Winter Break January 3-11

My mom and I were back in Kansas City after a week of being in Colorado. The day after we got back, we took my phone to Verizon Wireless, where we were able to get me into a new phone using my UCM e-mail account. However, I was not able to figure out the e-mail address and password to get into my old account.

                The next day I went to Starbuck’s again, and later I went to the hardware store and got some more hot glue. After that I got back and made my cross of reclaimed wood. I then finished my bottle cap snake that I had started on some time ago. Then I finished another coaster made from receipts. The next day I went to my appointment with Dr. Mays before getting my flu shot. Later I deposited my tuition check and got my prescription from Dr. Mays in the mail.

                After that I called work and found out I’m off all this week. Then I made fourteen more bracelets from old glow bracelets and strips of snack wrappers. After that I went down to Better Cheddar where I got a new bottle cap from my drink. I also went to Starbuck’s where I got the idea to make an autistic mandala. Then I made my mandala. I also had a dinner of cheese, crackers, garlic cloves, spicy hummus, moose spread, and spicy hummus with my mom. I also talked to my dad, and he liked the mandala that I showed him in a picture. After that I called Jack. I also worked on another snake made from bottle caps.

                I worked on my snake. I also did some laundry and had a peppered chicken sandwich on a sandwich roll with some spicy hummus. Then I went to Bruce Smith and got the Goosebumps book Welcome to Dead House. After that I went down to Starbuck’s where I got the idea to make Buddhist monk sculptures from pinecones and learned about a new Lord of the Rings fan film called The Two Hunters, though lotr.wikia.com said it might not ever be completed. I decided to order some on-line. I also worked on some more receipt coaster and bottle cap snake. I also talked to Tyler.

                The next day I went to Starbuck’s again. I also went to eat with Dad at Minsky’s, where he brought up the subject of what I would do with my career after UCM.

              “Well,” I said, “I would like to do things for the autistic community.”

                “Well, have you thought of getting a degree in Social Work? They do have a program at Columbia and UMKC.”

                “Well, I’d really like to go into Disability Studies.”

                “Oh, I don’t know anything about that.”

                I got back and talked to my Granddad, telling him about the conversation with my dad. 
                “I mean,” I said, “I think I can find a way to get into Disability Studies.”

                “Uh-hu,” he said in a non-committal tone.

                “What?!”

                “I mean maybe you should talk to someone about this. I don’t know anything about this.”

                “Well, what, do you think I can’t do anything for the autistic community with my career without a social work degree.”

                “No, I just said maybe you should talk to someone who knows more about it than I do.”

                “Of course.”

                The next day picked up Tyler and ate lunch in Lawrence. Then we went to visit the Topeka Capitol Building. We got back and had dinner. Then we spent a lot of time watching Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers. During that time, Jack called and said he would be able to get together the next day.

                I took some time to saw the edges of the boards I brought back from Colorado for my bottle cap signs. Afterwards I went back to Verizon and got my mom and I new chargers. I got back and started getting all my stuff to go to UCM together. After that I went down to Starbuck’s.

                I got back and talked to my granddad, saying to him what I had wanted to say for two days, “Look, I’ve started two groups, two blogs, spoke at a camp and a school for autistic children, and went on Chris Hernandez’s show about autistic adults. I think I can do something even without a social work degree to really help the autistic community with my career!”

                “Well, I do, too,” he said.

                “Really?”

                “Yes. I think you’re going to do wonderful things.”

                “Well thank you. I’m sorry. I was wrong to get so short with you.”

                “Oh, it’s no problem. You were just stressed out.”

                 I drove over to Jack’s place, and he was happy to let me take pictures of his art to share with Artists and Autism. Then we went down to Salsa Grill where I told him about The Friend of Autism Pledge and what it was for, and he agreed to have a look at it when we got back. Once we did, he read over it, thought it was a great idea, and that he would be happy for me to add his name to the list. After that we watched The Sandlot, which I actually enjoyed pretty well. 

                When I got back, I reposted The Friend of Autism Pledge on Facebook. I got back and paid my student tuition. Then I filled out my voting ballet. After that I washed my coat and other laundry. Then my dad got here and delivered my textbooks, a head massager, and several bottle caps, from which I got two new ones from my collection. After that I packed up my stuff for UCM. I went down to Minsky’s and treated myself to some buffalo wings. Then I went to Hen House and had some donuts. My mom paid me for the dinner I got myself, and then I shared one of Jack’s paintings on Artists and Autism. 

                The next day I cuddled with Peter some more while learning about the different species of mammals in Africa. Then I packed up my stuff all the way and loaded it into my mom’s car. I drove down to UCM, feeling perfectly relaxed about driving on the highway. I got to UCM and unpacked. I also learned that I have a new roommate named Jeremy. I met Jeremy, his parents, and his girlfriend, Lisa, who I learned was a child development major and a song leader. 

“What is that?” I asked.

“I lead songs for my sorority.”

“Oh, what sorority is that?”

“AO Pi.”

             “Oh”,

             “We’re cool," she said.

Soon after that I restored my CD mandala some more. Then I went to Crazy Dog’s where I got a new bottle cap for my collection from my drink and enjoyed The Simpsons, albeit only with subtitles. I got back and ran on the treadmill for about an hour, though having forgotten my headphones, and learned more about mammals in South Africa. Then I got back and got to know Jeremy, including that he is a junior pre-med transfer student from a community college in St. Charles and goes home once a month to work with the Marines, which he is in. After that I talked to Erin, who reminded me that it is up to me whether I continue with my schooling after college.

Rainbow color interior often used to represent autism along with the rainbow infinity symbol for autism, the golden hat for the Golden Hat Foundation for autism, gold-light up during April for Autism Acceptance Month, dragonfly of the Autism Women's Network, glowing head of ThAutCast, waving hands of Autism Positivity Flash Blog, the rainbow septagram of the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network, the flames of the Autism Network International, and red-also light up during April for Autism Acceptance.

Visiting My Brothers and Sisters

            On Saturday morning in the middle of September I drove down to the Overland Park Convention Center for the Kansas City Ability Expo featuring artists from the Kansas City area, including Teigan and Marshall from the Autistic Self-Advocacy Network of Kansas City. After a little trouble finding the directions I got there and sure enough I saw them, sitting at a table with Teigan selling some of her drawings and Marshall selling comic books of his. They both seemed very happy to see me. Teigan told me that Elizabeth had come earlier.  

