting. There we decided to e-mail agendas to people to get their interest level up, while Barbara thought of some potential guest speakers such as a man who started a sports team for people with disabilities, which could cause people in my group to join and introduce others who might join to my group, and someone from the speech clinic, while I suggested someone from Trio. I also decided we could send out a Survey Monkey survey to the THRIVE students about what times would work for them and what activities they would like, and that I could invite the THRIVE students to an informal gathering in the Chic Filet area so I could speak to them about the group, and get together to see a movie at the Union theater with THRIVE students as well as Hillary, Philip, and Mardy and invite members and potential members along, and send e-mails out to the heads of groups like the Association of Student Social Workers and the Psychology Club, to forward to their members in case they’re interested, and Barbara told me that there’s an organization of education and special education students. I realized that the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group having eighty members should really spread a lot of awareness about autism and in a small town like Warrensburg it could do a lot more, and Barbara suggested we could open up the group to high school students in Warrensburg. She also liked my idea of me giving prizes to the THRIVE program for their award ceremonies.  She also said the sorority that helped set up the THRIVE formal may be willing to help us.

“What sorority was that?” I asked.

“Alpha Sigma Alpha.”

I saw my mom had thanked me for sending her the petition about the Combat Autism Act and said she would see what she could do. Then I set up another meeting for next Wednesday, and e-mailed Sean asking if he could send me all the papers we used for the JCCC group when he had the chance, though I later found out I sent it to the wrong address. I worked some more on my yarn while running and when I got back I told my dad about all the ideas Barbara and I had for the group, and he thought they were really good. Then at Late Night, I saw Hillary and Philip, and worked on my yarn.  Again I took a shower to keep myself awake for my meditation journal.

The next morning I had lunch with Anna and another THRIVE, both of whom saw me and just sat down next to me, while I read more of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I also decided to use the wood I found for wood burning and buy balsa wood, or whatever my dad said is the softest type of wood preferred by woodcarvers, to carve Buddha and Merlin figurines student, I did see Laci walking by after class, too far from me for me to greet her, though she saw me, and indeed there was a touch of fear in her face. Then I got back and worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam, which I decided to just to give one of away for door prizes. I also talked to my granddad, who liked all the ideas Barbara and I came up with yesterday. I read more of the reading for my Film Appreciation class afterwards. Then I found out I got a ten out of ten on last week’s post for my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa class. I watched Bartholomew’s Song, and wrote and saved my post for it, though I didn’t yet post it as the computer wouldn’t let me, and I found out it’s not due for full credit until Sunday so I didn’t have to take care of it just now. Later that night I talked to my mom who also liked our ideas for the group before going down to a gas station and getting some snacks, including two bottled drinks with new caps for my collection, including, for the sake of collecting, a Monster Energy drink. On my way back I picked up several more recyclables, and when I got to my dorm I found that, to my surprise, the Monster Energy drink did not taste so bad, though I didn’t think I would be drinking it again. 