             “Thanks for coming!” she said.

Teigan told me at the Expo about ASAN-KC’s new petition to Netflix to get them to show more movies with positive portrayals of disability, as she said when you search ‘disability’ on there, the first thing that comes up is Autism Speaks’ film Sounding the Alarm. I told them about how I had recently been working on my letter to Alpha Xi Delta national president Sandy Edwards trying to persuade AZD to withdraw their sponsorship of Autism Speaks. Teigan told me that they at ASAN-KC had e-mailed them several times, each time getting back a “sorry, but not sorry” response. She suggested that we could try reaching out to individual chapter leaders instead to try and get all that we could on our side and until much of AZD had changed its viewpoint that Sandy Edwards would have to respond. I told her though that if individual chapter leaders stopped supporting AS, they could face extreme consequences from the National Council of AZD. Then I told her my idea for getting at least two hundred people from the autism community to put one-star reviews on AZD’s page criticizing their support of AS, since they now had an average review rating of 4.7 stars out of sixty-seven reviews and if we got two hundred or so autistics to put one-star reviews on their page, their average rating would drop so much and we could get their attention. Teigan liked that idea. I also told her my idea to get a bunch of us to put comments on their posts about their work with AS. She told me however that whenever someone puts a negative comment about AS on their page, they delete it and block the person.

                “Ok,” I said thinking heavily on the issue.

                “It’s alright,” said Teigan. “What’s that saying the squeaky wheel gets the oil?”

                 I met several artists at the Expo including an older woman with Cerebral Palsy, the mother of a non-verbal autistic girl who made several drawings, a deaf woman who gave me a pad of paper and a pen to communicate with her, and an older man with a speech impediment, who made fantastic prints and paintings. There were tables selling handbags, crochet patterns, paper cards with 3-dimensional flowers, and much more. I ended up getting two bookmarks for an optional donation and for $3 a card that said, “Thinking of you,” for when I find the love of my life and am away from her for a long time.  Before I left I went to say goodbye to Teigan and Marshall.  

                “Thanks for coming!” she said once more.

                “Sure,” I said.

                “You’re practically one of our favorite members. You’re a…what’s that word I’m thinking of?” she asked Marshall.

                “Asset,” he said.

                “Yes. I know, I’m just so tired, but yeah. We’ve been trying to get you involved for a long time… You’re like famous in the local community!”

                “Well, thank you,” I said.

                I finished saying goodbye to Teigan and Marshall taking some ASAN-KC business cards to give to people who might be interested in them. Then I went down to the lower floor, about to walk to my car and drive home when I got a call on my phone. Unable to see the Caller ID number because my screen was cracked I answered it, and a female voice came up, with me having trouble finding out whose it was because it sounded so similar at first to other female voices I know. Finally I found out who it was.  It was Erin. 

                “Sorry," I said, "I couldn’t tell who you were at first.”
                “Is there something you’re not telling me?” she asked in a very concerned tone of voice.

                “No,” I said honestly.

                “Cause I’m worried about you. Promise me you won’t do anything stupid.”

                “I won’t”, I said. “Don’t worry. I’m not going to drive in a car without my seatbelt like those two girls at UCM last year.”

                Erin heaved a sigh of relief.

                “Ok,” she said. “I was just kind of worried after I heard you had those drinks because I know some people who aren’t supposed to take alcohol because it interferes with their medication.”

                “No, it’s not that. I just didn’t realize how strong these drinks were.”

                “Ok,” said Erin, sounding relieved.

                Eventually I told her what I was doing, how I was at the Kansas City Ability Expo and what that was.      

                “You should get involved in that, Benny”, she said.

                “Really?”

                “Yes, cause your arts so good.”

                “Ok, well thanks.”

                I drove home and got back a few minutes later. Suddenly I realized that since I wanted to make plarn (plastic bag yarn) belts for ASAN-KC’s silent auction in November, I could take the gray Walmart bags I used to keep some of my stuff to repurpose, and replace them with white one, which I had over two hundred of to make plarn bags, which took about seventy bags, and use the gray ones for belts, as I thought that would look better for belts then white ones. After that I went down to Starbuck’s with my Cinematography textbook to read. First, however, I checked my notifications on my Facebook feed and saw that a Facebook friend of mine, Amy Sequenzia, another person who was famous in the autistic community, had invited me to an event on Facebook called “Tell Dr. Phil and the Media that Issy Stapleton is the VICTIM!” Basically, a mother, Kelli Stapleton, with a severely autistic girl had tried to murder that daughter of hers, causing her father to take her away, and Dr. Phil would be interviewing her on the Dr. Phil Show. We weren’t sure, but many of us were worried Dr. Phil would sympathize with Kelli’s statements that she tried to murder her daughter due to there being, “not enough services for her.” I accepted the invitation and then read my textbook.

                Later I went down to Jack’s new apartment in the Mission Project, with assistance for people with disabilities that let them live somewhat independently, seeing it for the first time. It felt great to finally see Jack again, and showed me his living room, kitchen, dining room, and bedroom, in which there were fantastic paintings and sculptures he had done at Johnson County Community College after he left THRIVE, including ones I had seen of his earlier. Jack had always been a terrific artist, and I was not surprised at these works. He also showed me a storage space he had down in the basement, where he kept his bicycle, and the laundry room. He also told me Corey, Zach, Pierce, and Julie, our friends from THRIVE, were now living at the Mission Project. He took me down to his workplace Script Pro., which manufactures pharmaceutical machines. It was a beautiful building, which also had a goldfish pond and garden from a house it had bought, which was now part of its facilities, a rec center, and a martial arts and yoga studio. He took me to their break building, storage units, custodial area, and customer service building. It was a neat area, and I was glad Jack got to work for it. In a couple of years, he said, he may move on to doing things other than custodial work, which he enjoyed doing for them. He said the people were really nice, some of them being funny, and that one person there also had autism.

                We got back to his apartment and ordered pizza from Dominos, which we walked down to get. As I remembered him, he ordered his with no sauce just like mine. Afterwards we watched the movie Cast Away on the sofa in his living room, and towards the end, I noticed Tom Hanks said that during all his experiences, when he wished he was dead, all he could do was breathe, and it reminded him he was still alive. Before I left, I gave Jack a business card of ASAN-KC, thinking he might want to get involved in the art expo next year.

                I got back home that night thinking about what Teigan had said earlier that day about reaching out to individual chapter leaders of Alpha Xi Delta to withdraw their support for Autism Speaks. I realized, of course, that if they did that, Sandy Edwards from the National Council might invoke harsh consequences on them. She might revoke their charter, and the whole chapter would no longer be in Alpha Xi Delta. But then I thought, so what? I had already given up something like that for the autism community, having opted the choice of refusing to pledge to Tau Kappa Epsilon fraternity last year to focus on starting an autism group at UCM, after feeling the bid was a refreshing step from years of bullying, discrimination, and misguided counselor, and since then had not looked back, as I said to my dad (about the autistic community of UCM), “they are my brothers and sisters.” If Alpha Xi Delta sisters were to wear the mane of autism advocates, why should they not have to sacrifice like I did for the cause? I remembered Cassie Burghoff, the first friend I had made at UCM outside of THRIVE, who I was now long sure had Asperger syndrome, remembering her sacrifice to be a social worker, and my willingness to honor her path despite the fact that I had grown very fond of her. Why should AZD sisters be considered top advocates when they have done what they do from comfort and convenience from being sorority leaders with resources and privilege like we had not had?

                The next morning before I went back to school, I gathered up all my gray Walmart bags I used to keep my recyclables in and put them in white ones. As I was about to leave and feeling stressed about all I had to do (at least that I wanted), I remembered what Tom Hanks said in Cast Away about how he just had to breathe and he remembered that he was alive, just how I remembered Timber Hawkeye in Buddhist Boot Camp said we can focus on our breath and remember that we are alive. Then, with my mom in the car next to me, I drove on the highway for the first time in a while to Lee’s Summit, where I would meet my grandparents who would take me back to school. We drove back, and I told my grandmom, who was excited to hear, about my work with ASAN-KC and their new existence in Kansas City.  

                “Well that’s good," she said. "We need that.”

                I got back, gathered my stuff, said goodbye to my grandparents, hugging my grandmom goodbye, and went up to my dorm. I took my recyclables (except for my glass) down to the recycling bin in the courtyard. Then I made four more leather bracelets, getting caught up on my quota. I also saw my plastic buckles had come in the mail. 

                I ate dinner with Josiah, Sally, and Josiah’s friend Ben tonight. After that I made another paracord bracelet. Then I worked on my song some more. After that I ran on the treadmill for about an hour. After I got back I got some more beers at Break Time, an amber lager, which tasted surprisingly good to me, and from which I got a new bottle cap for my collection. Erin called me, apologizing for jumping to conclusion with me yesterday, and told me she didn’t mean to imply I’d do anything. I told her it was fine and she didn’t need to worry. Then I went back to my dorm waiting to get to sleep, and remembered how whenever I mention anything autism-related to Cassie, e.g., my autism group, she tended to get a little annoyed at me mentioning such a thing, as if she did not want to talk about it. Yet I realized if one were to say that had an autism spectrum condition to their friends, it would be so much trouble faking to pass for “normal,” as autistics so often had to do.

                But I knew exactly how Cassie felt. There was nothing wrong with her beyond the way of being a normal human being. Having an autism group to go to and be accepted at couldn’t possibly satisfy the need to feel like everyone else. 

 

               

Questions and Answers

On the day after we got back from Colorado, I pulled some weeds and the mowed the lawn.  Then I went to Starbuck’s and read (reread) where I left off in Water Touching Stone.  I also e-mailed Elizabeth to ask her if she could give me a ride to the Camp Encourage panel in Lawrence.  Dave’s brother-in-law Kent came to see us who he was staying with while in town for his Skills USA, and we all had dinner.  I was also asked over Facebook by Elise Johnson Chaplain from Horizon to answer some questions on Buddhism for a class she’s teaching for her MSW, which was due on Friday, which I gladly agreed to do.  I also got a call from Jack inviting me to see Shakespeare in the Park on Saturday, which I agreed to do.  In a week we would also be going to New Hampshire to see my mom’s family, and I would get up on Friday to catch a plane at 4:50.

                The next day I got an e-mail from Elizabeth saying she was rather swamped but telling me that she could come pick me up on Wednesday morning and take me to camp to volunteer with her at camp that day, then to stay at an apartment of a friend of hers, where we would sleep on couches, go to camp and volunteer the next morning before the panel, and afterwards go to her Bible study in Lawrence before going back to the apartment, and going home the next morning.  I of course agreed and e-mailed Mrs. Johnson to tell her I would need the questions by today or tomorrow to do them in time.  The next morning I pulled several acorn trees and later I went to Starbuck’s.  Later I answered the questions on Buddhism for Mrs. Chaplain and e-mailed them to her.  I also talked to Tyler.

                The next morning Elizabeth picked me up and told me one of her favorite shows Switched at Birth took place in Mission Hills.  I went with Elizabeth to pick up her friend Angela, who I met and found to be very nice, as Elizabeth said.  We went to Camp Encourage, where I helped a few kids from one group of campers make stress balls, and then another group with making slime.  Then I switched to helping the next group of kids make stress balls and then slime.  During that time I got to meet Kelly, who was in charge of the camp as well as a young blonde counselor Cassidy.  After the last group of kids had left, Elizabeth, Angela, and I cleaned up the mess.  Afterwards we all ate dinner together and then we went to the LLC Room where we sat in a circle, accompanied by two interactive musicians and kids played with maracas, tambourines, and percussion instruments and we sang Red by Taylor Swift, Baby by Justin Bieber, God Bless My Underwear, and Baby Shark.  Afterwards I had smores with several campers where I saw Matt who worked with Sean and I at the JCCC Autism Spectrum Support Group and who I got caught up on my recent activity.  Afterwards, a small camper, no more than ten years old, came to me “Do you have autism?”

              “Yes.”  I said.

“What do you do about your autism?”

“Well I’ve had help when I was younger and it helps me live my life.”

“Do you still have autism?”

             “Yes.”  I said.

“What will happen when I grow up?”

“Well, when I was younger I found the right supports and that helped me navigate in my life.”

“Are you ever gonna get married?”

“I hope so.”  I said.