The next morning, before going to bed, I realized that I really gave Emily a reason to like me when she, Jack, and I were at a drugs and alcohol talk and the speaker asked us all if we had ever lost a loved one due to drugs and alcohol, and Emily, who had, started crying and I caressed her back, and the next morning in class the subject of a friend of hers who died a long time ago came up, and she started crying, and I caressed her back again, and she started crying and I caressed her back, and when Jack’s mom died and she started crying I put my arm around her. I also had a dream where Emily was staying near me for a while and talked to me in a very romantic voice as though she hadn’t realized we hadn’t talked for the last few months and wondered if that meant we were back together if I wanted it to be so, which I wouldn’t have minded in the dream, though I realized we would still be in a long-distance relationship. After meditating and showering, I looked up ‘ex-girlfriend’ in the dream dictionary, and it said it doesn’t necessarily mean you still have feelings for the girl, but that you’ve come a long way since the relationship, but you can also perhaps have fond memories of it, and something about that relationship may be manifesting in a current relationship. I took my Modern Sub-Saharan Africa test and I’m most certain I did well on it and may even have gotten one hundred.  Then I saw on Laci’s Facebook page a fund for the families of two female UCM students in Alpha Sigma Alpha who had been killed in a car wreck on March 1^st, and I realized Laci probably knew them through Greek interaction, so I posted on her page saying I would attend the vigil on the 12th, which I read about in the e-mail, and that I was of a mind that she knew those students and in that case I wanted to offer my condolences as much and as powerfully as I could, though it’s just not enough, and I shared the link on my page, wishing much metta to the girls and their loved ones. I somehow thought back strongly to Emily. I also learned I later posted a post about a vigil for disability advocates who were murdered by their trusted caregivers, wishing them much metta, which Brittany liked very quickly.  I invited several friends to like the National Council on Independent Living and the Kansas Center for Autism Research and Training, and Elizabeth accepted my invitation to the first and Jamie and Britney accepted my invitation to K-CART.  Two friends unfriended me perhaps because of all these invitations, but that was ok as I don’t need them. I ate dinner later with Connor, Mary, and Paige.  I also talked to my granddad about what I did with Laci and he said I had a way with words and was bound to show Laci I was thinking of her and the circle of people affected by these deaths, and it would mean a lot to Laci, and that how I comforted Emily gave her all the more reason to like me.  I worked on my plarn some more on the treadmill, and when I got back I talked to my dad, who was sure that my words to Laci would mean a lot to her, who I suddenly felt so bad for, along with many others.  I called my dad again to ask him what was considered to be the best wood for woodcarving and he said bass, which you could get on Amazon. I then went down to Break Time and got a new non-crown bottle cap from my drink there and some Altoids, and picked up and recycled some recyclables on my way back. I made another heart-shaped pin and three more flowers from straws. I called my mom to tell her I was doing well on medication and she said she had some new bottle caps for me from Hawaii. I took a shower again to keep myself awake to write in my meditation journal. I also realized that it was kind of interesting that Emily kept having ways to bring up her friend’s deaths and cried so many times. Somehow, not as if these two things were related, I remembered Facebook also told me that Emily was a mutual friend of Laci’s, perhaps from the Rush Week, where Emily had been invited to her organization. Something was going on in my head, yet at the time I seemed to be unable to make heads or tails of it. 

That next morning however I did not get one second of sleep. I could not help but think of the girls, Erin Hook and Jennifer Reeder, and the people who were affected by it, and I knew all too well why. I thought of the parents and how the heard of this accident with no warning on what seemed like an ordinary day and what caused it would never change. I cried unable to help myself, and as I waited for a video on my phone on the deaths to come up, I simply panicked saying, “Come on!”  As Sinho heard me moaning as if I had been stabbed, he said calmly, “Are you alright? Are you sick?”

“No, I’m fine, Sinho. Sorry, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“Ah, no, no, no.”

I also suddenly felt it was interesting to note that when Emily had cried about the loss of her friends two years ago while in our Learning Strategies class, and I caressed her back, I remembered our teacher, Mrs. Carter smiled at me and said, “Ben, it’s ok.” Moreover, I remembered how for one of our assignments on goal setting, I put “find a girlfriend,” and during the THRIVE meeting I had with her (something all students did), she mentioned that goal, and offered as a bit of friendly advice to, “surround myself with friends and when I least expected it, it would happen,” remarkably similar to what my granddad had said when he heard Emily and I were dating. I felt better as I ate with Mary, Anna, and Paige, who all planned to go down to Planet Sub with anyone who would come, and I said I’d come if they’d like that, and Mary said very serenely that I could come and hang out with them whenever I wanted. I remembered how Buddhism teaches that love is the bond that awakens us all from our illusion of separateness, which is in fact, the source of our suffering. I went down with Oscar and Paige-Mary went home for that day-and I heard Ryan knew the two girls. I went down to Ryan’s room and gave him my condolences and offered to go down to the vigil on Wednesday, and he appreciated it, hugged me, and lent me a shirt for the service. Ryan also said the THRIVE group might meet on Monday at 7:30 in the Ellis TV Lounge. I decided I would make those coasters for Aunt Laura over the break and donate a portion of the money to the scholarship fund created in one of the girl’s honor, and another portion to the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network. I also wrote a post on my other blog The Autist Dharma, wishing all the loved ones of Hook and Reeder my condolences, and then (partly for feeling I had to reward my viewers for reading a post that was not directly autism or Buddhism-related, wrote a post evaluating a summit meeting on autism in November of 2013. It had been my first two Autist Dharma posts in months, even if only one was what I intended to do with the blog, and really wanted to go out and celebrate. I went to the Culture Night, where one performance that interested me was the Buddhist dance from Korea, and I videotaped several performances until my camera had no more memory. I went back to my dorm and went to sleep without writing in my meditation journal as I was so tired and felt so bad because I promised to write in here the next day, for my children, and felt a little annoyed.  