He asked me these questions some again, and I gave him the same answer.  Then told me that when he grew up he wanted to teach kids with severe autism, and as Angela and I cleaned up the instruments and a counselor beckoned him to leave, he said, “Nice to meet you.”  Elizabeth and I then dropped Angela off back at her house and then we got a bite to eat at Shake and Steak where I insisted on paying for her meal to reimburse her for her gas money, and after making my case several times, she accepted that.  We got back and we saw Switched at Birth.

The next day we got breakfast and then helped set up the tie-dye work station, where I helped one kid make a tie-dye t-shirt, then dyed one for another kid who was allergic to dye, and then helped the next two groups.  Later Elizabeth and I got together outside the LLC room before the panel and found a young man sitting on one of the couches.

“Hi, I’m Nathan.”  He said.

                Elizabeth and I introduced ourselves and then at 2:30 we went in and I anxiously readied myself for the panel.  Finally, the first group, accompanied by Kelly and a young dark-haired neurotypical girl came in.  After being asked, “how do I define autism,” I was asked, “What has been the biggest challenge in your life?”

                I said, “Even though I have the social skills to have successful interaction with people, whenever I meet people, friends, romantic interests, I often wonder if they will be mature enough to understand what I’ve been through, what I’ve had to do, and how I’ve had to grow up at an early age because of my life with autism.”

                At this Kelly was in tears and the young counselor teared up as well.  As the next group came in, I told them about how people in my life have not always been able to truly understand myself as an autistic person or my struggle and I said, “One girl, who once* had a romantic interest in me seemed to try and show she was just like me by saying on Twitter how she loved getting movies on Netflix.  I’m thinking ‘that’s not an autistic thing!’  You can’t even get your stereotypes right!”

                Everyone laughed.

                The next group came in and I told them, “Sometimes I would like a girl while not knowing how she felt about me, and therapists would say, ‘you just don’t understand non-verbal social cues,’ and that was a real oversimplification of it.  Several kids nodded in agreement and said, “I know just what you mean,” and, “I’ve had the same thing happen to me.”  Afterwards one girl at the camp said to me, “Thank you!”

The next group came in and I told them how when I was in school, despite being segregated in a special classroom, I felt that there was no help for me in school until my last days of sixth grade.  Afterwards, a woman approached me, saying she was a special education teacher, and asked how I felt there could have been more help for me.  I told her it would have been good if my school had better methods for behavioral correction, more ways for me to be a part of my school, and had helped me as I had bullies.

                After the last panel, the kid I had met last night came up to me and asked for my contacts so I could talk to him outside of camp, and I gave him my home and cell number and e-mail address.  Elizabeth and I went to dinner and a young kid greeted me from behind.  When he was out of earshot, Elizabeth whispered to me, “I think you’ve got a new admirer.”

                As Elizabeth and I were about to go to her Bible study, I said goodbye to Kelly and she thanked me for coming, saying I was so inspiring to the kids and would love for me to come back as a board member of the camp or a counselor to help see that things were going right.  I thanked Erin for letting us use her apartment and said goodbye to her.  I said goodbye to Cassidy and went up to the young kid who I talked to the last night and said goodbye to him and wished him luck on and gave him and vote of confidence for teaching children with severe autism.  Elizabeth and I then went to her Bible study and I met several friends of hers including Joey, Lydia, and Bethany.  We discussed a book called the story of Bethany, and it was quite illuminating.  Joey eventually said, “People are saying that we can’t help the people who are coming to this country because of limited resources and that it’s a political issue.  I think, no, it’s a Jesus issue.  I feel if Jesus was alive today, he would have fed these people.

                Afterwards we walked down to a Mexican restaurant, during which I learned Joey was graduating KU with a degree in Latin American studies, and later planned to work in Mexico.  At the restaurant, where I ordered a beer and a churro, after I found out they were out of fried ice cream, I told Joey about Lonely Planet, how it’s authors research hotels, sights, and restaurants there, and how he might enjoy that if he’s going down to Mexico, as many of its authors do that in junction with other work, such as one author who did a chapter on Mauritania while down there to research the accidental shooting of the president.  He liked that idea and as we were about to walk back to the church, he gave me his phone to send me a friend request through his Facebook page.  As we got to Elizabeth’s car, I suggested we come there other nights and she thought that was a good idea.  We got back to the apartment and watched more Switched at Birth before falling asleep.  We stopped by the McDonald’s drive-through and I paid for the two of us again to reimburse her for her gas money.  Afterwards I went to work and the next day Jack, his dad and I went to Shakespeare in the Park, where I got a Shakespeare Festival 2014 A Winter’s Tale button for my donation.  We sat in lawn chairs, enjoying beers, wings, ribs, baguette, and cheese, and for three tickets, one dollar per ticket, I enjoyed a fried Snicker’s bar, while we watched A Winter’s Tale.  Afterwards Jack’s dad asked me if I wanted to see this bench in the park erected in honor of Jack’s mom and I told him certainly.  We saw it before he drove me home and I got what little sleep I could before I would wake up for the airport the next morning.

*Stay tuned.  A link will soon be available to a transcript of my interview on my other blog www.autistdharma.com. 

Spring Break 2014

I saw an e-mail about how condolences for the loss can be sent to the address of the ASA president Ellen Whit, whose name I recognized from the Friend of Autism Pledge, and I decided to send her an e-mail after break saying I recognized her name in the e-mail from the pledge and wanted to wish my condolences to her. I put up a Facebook post that said, “Three types of girls I will never date:/-Girls who don’t wear their seatbelts, or ride with people who do/-Girls who smoke/-Girls who support autism organizations that pay more to their executives than supporting individuals and families/All three of those thing could cut my time short with her.” I saw Dr. Downing, Jamie, Kurt, Britney, and one other person liked it. I also wrote “Three of the worst things you can do while driving:/-drink/-text/-support charities that don’t pay most of their money to the causes they claim to represent/When you do any of these things your car can kill.” Brittany liked that. I shared a link to Hook’s obituary on Ryan, Philip’s, Hillary’s, and Mardy’s page and saw that they liked it, and Hillary liked my comment on her page about how I reacted to these girls' deaths.  Brittany also liked several other things on my page. I shared a link about the vigil on THRIVE’s Facebook page, commenting on what the girls did for THRIVE and how I thought the link deserved to be on there, and Dr. Downing approved. I shared a Buddhist link with people at the Pathless Land, and several of them, including Steve, liked it, and Steve said, “Awesome Ben Edwards.” I realized I can reach out to and gain respect of people like that. I talked to Tyler who said he knew of the girl’s deaths and knew one of the girls. I realized there are times when college students lose their lies like this, like the fall semester before last, when a twenty-three-year-old UCM male student died in a car wreck not wearing his seatbelt, from seeing it in the Muleskinner while working there.

The next morning I felt pretty good though a little frustrated as I had a nosebleed while I had just undressed to take a shower and Dad texted me to call him and I wanted to call Elizabeth to make plans for tomorrow, but I called Dad, and I called Elizabeth and she offered to pick me up and take me to Panera tomorrow, which I accepted as I was feeling still quite overwhelmed by the loss of the girls. When Elizabeth pulled up in my driveway however, we ended up going to Minsky’s in downtown Prairie Village instead of Panera. Elizabeth and I started getting caught up on each other’s lives and she told me there was an Autistic Self-Advocacy Network chapter opening up in Kansas City. I started telling her about the group and she was excited to hear that it was getting ready and understood that it was taking a while to get off the ground.

“The thing about the autism community is that we’ve always sought friendship,” she also told me, “I’m your friend in the autism community.”

Finally, I also told her about the loss of Hook and Reeder.

“I’m sorry,” she said, very sincerely.

“It’s just, sometimes I still feel some pain, but then it just subsides.”

“That’s called grief and it’s perfectly natural. It means something was important to you.” 

I smiled. Elizabeth was being very empathetic just as I had expected she would.

“These kind of things just seem to happen, and I guess, ultimately, there’s really no point in trying to figure out why.”

Elizabeth looked at me with such kind eyes. Eventually we got off the subject of Hook and Reeder, which was really a relief to me. She asked me about my bottle cap necklace, and I told her about it and showed her my belt made from plastic bags. She looked amazed.

“It’s really strong,” I said.

“I believe you!"

I learned her brother had had cancer for the last year, although she did tell me not to make any negative assumption about it too quickly as she said he was getting better. She also gave me a business card for her work as a music therapist, which she had recently been licensed to do after finishing her practicum for it last year. As I got out of her car and said goodbye, I realized I truly did have one friend in the autism community.

Later that day I went with my dad to our family house at Lake Lotawana where I indeed also found twenty-three new pebbles near our garden. Then we went to have a beer at the Canoe Club while we waited for my grandparents to come and eat with us. In the meantime, he asked what I planned to do after college. I mentioned selling some environmental crafts on Etsy, being a drama teacher at Horizon, and maybe publishing a book on my experiences at UCM and other parts of my life, before, hopefully, getting a career in filmmaking. He thought those were all good ideas. Then he asked me, “Ben, have you ever thought of having a career as an autism specialist? It’s just that none of the autism specialists I’ve ever known of have had autism.”

“I don’t know," I said. "I mean I thought either way I would do some stuff involving autism.” 

Soon my grandparents arrived. My granddad started telling us about how Bob from the Pathless Land was told by his doctor that he absolutely needed to quit smoking. He had “had his last smoke” with my granddad, though there had been slips since then. I had hoped he would quit as he was a great man who I had known for the last two years at the Pathless Land. 

The next day I drove to my appointment with Dr. Mays, then to the post office, and then home getting twenty-five more minutes of driving. I made twelve more flowers, seven more heart-shaped pins, a rose, and then seventeen more heart-shaped pins from straws, and decided to use the heart-shaped pins in making prints. I went to Better Cheddar and got two new bottle caps for my collection and drank the drinks while I ate a Mars Bar and read Mckinsey’s blog post on world hunger statistics, which I commented on favorably. I went to the hardware store and got a saw to cut my board at school apart and some wood to cut into rectangles for wood burning. I then cut apart the board and turned that coaster project Mom started into two coasters, which she was pretty impressed by. I also got the idea for when I find “a one” to glue the letters of my old computers to two of those boards and give each of us one of them on our anniversary where we can write a word or phrase next to each other about how we feel about each other. I drove to Bella Napoli, getting ten more minutes of driving. There I also got a new bottle cap from my beer. I also realized how interesting it is that I drink two sodas and eat a Mars Bar while reading a post on world hunger statistics. 

The next day I called Jack and left a message to see if he could sleep over with Tyler and I this spring break. Afterwards I grinded up leaves and spread them in my mom’s garden for fifteen dollars an hour for three hours. I also felt comforted knowing Elizabeth could understand how I felt about those girls. I made one of my coasters for Aunt Laura from receipts. I went down to Better Cheddar and got two new bottle caps for my collection from my drinks. On my way back I picked up and sorted some recyclables. On my way back I found a good walking stick to carve. I also worked on my coasters made from paper plates and Styrofoam.

I was able to slow down and take a breath while I enjoyed some Welsh rarebit for dinner tonight. I then talked to Jack who said he couldn’t sleep over this spring break because he has a lot going on, but he did say he could do it over the summer. I also told him about the girls, which he was shocked about, but glad I told him about, and about how Emily and I broke up. I talked to Dad and he and I agreed to eat dinner together tomorrow night and I sent him the links to my blogs. I wrote another post Autism and Olympics: Not So Special After All and posted it. I also saw another one of my Facebook friends accepted my invitations to like Tania Marshall and Little People of America. I remembered how great it feels to wake up and get a text asking saying, “I love you.”

The next day I realized more of how I would organize my stamp collection before I went to BRGR with Dad and he gave me dozens of bottle caps, which I found five new ones in, two Buddhist magazines, which I already had but could make some DIY colleges with, and a craft board. The next day I drove to get my blood tested and got ten minutes of driving on the way, then to a garden shop, then Dunkin Donuts, where I had a jelly donut, then Bruce Smith, and then the hardware store, getting another twenty minutes of driving. Afterwards I got two new bottle caps from my drinks at Better Cheddar. I also got some bread and turkey at Hen House along with the current issue of National Geographic. I arranged to get together with Erin tomorrow at eleven, and then I wrote in my dream journal. I also made another rose from straws. Tyler got here and I gave him those bottle caps I’d saved for him. We ate burgers and fries and then watched Epic. 