The next morning I realized that you can remember the great times you have with people like those girls without feeling sorrow, like I do about many things in my life that have come to pass, and that my thoughtfulness towards the people affected will show I can appreciate what they feel. I also realized that I helped quite a few THRIVE students and Horizon students by being a role model for good social skills, and that I could take more pictures by getting some on my computer and deleting them on my phone. That day I ate with Antwon and made a lot of plarn for a belt, but got so frustrated as it could tangled up and I got short with Sinho as he tried to help and shook the plarn in my anger and the yarn seemed to whip him in his face.

“Ow, you hit me.”

“Oh, Sinho. I’m sorry!” I exclaimed, feeling guilty, and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “It’s ok.”

When I ran on the treadmill, I didn’t even bother sorting the recycling because I was too tired. I did make a lot of progress on the belt, which I wanted for the vigil so I could have a nice belt, as my current one was very raggedy. 

 

The next day I did a lot of work on my belt, and the day after that I got up early to read some reading for my Early American Literature class and do some laundry. Patty, the kind elderly woman who worked at the swipe-in counter, saw my belt and inquired. I told her about it and she nodded sympathetically. She also said, “Honey, you’re shaking. You need to eat more.” I heard in my Early American Literature class a person saying that one of the girls, an elementary education major, made some kids at the Warrensburg school stop wearing those bracelets that said “Boobies,” and that there were so many more important things going on. I did not feel upset about how they talked about Hook. On the contrary, I felt rather glad for them: I was happy they could be so unaffected, unlike how I was. I saw on Alpha Sigma Alpha’s Facebook page that Philip liked several posts about the girls, and saw Hillary had changed her Facebook picture to those girl’s pictures and knew them. I felt better thinking of the bottle caps Mom had for me and when I saw some apple pie in the cafeteria. I went down to Crazy Dog’s thinking that if I had both apple pie and found another bottle cap that night, it was a sign that universe wanted me to be happy, and I got two new bottle caps from a soda and a beer, and would get a new bottle cap from a different beer the next night. I didn’t enjoy it like I would have because I saw a girl sitting at a table and on the back of her shirt it said “Alpha Sigma Alpha,” and I wanted to wish her my condolences and finish my beer so I could leave afterwards if it wasn’t the right thing to do. I figured She won’t enjoy those girls for the rest of her life, so I can give up enjoying beer for one night, and I said I realized she was from ASA, and after I wished her my condolences, her face just lit up and she thanked me. 

The next day I also finished my belt. I also got a new bottle cap from a beer that, this time, I decided to savor at Crazy Dog’s. I sorted some recycling at the Rec Center as usual. I called Hillary via Ryan’s phone and we agreed to go down together with Ryan, Philip, and Mardy. I told her about how I had cried over the loss and she seemed rather surprised, as well as touched by it. She said she had also lost a pet and a grandparent this semester.  I asked Hillary, “These two girls, did they have boyfriends?”

“Yes,” said Hillary.  “And they are just devastated!”

I thought though that the girl’s significant others would learn to love from this experience in a way that would enrich any relationship they had in a year from now, which is often how long it takes to move on. I realized there’s more to grief than mourning: there’s rediscovering your identity. I realized that I however, have always had something to give me an identity. 

I saw Hillary the next morning and she agreed with me on the girl’s boyfriends. I also met John as I met with Hillary after her Trio classes. I realized the kindness I show the people suffering is contagious, and the kindness I show people in general is contagious, as is the kindness you show all people about anything. As I was going down to the UCM Autism Spectrum Support Group Game Night I saw Laci going in that direction, and I said, “Hi, how are you?” and she smiled widely, looking me straight in the eye and said, “Good. How are you?” She did look kind of shaken as she looked at me.  She walked down to the end of the hallway where our room was, only to go up the stairs in a direction that she could have taken on the floor above me.