The next day Tyler met Erin before she and I went to the Cheesecake Factory, and I gave her presents and she gave me mine: a book called Empires of the Silk Road: A History of Central Eurasia from the Bronze Age to the Present. I got home and then went to my dentist appointment. I got back and rested from the cavity filling. I also agreed to go with Mom and her family to New Hampshire over the fourth of July, as I don’t see her family very often. I swung in our backyard while I read a lot of Erin’s book. Later I got Tyler to resend the link to the Down Syndrome Dance form when I couldn’t get to the page via the link I was sent. 

The next morning, I worked on my revised research paper for my Early American Literature class. I moved some soil, mulch, and compost into my mom’s new garden bed, during which time I realized that Beorn attacking the dwarves as a bear in the second Hobbit movie was a good idea as that way the audience gets the see Beorn as a bear before the third movie comes out, and Beorn being at Dol Guldur doesn’t seem like such a bad idea as Beorn was close to Radagast, who was a member of the White Council, and lived near there. Later I saw some good miksang photos and got inspired to take some more, which I did. I saw that the Autism Women’s Network liked my review of them before I took another photo. I also got together some bottle caps for my rainbow fish wall fish.

Last Few Days to Finish My Summer Plans

        On the first day of August, I went to work, and my mom returned my Lonely Planet Mongolia book to the library. After work I got a copy of the new National Geographic issue, and I filled out a request form for Thursday and Sunday. I got home and I called Erin in response to her calling me yesterday while I was at work, and she asked if I could get together the next day. I told her how I wouldn’t be available then and we decided to get together another time. I called my granddad and told him about how Emily hadn’t responded to any of my calls or texts recently. He thought it could be due to her ADHD or that she could be on vacation. My mom and I also talked about The United States of Autism and I told her how maddening it is that people buy into “autism charities” that do things like pay more to their executives then they do for autism services, and she said I could definitely help counterbalance that.

                The next day I practiced my flute for half an hour. I also talked to Tyler, and he said Mary said the breakup was about the fact that she was stressed and wasn’t herself and she didn’t want a long-distance relationship. Later I made a few roses out of straws and gave one to Kyley and one to Hunter.  I also talked to my granddad some more and he thought Emily could need some space. I talked to my dad, and he thought her not responding to my texts or calls could be due to her ADHD or her being on vacation. I also called work and found out I work on Monday from 3-10 the next week. 

                The next day while I was at work I decided to slow down in my life and enjoy my relatives being here. After work I talked to Tyler and comforted him after his attempt to get Mary back didn’t go so well. I realized Emily could not be responding to my calls or texts because she was depressed from missing me so much. The next day I worked on my travel plans to Tanzania and Madagascar and a bag woven from bags that morning and had dinner with my relatives and I realized that Emily could have possibly gotten a job taking care of children, as was her passion, and could come home too tired to talk. I also practiced my flute for another half an hour. Hunter came into the sunroom where I was and began asking a lot of questions which made me see how Emily could get tired from working with kids for so long. I later talked to Tyler on the phone for so long that I didn’t get around to telling my dad or granddad what I figured out about Emily, but I figured that was ok as his problems were worse than mine. 

On Monday I realized the next morning that providing services for autism is really a lot better for everyone because it would cut so many costs associated with not doing it. Before I went to bed, I read a lot of a novel called Water Touching Stone. Then after I woke up, my mom, Dave, aunt, uncle, and cousins all went to Powell Garden’s the next day and I found out I had been enrolled in my classes. I also thought it is one thing to make budget cuts, but to not include people with disabilities in them is another. When I got home, I deposited my paycheck and got a new bottle cap from a drink I got at Better Cheddar and later I talked to Tyler. 

As I was deleting several old e-mails, I saw a quote in one of them that said, “What lies before you and what lies behind you is nothing compared to what lies within you.” I also signed a petition to end tax-subsidized CEO bonuses saying I was an autistic person, and I find it unbelievable that the government can afford that but not to provide for us. I added myself as anonymous, but I figured that would make a more powerful statement about society’s treatment of autistics seeing how I chose not to share my name. I later had dinner with my mom, Dave, brothers, aunt, uncle, and cousins. That night I called Erin and found out she couldn’t get together on Thursday and I decided I would try next Monday and then I texted Oscar to see if he wanted to get together on Thursday with Jack and Tyler.  He said that would be great and we agreed to pick him up after my art class. I also found out Emily is on Facebook and changed my status to “in a relationship with Emily Webb.” I thought with us both on Facebook, I could show her I was able to give her some space.

                The next day I got my haircut before I went to work. Then I got home and talked to Tyler who said Mary said she wanted to date him but couldn’t find the time. The next morning, I started to see that autistic people may be driven to commit crime, so they don’t have to feel so invisible.  I also rode my bike for about an hour and I left Mary a message telling her the things Tyler said about how he feels about her.  Later I fixed some of my flowers made from straws and I deleted several e-mails.  While I did, I saw Autrey said, “Great,” in response to my new relationship status. 

                I talked to Erin, and we agreed to get together on Friday at the Cheesecake Factory then go to the Frida Kalho Diego Rivera exhibit at the Nelson. Afterwards on my way to Winstead’s with my Granddad, we agreed that while it may cost health insurance companies money to provide for autistic people, it would save them money on providing for health crises otherwise connected to autism, such as bladder problems, diabetes, and obesity. We ate at Winstead’s again where I got a picture of a moth on the glass window. After we left, I realized people with Down syndrome once had to fight hard to get things like group homes and other services. 

My granddad and I went to Barnes and Noble where I got the October 2013 issue of Mindful magazine, a September/October 2013 issue of Buddhadharma, National Geographic’s 100 Secret Journeys: The World’s Best Hidden Adventures, a September /October 2013 issue of Archaeology magazine, and an August 2013 issue of Empire magazine with an article on the upcoming Hobbit movie The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug. Then we went to the Pathless Land where we did the Chakra meditation again. After the class was over, my granddad said while we were in the car that Tyler probably finds it very liberating that I listen to him, which probably no one else has ever done. At Roasterie Coffee, I got a good picture of my muffin before my granddad took me home.

I got home and saw on the cover of the latest issue of Mindful, it said 3 Ways to Take Better Pictures. I got a text from Emily, and we texted back and forth. I said, “I love you,” and she said, “I love you to.” Then I said, “I can’t wait to see you again,” and she said, “Yeah,” and “I have miss talking to you.” I also talked to Tyler and listened to him about Mary. Then I realized I could make windmills from my super glue bottles, one of which I would give to Erin, who’s always dreamed of traveling to Europe, when I saw her next. That night I dreamt that I got a job offer in Taiwan so I could be there to help its people with their skewed relationship with China and Emily asked if I wanted to get married there.