Tom was at Game Night and I felt truly myself there, but still very shaken by the girl’s deaths. I went down to Crazy Dog’s and got that other bottle cap there and had a beer to make up for the one I hadn’t enjoyed the last night. As I walked back I picked up some recyclables and a woman at the Campus House saw me doing that there and called out “Thank you,” to me. Ryan came to my room and I gave him a brownie from the game night that Barbara had made, hoping to give one to Hillary, Philip, and Mardy, but Ryan and I ended up meeting the others at Mardy’s room. At the vigil I let Ryan and another guy use my candle to light theirs and had my arm around Hillary and Ryan a lot of the time.  Candle light always seemed to have something moving to it, and I thought perhaps that was why it has been used for meditation in the Tibetan Buddhist faith. I teared up when I heard one of the girl’s friends hear about how the girl’s died when she was expecting to hang out with them after work in her hometown an hour’s drive away, and how one of the girl’s was going to be an aunt. Of all of us, Mardy seemed to be the most composed of the group, though I thought to myself that didn’t necessarily mean anything. I saw Mckenzie, and went up to her and asked if she was alright, and she looked me straight in the eye and said she was.  I asked Emily from my Drawing I class, who teared up in a friend’s arms if she was alright and she said she was ok. Afterwards, the five of us went down to New China Buffet together, talking about the girls, and I organized a toast to them. I also heard Hillary say no one had heard from Emily and they didn’t even know if she was still alive. I said, “Well I guess Emily was a little immature.

The next morning I thought of how the significant others may need a year or so to move on, but even then, in that time, they may develop fondness and closeness for people around them. That next day I felt much better about the girls, though still too tired to read that much of the reading for my Early American Literature class. I realized some days are just harder than others, and whatever we need to do to grief, we just need to do. As the day progressed however, I thought of what Hillary said about Emily and my heart starting aching and I couldn’t focus on anything else. I had said the night before that she was a typical immature attention-loving college girl. I wished I had said she was loyal, selfless, hard-working, brave, polite, and a good friend. She invited me to everything she went to, stuck by my whenever I vented my about anything Cassie-related on her or Jack, always interested in hearing about what was going on with Cassie and I, and comforted me when it looked bleak, even though she liked me, was at Jack’s mom’s funeral with me, knew her rights as someone with ADHD in school and was able to stand up for herself, and was very good with children. Had Emily joined Alpha Omicrom Pi, as she had been invited to, would they have given her such a wonderful vigil? I felt Emily deserved it at least as much as Hook and Reeder. As I entered my World Archaeology class and sat down, Yelton seemed to have some sympathy to his demeanor that I had not noticed in him before. I was relieved anyway to find gotten a ninety-five percent on my test which he handed back. 

I did find out Emily was alive though and that her grandfather at age seventy-five had died on December 4^th. As my mom arrived at UCM, I was relieved to hear her say, “I guess you’re kind of tired to drive, huh?” 

I explained to her that this was indeed the case, and how the girl’s deaths had affected me.  She was shocked, considering I had only met them once or twice at the THRIVE formals, and said, “As hard as it is, people do move on.” 

I told her about Emily, and after talking about it for a few minutes, she said, “Ben, I wonder, maybe a girl who would be best is for you is,” she paused, and continued, “a girl on the spectrum: someone who understands what you have.” 

I sighed. Part of me in fact, still had trouble resisting that idea. I also thought a great deal back to Cassie, and thought how strange it was that so many of the things I loved about her-her socially isolated sort of existence, her often frantic desire to keep up with all her school demands, her messy hair, her youthful looks, her incredible singing voice, and her pursuit of a helping profession-were all things that Tania Marshall, the world’s leading specialist in girls with Asperger syndrome, mentioned in girls as common traits of Asperger syndrome. I also knew that had Cassie been still at UCM, she would have indeed been very comforting and compassionate towards my grief over these girls. 

After I got home I talked to Erin to plan for us to get together over Spring Break, so we could both give each other our Christmas and birthday presents we had gotten each other,and catch up on our lives. She seemed very friendly after I had told her about the girls and how I broke down in tears over them. A few minutes later I saw on my phone a text that said, “Hey.”

“Hey.” I replied. “Who is this?”

“Emily.”

“I’m sorry which Emily?  It’s just I know a lot of Emily’s.”

“From THRIVE.”

We started texting back and forth, as if we had never gone a long period without talking, and eventually I told her how two girls who we met at the THRIVE formal and with the sorority that organized it, had died in a car wreck.

“Aww.” She texted. I mentioned to her that I had broken down in tears after hearing about it, and at the vigil.

“Aww.  Im sorry.”  She texted back.

“Thank you.” I texted her. 

I guess Emily had not wanted to be my girlfriend still. That was ok. Part of me believed, hoped, felt, or perhaps knew that something great appeared to be on its way, even if it ever seemed unlikely to me, or anyone, that it was in fact a good thing for me.