The next day I drove Jack and I to art class again, getting twenty more minutes of driving. I almost finished another painting, and I learned block in shapes using different shades. Then I drove to Oscar’s house and took him, Jack, and I to my house getting another twenty minutes of driving. We had lunch then swam and tossed a Nerf football and played Marco Polo then my brother’s old version Merde Schiza. I drove Jack and Oscar home getting another twenty-five minutes of driving.

When I got back home, I read Mindful’s article on photography where I learned that three different aspects of it are color, texture, and people. Then I went down to Starbucks and wrote some poetry. Later I took several pictures like they suggested in Mindful and I talked to my dad who asked me what I would like for my birthday. I said something like The Little Book of Contemplative Photography or a book on whittling. He told me had gotten me a great pocketknife and a great piece of wood to carve a ball-in-a-cage. After I was done talking to him, I made two windmills, one of which I would give to Erin the next day.

On Friday afternoon I took several more pictures using the advice they wrote in Mindful then I was picked up by Erin and her mom. I gave her the windmill I made her which she thought was very clever and then we went to the Cheesecake Factory. After our main meal we enjoy some of their cheesecake which filled me up so much I could not finish the whole thing and had to get a to-go box. We went to the Nelson where I gave a dollar to help support their work and saw the Frida Kahlo Diego Rivera exhibit. While I was there, I saw several great photographs which demonstrated that, like the philosophy of contemplative photography, we don’t need great scenery to make great photographs. I also saw how Frida Kahlo’s work had a lot of color to it just like contemplative photos.

When I got home, I realized that substance abuse can really arise from low self-esteem among autistics. I also saw a girl from Tennessee in Good Luck, Charlie, who really reminded me of Emily, while I worked on my bag woven from bags. Then I called work and found out I work Monday from 3-7 Tuesday from 4-8, and Saturday from 11-7:30. The next morning, I cuddled an old teddy bear of mine pretending it was Emily getting a taste of what it would be like if it really was. After I got up and did my meditation, I refilled my prescription and then went to work.

While at work I got my employee birthday slip for a free pie and took some pictures of my M&Ms on my break. I realized that miksang photography is really just a philosophy of how great photography arises. I also realized that even if autism services cost us money, we would reimburse as they create jobs. After I got home, I realized that dream I had about Emily asking if I wanted to get married in Taiwan meant she always values my opinion about matters concerning our relationship. As I watched a Family Guy cut-away with Scarlett Johansson, her resemblance to Emily was just striking.

The next day I went to La Peep with my brothers, dad, and grandparents where my granddad gave me the latest issue of Smithsonian magazine and I took several pictures. I also realized that if parents of autistic children didn’t have to struggle to pay for their children’s services, they could buy more things that would really stimulate our economy. When I got home, I took several more photos and realized the elements of color and texture are in the environmental crafts I make like toilet paper roll dioramas and snack wrapper handbags. I also started to appreciate painting more. Later I helped Dave and Graham set up a studio downstairs in our old basement storage room.

After helping Dave I made another one of my bracelets from Hershey’s nugget wrapper. Then I saved more of Emily’s and my texts, and we texted back and forth.  I told her, “I love you,” and she said, “I love you too.” Then I told her she was really beautiful, and I cuddled with a teddy bear pretending it was her. She said, “Aww,” and I could hear her voice in the texts like she was right next to me.  Emily then said, “I miss you.” 

The next morning, I realized Emily, Jack, and Tyler were all capable of leading normal lives, especially with new college programs available for them. Then I drove to my art class with Jack getting twenty more minutes of driving. While I painted, I saw more of what Donna meant when she said to block in your big shapes and mix the colors on your pallet. I took several pictures of things around the studio and realized contemplative photography helps you to slow down and notice colors like you would when doing a painting. I also drove Jack home and my mom and I to Bruce Smith, then home getting another twenty-five minutes of driving. 

Emily and I texted each other back and forth some more before I went to work. I said, “I love you,” and she said, “Love u too.” I went to work and told Phil I would call him before the breaks started to tell him I would be available to work then, and he said that would be great. After work, my mom, Dave, Jamie, Cam, Graham, and I ate at a restaurant/movie theater called Standees in the Prairie Village shopping center. While we waited for our food, I talked to Tyler outside, who had called me while I was at work, and he said he got me several birthday presents.  I told him that was really thoughtful. Then we talked about Mary, and I told him I knew exactly how he felt from all my past break-ups.

After dinner, my mom, Dave, and I watched the movie Way, Way Back. When I got home, I found a bag inside my home with gummy worms, beef jerky, several chocolates, three ten-dollar Barnes and Noble gift cards, all with a card from Tyler. I talked to him some more on the phone and heard him talk about his break-up. The next day I took several pictures before I went to work. After work, I got Life magazine’s Remembering John Lennon, who was believed to be autistic. I realized how many autistic people can be afraid to speak out against discrimination for fear of the government based on abuse they’ve suffered in schools and health care institutions like I had in my life. I worked on my handbag for Emily a little more then I e-mailed my new roommate Connor, telling him about myself and asking him if he was bringing either a refrigerator or a microwave. I also realized that if I talked about some of my passions to Emily, she might not know how to say what she thinks, but that doesn’t mean she isn’t interested in what I’m saying.

The next day I found out Connor had e-mailed me back and I learned he was from Jacksonville, North Carolina, is a sophomore, and that his interests are church, military, firearms, history, and travel. He told me he would probably be moving into a fraternity house sometime this year and didn’t know how long we’d be rooming together. He also said he was not bringing a fridge or a microwave. Later I went down to the bank and deposited my last paycheck and got a new bottle cap from my drink I got at Better Cheddar. I got home and worked on my handbag for Emily and a lampshade made from straws.

Emily and I texted each other back and forth. She said, “I miss you so bad,” and I said, “I know.  I feel the same way about you.” She said, “Aww youre so sweet Ben.” I said, “Well I love you,” and she said, “I want to cuddle you.” I said, “Me too.” I also realized that contemplative photography is also about being aware of things while you photograph them, and I worked more on my bags woven from bags.

My granddad took me to Winstead’s and when I got in, I saw, sitting at a far table, my grandmom, there to see me for my birthday before I went off to school. I opened my card from them and opened my present from them: a fifty-dollar debit card. I also went to Barnes and Noble where I got the new issue of Tricycle magazine. I went to the Pathless Land for the last time for a while meditating with the others sitting, breathing, and being. After the Pathless Land, my granddad and I skipped going to Roasterie Coffee since Emily had just texted me.

We texted back and forth when I got home, and she asked me what I missed about her. I said I missed practically everything about her, and she said, “Aww that’s so sweet Ben.” It felt good to see that Emily didn’t think of me as someone with something wrong with them because I had autism. She texted me goodnight and I texted her goodnight back. I also realized how politicians just don’t seem to want to help us because they have this notion of “picking yourself up by your bootstraps.”

I drove Jack and I to art class the next day, getting twenty more minutes of driving. While I was there, I got several more pictures, including one of Jack break dancing. I drove Jack home and then to an estate sale, getting twenty more minutes of driving. While at the sale, I found a beautiful pink scarf which I bought for Emily. When she texted me, I told her I got her something at an estate sale.” She said, “Thanks babe that’s so sweet.” 

I drove to another estate sale, getting another ten minutes of driving. I bought Life Pictorial Atlas of the World, and Time-Life’s Ancient America, Barbarian Europe, Early Japan, Classical Greece, Early Islam, Imperial Rome, Age of Exploration, Ancient China, Historic India, Cradle of Civilization, Byzantium, and Renaissance for only thirty dollars. Then I drove to Target, getting myself another fifteen minutes of driving. I got hygiene supplies, snack food, tea, and a mini-fridge. Then I drove back home, getting myself another fifteen minutes of driving.

Back at home Emily and I texted each other back and forth. I said, “I love you,” and she said, “Love u too.” I asked her how work went, and she said she didn’t go because she had pink-eye. I said, “I’m sorry about that,” and that I hope she feels better soon. She said, “Thank you,” and I said, “Sure.  I love you.” She said, “You too.”

I whittled a sword and a knife and worked on whittling a fish and made a bird beak to replace one that broke off my mom’s bird statue. She was pretty happy with it. Then I texted Emily back and forth some more. She asked if she was able to be there for my birthday would I want her there and I said, “Of course I would.” She said, “Aww.” I said, “Of course. I love you,” and she said, “I love you too.”

She asked me why I got her something at an estate sale and I said it was because I thought it would be romantic and look good on her. She said, “Aww Ben,” and, “I miss you,” and I said, “I miss you too.”  We texted later and she said, “Cuddle.” I said, “I’d love to.” She said, “Really,” and I said, “Cuddle you?  Of course.” She said, “Aww.” Then I said, “Youre really beautiful Emily.” She said, “Thank you,” and I said, “Of course.  I love you.” She said, “I love you too.” I also talked to Tyler and told him to resist the temptation to e-mail Mary.

The next morning Emily and I texted each other some more. I told her, “I love you.” She said, I want to cuddle you,” and I said, “I know.  Me to.” She asked me, “And will you hold my hand wherever we go?” And I said, “Definitely.” She asked if I could call her and I said certainly. She said, “Thanks babe love you.”

I called her and we talked on the phone. She asked me what I wanted for my birthday, and I said she didn’t have to get me anything. She insisted though and I told her she could just give me a Barnes and Noble gift card. She also said she wanted to cuddle me, that there was a special app called Tango I could download for free and we could video chat, that she wished she could come back to UCM and see me every day, and that she missed me. I told her I was cuddling a bear pretending it was her and “I love you,” and she said, “I love you to.” 

I called her back after my meditation, and she asked me if I would give her a hug and kiss when she got to school and when she left. I said I would and then I found out for her and told her that Homecoming Week was from October 25^th-27^th. She said she would miss me even more after that. Later she told me she missed me again and I told her I would love to cuddle her. I told her, “I love you,” and she said, “I love you to.”

After we hung up, I got Tango. Once we figured out how it worked, we talked to each other on it and I saw her house and her cat Fuzzy. I showed her my mom, Jamie, the dogs, Peter, the rose I made her, and the scarf I got her and she liked them both. I told her, face-to-face, “I love you,” and she said, “I love you to.” I started packing up and we texted while I did. She said the rose and the scarf were really beautiful and I said I thought of her when I got the scarf. She said, “Aww.” I said I to my mom from her and said hi to Emily back. Later I glued some more origami hearts together and worked on a bag woven from bags and whittling a fish.

I went over to my dad’s later that night and I opened my birthday presents. I got a Swedish-made knife, very sharp and great for whittling, two books on whittling-Old-Time Whittling: Easy Techniques for Classic Projects and The Art of Whittling, a block of wood from which to carve a ball-in-a-cage, and some finger guards. My dad read an excerpt from The Art of Whittling, a historical reprint, in a Hank Hillish voice, “The love of tools seems to have been a natural trait among youth of all ages. This is especially true of the pocket-knife. What normal boy does not love to whittle?” After opening presents we went and ate at Jack Stack Barbeque. When I got home, I finished my fish, talked to Tyler some more, wrote in my gratitude journal, and packed some more.

The next day I drove to work once more getting ten more minutes of driving, where I thanked Phil for all the hours he had given me, and he told me thanks for all the hard work and to call him to let him know when I’m coming home for breaks. After work was over, I changed into some clothes my mom had brought me and drove to Elsa’s Ethiopian Restaurant getting myself another twenty minutes of driving.  Erin and Tyler called to wish me a happy birthday and my mom, Dave, Jamie, Cam, and I enjoyed a bounty of doro watt, doro tibbs lentils, injera, and other foods of Ethiopian cuisine. Hillary texted me to wish me a happy birthday and I drove home getting another ten minutes of driving. Once at home we ate some birthday cake and I opened my presents: a CD called The Gyuto Monks Tantric Choir, two books-The Lego Idea Book: Unblocking Your Imagination and The Lego Book, two really neat shirts, a Buddha woodcarving, and a mug with the statue of the Thinker on it thinking a huge bubble of thoughts which disappeared when filled with hot water left saying only coffee. I’d say it was a pretty good haul this year. Then I packed up some more for the big day tomorrow and signed up for the access meal plan.